How to Set an Effective Limit When You Need to Win Your Child’s Cooperation
- Brainz Magazine
- Aug 20
- 14 min read
Eleni Karacostas is an entrepreneur and a passionate supporter of Positive Parenting. She is the founder of Parenting. Today, an online parent coaching platform that supports parents to raise self-confident, emotionally intelligent children, based on the latest brain research.
A note before you read: to accommodate both girls and boys, the text below alternates between the two in each section.
There are limits where we can impose our will on our child, such as whether to get a snack from the store or take them to a playdate with a friend, and other limits where we have to win our child’s cooperation, such as getting them to come to bed, take a shower, or get dressed to leave the house in the morning.
These are the tough ones because there is no easy fix. We don’t want to scare our child into cooperating or have them obey us without question, because these methods invite trouble (more on that below). If yelling or threatening seems like an easy fix, it unfortunately comes with consequences to our child’s well-being and our relationship.
So, what could we do instead?
There are many different limits where we need our child to cooperate with us, and we might need to adjust our approach accordingly. But the list below is a comprehensive guide that can be applied to almost any such limit and help you out of trouble. Use these steps in the following order and have faith in your child’s willingness to do the right thing. You are most likely to succeed if you can regulate your own emotions and if you don’t take your child’s resistance personally, as proof that you are not an effective parent. Remember, they are a child, and their priorities are different.
This is where you can start:
1. Make a reminder
First, spell out what you want your child to do, right? They need to be reminded. “Hey, time for your shower, sweetheart.” Perfect! You just said it. If your child obeys immediately, your job is done. Mission accomplished. But, let’s face it, that’s not very likely.
So, this is just the start. You said what needs to be done, and now your child is aware of your wish. Most likely, your wish and hers are not the same. You want her to shower, and she wants to continue playing. So, she might resist, saying “No, not now!” or she might ignore you completely. Or, she might pretend that she didn’t hear and continue with whatever she was doing. Allow for a few minutes to pass and...
2. Gently “get in her face”
One way to show our children that we are serious about what we are asking of them is to firmly and lovingly approach them and inform them of our intention. “I don’t know if you heard me, sweetheart, but I need you to come for a shower right now.” Maintain eye contact and say it with a smile. Force her to pay attention to you, but use a friendly tone and attitude. If she resists and reacts with “Not now, Mom!”...
3. Empathize
Okay, you get it. She is having too much fun, and it will be a huge sacrifice for her to interrupt it and do what you ask. How would you feel if you were engaged in an enjoyable task and someone asked you to stop and do what they say instead? Not easy, right?
It wouldn’t be easy for any of us. Yet, there is something that helps kids cooperate with us despite all odds, and that is simply recognizing the sacrifice. In other words, they need our understanding of how difficult it is for them to stop whatever they are doing to do what we want instead.
So, how do we show understanding? We speak with empathy, of course. “I know, sweetheart, showering is the last thing you want to do right now, huh? You’re really enjoying this game, I get it! I can see that. You’re having a lot of fun with it!” Then, with as few words as possible, repeat the limit: “And it’s already 8, so it’s time for your shower!” Now, she feels that you really see her difficulty; you have factored in the way she feels! If she comes for that shower, she knows that you will appreciate it for what it is, a sheer sacrifice to accommodate your wish.
Let’s say that showing empathy could ease your child’s willingness to cooperate. But even so, she might not come. What does that mean? She is not ready yet; she needs some more time to process it inside her and make the decision to comply. What can you do then? Well, if she needs some more time, give it to her! Just accept the fact and...
4. Give a warning
“Do you need another 5 minutes? Ok, 5 minutes it is!” Now, the child is not only aware of the necessity of that shower but also of the time they have left in whatever they are doing. A warning sets a clear boundary in which the child can prepare psychologically and practically to stop and follow your lead, and your sheer generosity gives your child an additional boost to want to cooperate. Not now, of course, but in 5 minutes!
a. Set a timer
Often, setting a timer for those 5 minutes can work wonders. When the time comes and the buzzer goes off, miraculously, instead of you being the bad guy, now the “bad guy” is the timer! Your child also knows that a timer can count time flawlessly, so there is no question as to whether these were indeed 5 minutes. So, after 5 minutes have passed, repeat the limit: “Ok! Time’s up. Time for your shower now.”
All the above is a form of pressure to help your child cooperate with you. By now, he sees that you have really made an effort to enforce your limit without being cruel, and he appreciates it, I promise. Theoretically, by now, it is much more likely that he will come take that shower. But again, there is a chance that he won’t. What now?
5. Remind the agreement
When you gave her these 5 minutes, you made an agreement, right? An agreement that you will wait for another 5 minutes, and that she will then come for that shower. There are two people involved in the agreement, and you are not willing to let go of your side of it. So, remind her! “We made an agreement, sweetheart, and we always keep our promises, you and me!”
Team up with her, remind her of your comradeship, and remind her that you also keep the promises that you make to her (and always DO keep your promises!). She wants you to always keep those, so she will try to keep hers now, too. If she still doesn’t follow through, though, which is always a possibility, there is another fun trick that often helps.
6. Turn it into a game
Children love playing, and when they are invited to a game with us, they find it difficult to refuse! Use your imagination and try to make him laugh. “Oh no, the clock is ticking! The shower guard is whispering in my ear that we can only shower in the next 100 seconds! Hurry! I am counting! One, two, three...!” Or, “Come here, you no-shower guy, I will get you! There is no chance you can get away!” And start chasing him around the room. These attempts to turn it into a game, also called “gamification,” help us instantly connect and give children extra support to cooperate without “losing face”—in other words, without complying with our wish against their will. The decision to cooperate has to be the child’s if we want him to develop self-discipline. Children need to have an internal motive to do the right thing.
If your attempt to turn it into a game falls on deaf ears, simply because your child is too absorbed in what he is doing and still resisting interrupting it with all his might, there might be another last thing to do. Or not, we’ll see.
7. Interrupt the activity
Maybe she is playing with a ball, or maybe she is watching something on TV. Gently take the ball and say, “Shower time, honey, you can have this right after. Come on!” Or, shut the TV and say the same. This helps you enforce your limit while staying respectful toward the child.
Sometimes, of course, there is no act you can follow in order to interrupt the activity. If she is observing ants crawl or if she is doing headstands, there is no ball to take or TV to shut. Don’t sweat it. Instead...
8. Withdraw and wait patiently
By now, you have already done a lot of work to give your child the necessary support to cooperate, even if it hasn’t yet brought him to the shower. However disappointing this might be, please don’t take it as proof of your ineffectiveness as a parent. Remember, you are giving your child a reason to follow your lead ON HIS OWN WILL, and this work is much more important than getting him to take a simple shower.
So, at this point, you can just withdraw for a while to give him a chance to make the right decision. Say something like, “Ok, I will be in the shower waiting for you. Don’t be late, honey.” And leave.
Let’s get into your child’s shoes for a moment.
You are a happy little boy and your parents’ pride. You know your mom wants you to take a shower, and by now, you know that she has really made an effort to make you do it. Suddenly, your mom withdraws. You are aware that it’s shower time, and deep down, you want to please your mother. All children instinctively want to please us if they are given the necessary conditions to do so. Pleasing us ensures their good relationship with us and helps them feel safe and close to us. A child who is not forced to please a parent will try to do so because it is in their best interest to do it.
Thirty minutes have passed. It is now 8:30. You have had enough time to get emotionally prepared to stop playing and move to the shower. You have even been allowed to play a little longer. Now, the ball is in your court. You know your mother will be thrilled to see you come to the shower, and you have a chance to see that thrill on her face. The pendulum shifts.
You decide to comply with her wish. You move to the shower, making sure your mom notices it. She sees you, and her face lights up! She mentions it, “Wow! You came on your own! Thank you, sweetheart, I can always count on you, even when you are too busy playing!” Your heart warms up. You get in the shower and enjoy every minute of it.
Off your child’s shoes now.
Mission accomplished! Right? Or, maybe not. There is still a chance that your child doesn’t come to the shower, even after your patient waiting. What then?
All the above steps, and each one individually from the first to the last, make it more likely that your child will cooperate. If, however, this still doesn’t happen, it is again not advisable to resort to force. But you can do something else. You can call it a day for now and lift the pressure altogether. Does this mean that your child is off the hook? No! Of course not. Because your next move is about to come...
9. After the incident
All you have to do is remember to bring it up. So, bring it up a bit later that day, the next day, or a month after the incident. Do it at a time when your child is calm and willing to listen, and do it in a way that avoids blame.
Deliver an I-message
If this limit (the one with the shower) or any other limit, in fact, is frequently ignored, then it is time for a friendly conversation. From as early as 4 years old, you can deliver to your child what we call an I-message. This is a form of communication in which you inform your child of a complaint of yours to bring it to the forefront and initiate procedures for finding a solution.
An I-message in this case looks like this: “Honey, every time I ask you to come get your shower and you continue playing, I feel frustrated, and I worry that you will not get the necessary hygiene you need twice a week.” PAUSE. In other words, do three things: Talking from your own point of view (“I”), 1. describe the behavior, 2. name the way you feel, and 3. say how the behavior is affecting you. PAUSE.
Pause and see what your child has to say. Sometimes, just spelling it out will make your child try harder the next time. You are making your child aware of a challenge you are facing with her, fair and square, without making her wrong or hurting her feelings in any way. Again, respect is maintained.
Sometimes, an I-message is all that is needed; other times, an I-message is the first step to initiating a long conversation on the issue at hand that will help you both try to tackle the problem and reach a solution jointly. We will call this wonderful procedure “Problem Solving.” So, for problems that persist and are a bit more complicated to sort out...
Problem solve
Some problems with our children persist and are more complex to handle. Continuing to nag about them endlessly, or, on the flipside, giving in, are both not very good ideas. What would solve the problem then?
Picture yourself saying, “I need your help. There is this problem, and I think we should brainstorm ways to solve it.” Get a piece of paper and a pen. Children love the formality of the act, and they also see it as a fun game. Let your child know what the problem is and start brainstorming for solutions. Write down any solution that is mentioned, even the most ridiculous ones! Then, go over each one and decide if you will keep it as a possible solution. If at least one of you disagrees with it, just strike it out. The solutions that you both agree on will emerge. Pick the best one.
This is the solution that you came up with together and that is mutually agreed upon. Shake on it. Now, both your child and you are bound to cooperate.
Not only is this a fun way to approach problems, but it is also a way that helps children cooperate because they participated in the process of finding a solution! And if some time passes and the solution you found doesn’t work anymore, go back and start a new problem-solving session from scratch.
That’s it! You’ve made it!
You managed to give your child all the support he needs to cooperate with whatever is important to you, and you did it while maintaining the respect—and your sanity—throughout the interaction! And for some extra encouragement, please know that...
It won’t always be so difficult
Remember, children who are given the support to cooperate, instead of being forced to do so, are much more willing to comply because they can count on an attitude by the parent that is respectful and makes room for their dignity and free will.
When a child is guided by their parent in this manner, he does not have enough reason to fight against limits as much. Such a child will ‘do right’ because he takes pride in doing right and feels good afterward. A child who is used to this way of relating to you is unlikely to resist so forcefully.
But since we always take into account any scenario, or if you are just starting with this kind of loving guidance and your child is not yet used to it, I want to make sure that you have all the tools you need to set an effective limit at the times when you need to win your child’s cooperation.
As usual, a few notes:
Be firm, don’t give in
One of the traps we fall into when we are trying to make our children follow our lead on limits where we need their cooperation is that we spell out what needs to be done, and if we get resistance back, or if we just get ignored, we give in and leave it at that. Until, a while later, we resort to yelling or threats to force our child to comply with whatever we asked her to do in the first place. So, make a note to stay firm in your limit, using all the above ways mentioned. If you let your child ignore you, you are training her to ignore you every time.
Now, you may ask
‘Why would I get into so much trouble? A simple threat or a loud tone of voice might do the trick with my child. I don’t have the time for all that.’Well, here is the thing. This kind of parenting is more difficult, no doubt, but according to science, it is what experts consider ideal for a child’s development. Children who are raised in this manner are more confident, more self-disciplined, more considerate of other people’s needs and feelings, and develop higher self-esteem growing up and a positive self-image later in life.
But there’s more. Putting in the work now won’t only benefit your child, but it will also make your job as a parent a lot easier as your child grows! This is because your child will gradually turn into an autonomous, self-driven, capable individual who needs very little support from you to be his best self throughout his childhood!
And there is yet another very important reason... Getting your child to simply obey doesn’t come without consequences. So keep reading to find out…
Why we do not want our children to simply obey
First, forcing your child to obey won’t help her develop self-discipline. She might obey, but not out of respect, and she will struggle to develop emotional self-regulation.
A child who has been raised with coercion does not feel comfortable standing up for herself, taking responsibility for her actions, or following her own judgment and ethics with confidence. In addition, as she grows older:
She may have difficulty setting boundaries
She will likely have trouble trusting herself and her judgment
She will be more susceptible to peer pressure and coercion by others
She is more likely to have elevated anxiety
She may internalize shame
She may be critical of herself
She may please others at her expense.
No human does well with coercion. We are creatures of free will, and so is your child. A child doesn’t need force in order to cooperate but guidance to find the courage and motivation to do the right thing.
Related: Why is my child not listening to me?
Children who have the appropriate support to do what we ask of them, without imposing it on them, develop an internal compass, along with the fortitude and strength to advocate for themselves, manage disappointments and setbacks with resilience, and move with confidence throughout their lives.
Let’s recap
Getting your child to cooperate is no easy task, especially in those limits where you need to win your child’s cooperation. Doing it respectfully is an extra challenge in itself, on top of everything else.
But it can be done. Thousands of parents are trying it and succeeding every day.
Yes, there will be setbacks, and yes, you will yell sometimes, against your best will. Don’t worry, your child won’t break. All parents yell at times. It is continued yelling or threatening that is a hazard to your child’s well-being, not the occasional, once-in-a-while thing.
For all those other times, when you manage to gather the necessary self-regulation and dedication to do the above, you have these easy-to-follow 9 steps to guide you. So, buckle up and get out there to face the turbulence.
You can do it.
Read more from Eleni Karacostas
Eleni Karacostas, Entrepreneur, Parenting Coach, and Educator
Eleni Karacostas is an Entrepreneur, a Certified Peaceful Parenting Coach, and a mother of two. Her experience with parenting made her realize that best practices for raising children based on the latest brain research, were very little known to most parents around the globe. Having experienced the tremendous difference that these practices made in her family, she set out to contribute, together with other like-minded professionals, in passing the message across to as many families as possible. She founded Parenting. Today, an online parent coaching platform that makes it easy for parents to get all the information and tools they need to raise self-confident, emotionally intelligent children, tailored to their individual, unique family.
