How to Quit Judging Yourself and Start Living in Joy
Tara Swann is an Emotional Empowerment & Embodiment Coach and three-time Author who guides women to alchemise emotional patterns, reclaim their inner power, and manifest a life that reflects their deepest truth.
I was at a women’s retreat recently and found myself judging the women in the room, one by one. I was observing how easily my mind goes to judging others, how icky it feels in the body, and almost instantly I thought, “How can I be curious instead?”
Judgment and curiosity cannot co-exist
I started asking those women questions, curious about their lives, their stories, their pains, and their interests, and over the long weekend, I learned something truly special about every woman there. I could see them in a different light and connect with each of them, each teaching me something unique within their own journey. When I started being curious instead of letting myself go to judgment, I opened up a space to learn.
This is the key: curiosity allows for learning and expansion. Judgment takes us straight to contraction and being closed off to anything else. Judgment leaves us in non-acceptance.
Self-reflection and personal growth
As a practitioner and coach, I was also aware of how much our external judgments are simply mirroring our judgments within and toward ourselves. They’re either pointing to something we feel is lacking within, something we are longing for, something we judge ourselves for, or they’re pointing to our internalised beliefs, which are mostly passed down and, the majority of the time, simply untrue.
When we think about this, we can also become curious about our own judgments, curious about our judgments toward others, and curious about our judgments toward ourselves. When we ask ourselves the same question, “How can I be curious instead?” we open up a space to learn more deeply about ourselves and return to a truer state of who we are in our essence.
It’s the difference between being open to life’s endless possibilities and being completely closed off to anything new.
Returning to wholeness
Curiosity kills judgment, and judgment kills curiosity. When you make it a practice to notice judgment and instead become curious, you start giving parts of yourself a safer space to be seen. When you begin to see these parts of yourself and meet them with love over judgment, you become more familiar with your desires, your longings, your needs, your pains, your beliefs, and with each moment of reflection, you can choose whether or not to meet those longings and needs, to be with those pains and old belief systems, and whether or not to change them. Curiosity gives you choice and possibility.
Each part of you wants to be met with non-judgment, and with each part, you have an opportunity to return to yourself, your truth, and your wholeness. Anytime you reject a part of yourself or meet it with judgment, you are rejecting your innate wholeness. Anytime you love and accept a part of yourself, you are returning to your wholeness. Self-acceptance begins the moment you become curious instead.
What does self-acceptance look like in real time?
When judgment arises and you choose curiosity instead, you start asking questions: What is this reflecting to me? What is this part of me? When did I form this belief about others or myself? When did this part of me accept this belief as truth?
Let’s say you judge someone because they are playing, acting like a child. You think, “Why is she acting that way? Who does she think she is? So unladylike.” Then you catch yourself in your habitual thought patterns and decide in the moment to be curious instead: “Ok, I notice my judgment again. What is this reflecting to me?” You realise you have a longing to play, enjoy life, and act childlike at times. You realise that you formed a belief earlier in your life that, as an adult, you’re no longer allowed to act that way. Maybe you’re also afraid of others’ judgments toward you.
From here, you can acknowledge your longing for play. You can choose to incorporate more play into your life in small ways. You begin to fulfil your desire, and that part of yourself begins to feel full again. You are no longer rejecting a part of yourself and no longer rejecting this in others. You begin celebrating play in your life and encouraging it in others. You actively uplift yourself and uplift others. You become a bringer of joy.
That part of yourself that longed for play is no longer buried within; you have integrated it into your life. You have successfully begun to feel your wholeness and have raised your frequency to match the life you actually desire. Your wholeness moves you toward the external reality you wish to create, which would have otherwise been stagnant in your state of judgment. Curiosity opened the door to a whole new way of being and loving yourself and your life.
How self-love aligns you with your desired reality
Loving yourself, feeling whole and connected, also means you’re more in tune with your true self. When you are attuned to your true self, you can begin making decisions aligned with your truth rather than over parts of you that are afraid of judgment. With each shedding of old judgments, beliefs, and false ideals, you crack open a doorway to a life truly aligned with you and your soul.
When you love yourself, you make decisions from your heart. When you love yourself, you stop settling for anything that doesn’t reflect and expand that love. When you love yourself, you create a life that you love.
The example above is actually one of my own stories. When I recognised my longing for play, I started dancing more, doing random cartwheels throughout the day, playing with my kids more, and acknowledging that I also wanted to manifest a relationship that was fun and playful. This was one of the things I aligned with in my life and also one of my non-negotiables when calling in my relationship. Then, I called in a man who also values play as much as I do.
Alignment within creates alignment in your life. This is where curiosity can take you.
Curiosity creates change
Curiosity doesn’t just remove judgment, but it truly allows you to explore your inner terrain and change the things that don’t feel good. Instead of accepting your internal and external reality as it is, you can choose to think, feel, live, and love differently. Life truly gets to be fun.
My invitation to you is to open to curiosity. Start saying things to yourself like, “Oh, that’s interesting!” when a thought pops up, or “Oops, there’s that judgment again, where’s this one coming from, I wonder?” By doing this, you’re choosing to break free from the box that your life has conditioned you to live in and create a life that radiates from you and your soul.
Curiosity does not kill the cat; it kills a life that was never truly yours to begin with.
If you’re ready to be curious and open up to life’s beautiful possibilities, I welcome two new clients into my space. Whether you want to manifest love, awaken your voice, or align with your truest self and find direction, you can apply to work with me here.
Visit my website for more info!
Read more from Tara Swann
Tara Swann, Emotional Empowerment Coach & Author
Tara Swann is an Emotional Empowerment Coach, Author, and Speaker known for helping women alchemise emotional patterns into personal power. She guides women into deeper confidence, clarity, and self-connection through her unique blend of emotional mastery, feminine embodiment, and manifestation work. Tara is the author of You Don’t Have Anxiety, Becoming Her, and The Ocean Is She, and is currently deepening her expertise through formal Tantra Practitioner training. Her mission is to help women remember who they are and consciously create lives that feel aligned, expansive, and unapologetically alive.
