How To Show Up As Your Best Self When You Have A Partner With Cancer
- Brainz Magazine
- Oct 5, 2021
- 4 min read
Updated: Oct 6, 2021
Written by: Marika Humphreys, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Your partner has cancer and more than anything you want to be calm, strong, and positive for them. Instead, you feel the opposite. You’re worried about the future, anxious about your partner’s health, and wondering how you’re going to cope with it all. It can be hard to show up as the person you want to be when there is so much uncertainty.
When my husband was battling cancer, there were many nights where I would wake up at 2 AM with my mind racing. I was worried about how he was going to handle the upcoming radiation treatments and what the holidays were going to look like if he was exhausted and nauseous. My mind was so busy that going back to sleep seemed impossible. Which then made me angry because I had to work the next morning and I knew I was going to be exhausted. The next day I would be grumpy, tired and out of sorts.
Mind Is Filled With Uncertainty
When your partner has cancer, it can feel like your mind is swimming with questions that have no clear answers. Worry becomes your silent partner, lurking in the background. It’s always there, ready to rear its ugly head.
At the same time, you want to be your best self for your family. You want to be there when your partner is in pain, be supportive when you talk to the kids, have the energy to take care of your work and home obligations, and not lose yourself in the process. It can feel like a tall order.
You may become so accustomed to the constant companion of worry that you stop even noticing how it’s affecting you. The sleepless nights, aches and pains, and general feeling of fatigue start to feel normal. It may seem like there is nothing you can really do about it.
Worrying sometimes feels necessary. If you ruminate about something long enough, eventually you’ll find an answer, right? Wrong. It is never necessary, even when your partner has cancer. When your mind is occupied with problems you can’t solve, it will exhaust you. It will run you ragged and keep you from being your best self for your family.
Take A Closer Look
The mental chatter that you think of as worry are simply thoughts in your head. Often, they come in the form of questions and “what if” statements. Still, they are just thoughts and don’t have to be listened to. Your thoughts are always optional. When you become aware of them, they are something you can have control over.
Take a closer look and start noticing the thoughts in your head. Start by taking your worries out of your head and bringing them into the daylight. Grab a piece of paper and write them all down. Then you can take a look at what you are worried about and why.
Sometimes there are deeper fears at the root of our worries. You may be worried about your partner’s next scan, but the deeper fear is that you're afraid of becoming a single parent. When the future seems so uncertain, our brain will start looking at all the possible scenarios of what could go wrong. However, these worries are just thoughts that your fearful brain is offering up. You get to decide if they are worth listening to.
Take notice. Make a list of your worries and for each one, ask yourself, why am I worried about this? Keep asking till you get to the deeper fear.
When you pay attention and list out your worries, it does two things. First, it clears them from your mind so they are no longer floating around in there. Secondly, it lets you take an honest look at what you are really worried about. When you see what your deeper fears are, then you can start to question them.
If you have a partner with cancer and are weary of the worry, then join me in a free 3-day (1 hr/day) workshop where you will learn how to identify your biggest worries, clear them out, and let them go so you can refocus on be your best self for the ones who need you most.
STOP Worrying & Start LIVING — 3-day FREE workshop for people who have a partner with cancer
Marika Humphreys, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Marika Humphreys is a Resiliency Coach. At the age of 40, while working full time and raising a 5-year-old, her late husband was diagnosed with cancer. Over the next 5 years, as her husband battled multiple cancers, she took on many roles, including spouse, employee, mom, and caregiver. Marika believes caregiving is one of the toughest jobs out there, and it’s easy to become depleted and feel like you have no control. Through coaching, she learned that she could still be in charge of her life, even while caregiving to her husband. Coaching helped her discover her own power, strength, and resilience, and now she helps her clients do the same. She believes that even in the midst of a challenge like having a spouse with cancer, you can build resiliency skills and take control of your life.
