How To Turn Negotiation Failures Into Your Strength
- Nov 28, 2024
- 5 min read
Roar is a facilitator, advisor, and mediator, and he founded Waegger Negotiation Institute (WNI) in 2017. Up to 2017, Roar has been working as a lawyer with employment and labor law, and he has extensive experience in practical negotiations and long-time influence work.
Failure is often perceived as the antithesis of success, a roadblock that halts progress. But in negotiation, failure is not only inevitable—it’s a critical part of the journey toward mastery.
By creating a habit and structure in examining our setbacks, we gain valuable insights into our own behaviors, the dynamics of negotiation, and the ways we can improve. As I emphasized in my negotiation training and keynote speeches, failure should be seen not as the end of the road but as the foundation for building stronger negotiation skills.
Negotiation is rarely a straight path to agreement. It’s a complex interplay of preparation, communication, and strategy. Missteps and breakdowns are part of the process, but the key is how we approach and learn from them.
Dr. Joshua Weiss, a renowned expert in negotiation and co-founder of Harvard's Global Negotiation Initiative, echoes this sentiment in his recent appearance on Podcast on Negotiation with Professor Remi Smolinski, On failure in negotiation. He delves into the concept of viewing negotiation as a practice in continuous improvement. Weiss, who has spent years helping individuals and organizations build their negotiation capabilities, highlights the importance of resilience and adaptability. His upcoming book, Getting Back to the Table: 5 Steps to Reviving Stalled Negotiations, coming in February 2025, promises to shed more light on how negotiation failures can lead to transformative breakthroughs, offering readers practical tools and inspiring examples to strengthen their skills.
The real cost of negotiation failure
Negotiation failures aren’t just about deals that fall apart—they echo far beyond the negotiating table. They can lead to missed opportunities. Perhaps a better deal or a stronger relationship was within reach, but poor strategy or an inability to anticipate challenges prevented it.
They can also lead to wasted resources, because time, money, and energy are all limited resources. When a negotiation fails, the effort expended can feel wasted. What about damaged relationships? Missteps in negotiation can create or deepen mistrust, making future collaborations difficult or maybe ruined. The last element I want to emphasize is the long-term ripple effects.
The consequences of failure often extend beyond the immediate parties, affecting organizations, stakeholders, and even reputations. All these elements hinder collaboration and growth.
Recognizing these costs is the first step toward minimizing their happening, and the second is to identify the root causes.
Why do negotiations fail?
In my experience, four critical factors often lead to failures: cultural limitations, lack of a structured framework, the destructive trio of ego, emotion, and escalation, and a deficiency in awareness.
Cultural and institutional norms shape the way we think, behave, and negotiate. While these norms can provide structure, they can also become barriers to success. A powerful example comes from the transformation of Robert Lewandowski, “the body” and a world-class football player who broke free from traditional norms around training and nutrition to excel in his sport.
He questioned and adjusted everything about his routine—from diet to recovery—and maximized his potential. Negotiators, too, must examine and question their own "diet" of habits, assumptions, and cultural constraints. Imagine a company rigidly following its traditional negotiation playbook in a cross-cultural deal. Failing to adapt to the other party’s communication style or values leads to misunderstandings and mistrust. Cultivating cultural intelligence and flexibility is essential to overcoming these barriers.
Negotiations without a clear structure are like ships without control—they drift aimlessly, often heading toward shipwreck. A structured framework ensures that negotiators address three critical dimensions: substance (the material issues), process (the communication and approach), and relationships (the human connection).
In a mediation I facilitated, one party wanted to jump straight to discussing financial terms, while the other felt their relationship needed to be repaired first. By establishing a clear process, we ensured that both the substance and relationship were addressed, leading to a successful outcome. Without structure, negotiators risk losing focus, and the opportunity to build lasting trust and results is diminished.
The 3 E’s
Ego, Emotion, and Escalation are other factors while negotiations failure. Ego, unchecked emotions, and unnecessary escalation are among the most destructive forces in negotiation. They cloud judgment, fuel defensiveness, and often lead to a win-lose mentality. For instance, ego might prevent a negotiator from admitting a mistake, while emotions like anger can escalate a minor disagreement into a major conflict.
During a negotiation involving two companies, one manager’s refusal to back down on a minor issue derailed the entire process. The impasse wasn’t about substance; it was about pride. Prioritizing collaboration over ego could have steered the negotiation toward a mutually beneficial agreement. Managing one’s triggers and fostering emotional intelligence to avoid letting the 3 E’s derail your negotiations are vital for preventing these destructive tendencies from taking control.
A lack of self-awareness and situational awareness is another silent killer in negotiation. Without understanding your own triggers—and those of your counterpart—you risk reactive, rather than strategic, responses.
In one negotiation I consulted, a client was blindsided when the other party reacted strongly to an offhand comment about their company’s leadership. This “trigger” derailed the conversation. By learning to identify potential triggers and approach sensitive topics with care, negotiators can avoid such pitfalls. Both my client and I learned a good lesson from this.
Developing a deep awareness of your own behaviors, the needs of the other party, and the broader context can turn potential missteps into opportunities for connection and collaboration.
Turning failures into strengths
The good news is that failures in negotiation are not just obstacles—they are opportunities.
When we treat every failure as feedback, we create a powerful learning loop that strengthens both our skills and resilience. Negotiation is an art that requires continuous practice, reflection, and learning. After each negotiation, analyze what worked, what didn’t, and why. Answering these questions strengthens not only your negotiation skills but also your resilience. In Great at Work: How Top Performers Do Less, Work Better, and Achieve More by Morten T. Hansen, a management professor at the University of California, Berkeley, and a renowned expert on workplace performance, the concept of deliberate practice is key. Hansen emphasizes the importance of focused, intentional efforts to improve specific skills by analyzing mistakes and refining methods. Applying this principle to negotiation means breaking down each failure, learning from it, and practicing with the purpose of building expertise and confidence over time.
Building resilience and mastery
Negotiation is an art that requires practice, reflection, and continuous learning.
Preparation is key - understanding the other party’s needs, interests, and triggers ensures that you approach the table with empathy and strategy.
Communication techniques like summarizing the other party’s position, using phrases like, “Let me see if I understand…” to show empathy and build rapport is essential. Using open-ended questions show respect and build rapport.
After every negotiation, reflection helps uncover lessons that can be applied to future challenges. Make yourself a habit, and take time to analyze what worked, what didn’t, and why.
Failure in negotiation is not the end of the story, it’s a powerful teacher —a catalyst for growth and the foundation of your next chapter. Embracing setbacks transforms us into not only better negotiators but also more thoughtful collaborators and resilient leaders. Those who listen, learn, and adapt are the ones who truly change the world.
Let failure be your teacher, and let each setback drive you forward toward greater success in your upcoming negotiation.
Roar Thun Waegger, Facilitator, Advisor & Mediator
Roar is a facilitator, advisor, and mediator, and he founded Waegger Negotiation Institute (WNI) in 2017. Up to 2017 has Roar been working as a lawyer with employment and labor law, and he has extensive experience in practical negotiations and long-time influence work. With his experience and training from Harvard PON and Pepperdine’s Straus' Institute in negotiation, mediation, and conflict resolution he helps his clients solve their challenges.
