How To Handle The Holidays Without Your Dysfunctional Family
- Dec 1, 2021
- 4 min read
Updated: Nov 24, 2022
Written by: Ashley Tilson, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year... but does it truly feel that way for you? It's a time that can bring a lot of strong, mixed emotions for those that came from dysfunctional, abusive families. Upon seeing all the holiday ads that emerged immediately after Halloween, I came back to my realization on how this mass marketing can do more damage than good and it makes my heartache for others. As someone that grew up in a household where every day was like tip-toeing around on the broken glass, I quickly grew into someone that saw the holidays as more of an obligation and chore as opposed to the celebratory time of year that it’s meant to be. And the reality is that for anyone that’s forced to be in a room with people that inevitably trigger their past trauma – we slowly begin to realize that the holiday season can be used as the illusion that momentarily negates all the trauma. But the truth is that it never excuses or makes up for any of the pain, which is why I’ve found it to be a much more positive & joyous time of year after cutting my narcissistic family off.
It was a bold, courageous move that saw me dealing with guilt and shame... all while facing the positive outcomes that my therapists were coaching me towards. It’s been almost 10 years since I cut my family out of my life, but since that was necessary in order for me to break free from the past and heal (thus leading me to become the Healer I am today), it was a move that kick-started my personal transformation. But the truth is that every year, I can sense the accusatory questions and expectations that my family would have for me, and I no doubt have to mentally prepare myself to face the holiday marketing that paints a picture I will never have – one where a dozen people are gathered for days of celebration and feasting, all while enjoying activities that are both foreign and far-fetched to me. Where this left me was realizing that I would feel a million times better without the guilt-trip attached gifts, the itinerary that I would be yelled at for deviating from, and the financial burden that came from buying my family gifts that would essentially (hopefully!) shut down any assumptions and accusations they would have for me. Nobody needs this kind of stress for the holidays, because that’s not what the holidays are supposed to be about! This is why – through trial and error – I came into a whole new mindset about the holidays that I want to share with you.
First and foremost, there’s the realization that as an adult we all create our own family. Anyone that’s experienced any type of abuse within the family knows (deep down) that family doesn’t have to be made up of blood, just as blood does not constitute what is our true family. To quickly fill the “gap” that came from cutting my family off, a lot of my friends became a part of my family. Since I knew there was no big family dinner to look forward to, I set up a yearly holiday celebration that included all of my friends. And even though this has been broken down into separate online gatherings during this pandemic, it’s something that takes away from the fact that I no longer have the traditional family holiday gathering. Behind the pain, which marketing reminds us of, is the inherent need for every person to share the holiday season with those they love. However this looks for you is completely up to what you want and need, and know that even if it all doesn’t happen on the holiday you celebrate, it’s all about making the best of the season!
Truth be told, even as I experienced the emptiness and loneliness that followed me cutting my family off, I quickly realized that spending the holidays – on my own terms – was infinitely more happier and stress-free than any previous holiday season that I had. This is because I now have more time, energy, and money to spend on those that mean the most to me. If I had to go back in time, I wouldn’t change anything… because even during the last few years that I was still spending the holidays with my family, they were the most stressful and triggering gatherings I had each and every year. And if that is how the holiday season feels for you, then know that you do have the power to change it! Only through breaking away and creating my own new traditions, I found a new joy in this season which is all thanks to the celebrations I’ve created on my own. Sometimes the holidays are just me, my husband, and our dog, but it’s a cozy day of cherishing the new family I’ve found all while being thankful for all the positive outcomes that have been a result of breaking free and healing from my past trauma. And if you need an understanding and supportive shoulder to guide you through your process of healing from the past, be sure to check out my Trauma Healing programs which are based on my experience healing from my past abuse and emerging as a new, happier and more empowered person!
Ashley Tilson, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Ashley Tilson is an emerging Intuitive Healer that specializes in trauma, abuse, and addictions recovery. Using a combination of her lived experience with childhood abuse and addictions, her takeaways from therapy (journaling, CBT, peer mentoring), and her training in holistic healing modalities, she delivers 1-on-1 sessions and programs that are designed to release clients from the past and begin their lives anew with pure authenticity and happiness. She's a graduate & mentor of the High Priestess Ascension Academy, a registered Reiki Practitioner with the Canadian Reiki Association, a volunteer with her local Victim Services unit, and the Founder & Writer of www.EmpathConfessions.com. Ashley welcomes all to connect with her through her free online consultation calls and workshops!
