How to Manage Grief and Understand Your Spheres of Control
- 5 days ago
- 7 min read
Lilyan Fowler, M.S., LPC-Associate, NCC, is the founder of Fowler Counseling and offers accessible virtual therapy for marginalized communities across Texas. They are an affirming, trauma-informed therapist who supports and empowers clients through an attachment-based approach.
Grief and uncertainty can challenge even the most resilient leaders and professionals. Understanding what is within your control — and what is not — provides a framework to navigate loss, manage anxiety, and foster personal growth. This article explores practical strategies, including the spheres of control, to help you regain stability and move forward with intention.
Grief can unsettle even the most capable among us, shaking the ground beneath our feet. Loss and uncertainty affect our sense of control — and understanding how to regain footing can guide growth, even when life feels out of balance.
A recent loss can shake once-solid foundations, reminding us that slowing down is not weakness but an act of honoring ourselves and those whose presence is no longer here. Few experiences destabilize us more than the death of a loved one. It is an undeniable truth of life: we are born, and one day, we will die. While death is inevitable, it is something many of us fear. When tragedy strikes, it can be difficult to feel grounded as our sense of steadiness is disrupted.
Grief does not pause for leadership roles, deadlines, or professional expectations. When we experience loss, our nervous system searches for safety. Because death cannot be reversed, the mind often attempts to restore balance by tightening its grip elsewhere. The nervous system interprets loss as a threat and looks for protection in predictability — routines, productivity, over-functioning, or hyper-responsibility.
In my work as a therapist, I often see this show up quietly in their actions: a client who lost a child started meticulously organizing their household schedule and burying themselves in their work.
They were not avoiding grief — they were seeking control where it felt possible. Over time, recognizing this pattern allowed them to step back and intentionally honor their own emotional needs.
Grief often unfolds in waves. We may feel denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, or acceptance — sometimes revisiting certain feelings multiple times before reaching a sense of steadiness.[1] Experiencing and expressing these primary emotions in safe ways allows us to process grief and gradually regain a sense of stability.[2][3]
However, anxiety after loss is not the only time our footing shifts. Growth and healing also begin in uncomfortable places. Often, that discomfort exposes how deeply we long for stability.
Understanding control
Throughout life, it helps to understand our internal and external locus of control. The internal locus refers to our ability to manage thoughts, behaviors, boundaries, and coping skills. We may influence certain aspects of our lives — communication, relationships, work — but we cannot entirely determine them. We cannot change the past, predict the future, or dictate other people’s reactions.
Trauma and prolonged stress can leave us feeling as though we are constantly reacting. This is not thriving; it is surviving. When the nervous system perceives instability, it searches for something predictable to hold onto. Many aspects of life exist outside our reach. When we redirect our effort toward what is within our influence, growth becomes possible. Anxiety may still arise, but clarity improves when we understand where our attention is best directed. One practical framework for this is the three spheres: control, influence, and concern.
Loss, grief, and growth
Loss is irreversible and often leaves us yearning for agency. Grief is layered, much like the growth rings of a tree. Imagine yourself as that tree: when tragedy strikes, the trunk is wounded. Over time, it heals, yet each new ring represents an evolved version of you encountering grief again. Anniversaries, holidays, milestones, or new losses can resurface old pain — not because you are failing, but because you are growing around it.
Experiencing and expressing emotions — sadness, longing, or anger — in intentional ways allows us to process grief and gradually regain stability.[2][3] Each wave of grief presents an opportunity to notice where our energy is best spent, what we can influence, and what we need to release.
When grief becomes all-consuming, the goal is not to regain perfect balance overnight. Instead, notice what remains within reach. The loss itself cannot be undone, but you can choose how you respond. You can soften expectations, protect your capacity, and allow yourself to receive support.
Your three spheres
Inner circle — Control: Your thoughts, behaviors, words, boundaries, self-talk, and coping strategies.
Middle circle — Influence: Areas you cannot fully determine but can affect — relationships, professional outcomes, and communication.
Outer circle — Concern: What lies beyond your authority: other people’s emotions, decisions, the past, and uncertain futures.
Many people overextend themselves not because they want to, but because it once kept them safe. If security depended on staying alert, being “good enough,” or keeping others happy, your nervous system may default to hyper-responsibility. Survival strategies — fight, flight, freeze, and fawn — were once adaptive. Over time, they can manifest as chronic stress, anxiety, or the urge to manage everything around you.
For high-achieving professionals and leaders, this can look like carrying everyone else’s emotional load while minimizing your own. Recognizing this pattern allows you to redirect your efforts where they truly matter.
Grief itself can feel disorienting, like walking through a dense forest without a compass. Fatigue, withdrawal, brain fog, insomnia, and reduced productivity are common. Emotions such as anger, confusion, despair, or injustice are not signs that something is wrong — they are part of the healing process.
Returning to your inner circle becomes essential. Your boundaries. Your capacity. Your communication. Allow yourself to lean on others where possible. Express your needs with clarity.
“Sometimes the best we can do is the essentials… and that is enough.”
I often tell my clients that doing the basics — eating, drinking, attending to personal hygiene, and taking medication — is enough, and it is okay to say, “That is all I can do today, and that is enough.”
Mapping your anxiety
When everything feels heightened, mapping your anxiety can clarify where your effort is most effective.
Slow down and get curious
Ask yourself: What thoughts, situations, or interactions are weighing on me? Approach this with curiosity rather than criticism.
Map it out
Inner Circle: Can I take direct action through my choices or coping strategies?
Middle Circle: Can I influence this through communication or boundary-setting?
Outer Circle: Is this outside my authority — such as someone else’s feelings, the past, or uncertainty?
Breathe and reflect
Take a few steady breaths and ask: Where is my effort best directed? This practice helps your body recognize where action is possible and where release is healthier.
One client, overwhelmed by grief after losing a loved one, recognized that returning to work full-time immediately was not realistic. Together, we mapped their anxiety: their own workload was within their control; their ability to influence how supportive their boss and team were fell in the middle circle; and other colleagues’ reactions were in the outer circle.
By communicating honestly with their supervisor and setting clear boundaries, they were able to take gradual steps back into their role, honoring both their emotional capacity and professional responsibilities.[3]
“Healing and growth begin when you shift your focus toward what is truly yours to carry.”
When grief feels heavy, or anxiety swells, the work becomes less about preventing pain and more about responding with care. Relief often lives in small moments: pause, breathe, take one manageable step forward.
“Relief often lives in small moments: pause, breathe, take one manageable step forward.”
Gentle practices to find footing
Reflect on what is within your control and release what is not. Where might you be overextending yourself in search of steadiness?
Write a letter to your loved one or journal about your experience.
Honor their life through ritual — share stories, carry forward traditions, plant something in their memory, or contribute to a cause they valued.
A recent loss inspired my family to continue filling blessing boxes and supporting our local food pantries, as our loved one was passionate about helping others and ensuring no one went hungry. Little did she know that her legacy would spread nationally following her passing. It was a beautiful way to honor the life she lived and feel close to her.
These practices help us process grief, safely access core emotions, and foster resilience.[2][3] Healing and growth are not about managing everything around you. They begin when you shift your focus toward what is truly yours to carry. The desire for steadiness is not rigidity — it is adaptability. When you learn to live within your sphere, empowerment follows.
Experiencing loss can feel isolating, but you are not broken. Grief signifies that something meaningful has changed. Things may feel unfamiliar, but that does not mean they are unsafe. With time, support, and self-compassion, your footing strengthens again.
If this season feels heavy, support is available when you are ready to reach for it.
Read more from Lilyan Fowler, M.S., LPC-Associate, NCC
Lilyan Fowler M.S., LPC-Associate, NCC, Founder-Mental Health Counselor
Lilyan Fowler, M.S., LPC-Associate, NCC, is the founder of Fowler Counseling, offering accessible virtual therapy across Texas. As a queer, neurodivergent, and disabled therapist, they bring lived experience, empathy, and cultural humility to their work with marginalized communities. Grounded in trauma-informed care and attachment science, Lilyan helps clients build resilience, reconnect with their authentic selves, and define their own vision of personal success. They are dedicated to supporting clients in fostering and maintaining healthy relationships with themselves and others. Through their work, Lilyan strives to make mental health more approachable and inclusive for all.
References:
[1] Kubler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2005). On grief and grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. Scribner.
[2] Greenberg, L. S., & Johnson, S. M. (1988). Emotionally focused therapy for couples. Guilford Press.
[3] Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. Guilford Press.
