How To Say No — A Guide For People Pleasers!
Written by: Jean Fleming, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
People pleasing is a common issue for many humans. Family, friends, colleagues, managers all make demands of us. Often, we agree because we want to be liked. We want to be helpful. We don’t like saying No!
As a result, we frequently put others first to our own detriment. We end up over committing, potentially resulting in burn out and ill-health.
More often it is how you say No and how you behave that will have more impact.
Boundaries - Make sure you are clear about your own boundaries to set expectations from the beginning and that you stick to your own boundaries. Consistency will show those around you what your limits are.
Not Sorry! - Don’t be apologetic. You do not have to say sorry for managing expectations and your own health!
Be clear - Be polite but assertive, don’t waffle of waver.
Put yourself first! Ask yourself, by saying yes to this request what will the impact be on me and on my own commitments?
Schedule EVERYTHING – then you know what, if any, space you have in your schedule. This is useful to ensure you do not overcommit to yourself too!
Saying No! doesn’t have to include the word No!
Here are a few ways you can think about politely declining requests without saying the word No!
I can’t help you now but I could do it….[only if you have time in the future].
I can’t help you but [another person] can.
I have my own priorities that I need to deliver so I do not have time to help you achieve yours.
I need time to consider how long it would take me and how much time I have got that I can free up. Consider before you commit.
I am already at capacity, who else could help you? It is not your responsibility to find someone for them.
If that takes priority [x] will have to be pushed back/dropped and the implications of that will be…
It is not possible to do all you are asking in the hours I have available – what is the priority for you?
I do not have enough resources in my team to do all that you are demanding from us – what is your priority? What can I postpone/drop?
Be prepared – practice these lines and have reasons ready before you need them!
Even if it is your boss asking, if they are making excessive demands, it is not unreasonable for you to push back. Managing your workload and your priorities should be done in conjunction with your manager.
Of course, sometimes it is OK to say ‘Yes’ but be clear about your motivation. If you immediately get the knot in your stomach or the voice in your head telling you should have said no, then consider whether you have done it for the wrong reasons and quite possibly because you are people pleasing!
Please yourself first, otherwise, you will never truly be happy!
Jean Fleming, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine Jean Fleming is an Empowerment and Leadership Coach helping women to create the life they want. With over 30 years of business experience, Jean was the first woman to join the Board of a global company – a role she still fulfills 12 years later. Jean is an experienced ICF accredited Coach, a DiSC Profiler, an Emotional Intelligence EQi-2.0 Assessor, and a Fellow of the Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development (CIPD). Jean uses her extensive range of skills and experience to bring a dynamic and supportive service to her clients to help them identify and create the life they want.
