How to Deliver the Decision to Divorce – A Thoughtful and Compassionate Approach
- Brainz Magazine
- Aug 20
- 6 min read
Jennie Sutton is passionate when it comes to Divorce! She is the founder of the online platform, untyingtheknot.me. Here, she offers a one-stop shop for women as an accredited finance, divorce, and domestic abuse coach and in-person court coach, assisting women in rebuilding their lives with confidence.
Data from UK family law sources indicate that September is the second most popular month for people to break the news that they want to separate. With the flourish of summer holidays ending and children going back to school, couples start thinking about their relationship for the upcoming year. The acknowledgment of this paradigm shift extends past basic knowledge to both the emotional and practical elements of these conversations.
If you recognise yourself in this opening paragraph thinking the same, and before you become a September statistic, consider the way you approach this conversation, because quite simply, it will determine the outcome. Why make it harder for yourself? After all, seeking separation and divorce is the second and third most traumatic lifetime event in anyone’s life, next to the death of a loved one.
Setting the scene for your conversation
When it is time to share your decision with your partner, creating the most favourable environment is essential. In my professional experience as both a Divorce Coach and McKenzie Friend, also known as a Courtroom Coach, the initial conversation becomes the North Star for the rest of the process. Your approach to this situation will determine the course of events that will unfold throughout days, months, and possibly years. To open with anger and blame fuels enduring conflicts and animosity, which differs from a more compassionate approach that is well within your grasp if you start with sincerity and honesty. As a quick reminder, this is your life, not a scene from the pages of a fictional book, or the stills from TV or cinema. High conflict doesn’t have to be the norm, the go-to behaviours that we choose to be, it can be a conscious untethering with dignity and respect.
The first conversation is just that, the first of many, about your marriage, relationship, and future. You do not need to cover every detail at once, that would be impossible and would be needless topping to an already overwhelming sandwich. The conversational process resembles a dance because you learn the steps through the actual movement of pivoting forward. This conversation isn’t about fixing things; those discussions have already passed. The process requires you to reveal your decision while chassé forward in navigating the path to separation and divorce.
The dress rehearsal, your preparation
Picture the final part of the discussion. How do you want to feel as you conclude and give each other space for the message to land? Maybe calm, confident, composed? It’ll help you to have the end in mind and know when you’ve reached the finish line if you identify three words to describe that moment. Visualisation is a tool widely used in sports and business, and is just as powerful for personal development. Running a mental “movie” of the conversation prepares you for the real thing, anything from what you wear (something uplifting and confidence-boosting) to tactile anchors like jewellery that you can imagine activating your inner resilience.
Visualise the room, props (candle, tea, lighting), and even your tone of voice. In your mind’s eye, you hold the remote control to the scene, you determine the pace, script, and emotional tone. The repeated practice of this task reduces anxiety while building confidence and strengthening your belief in delivering life-changing news with grace. Your preparation will establish you as the main character who controls your life story instead of being a passive observer or even being the bystander that’s swept away with events and emotions.
Timing and setting are critical
The actual words you communicate have the same importance as the timing and location of your conversation. Avoid heated arguments or stressful weekday evenings. Select a weekend period that works for you between Friday night and Saturday morning. Ensure children are cared for elsewhere; they should be shielded from the emotional intensity of this adult conversation. The room needs to be free from distractions such as phones, computers, and visitors to enable both parties to communicate freely and authentically.
The setting or location of this conversation functions as a backdrop, which enables the dialogue to thrive instead of obstructing it. A calm, neutral environment, for example, the kitchen or garden, signals that this is an adult conversation about an adult decision.
Delivering the message with HEART
After rehearsing your mental movie and setting up the environment, your next step as the director of your life, is to concentrate on clarity. Having the conversation about separation is never easy but approaching it with intention can make a difference. The HEART framework offers a clear, structured way to express yourself honestly while maintaining respect and compassion.
Using the HEART formula for your first separation conversation
H - honesty
Start by being truthful about your feelings. This isn’t the moment for blame or recrimination; it’s about owning your emotions, sharing your reality, and setting the tone for open conversation.
“I want to be honest with you about where I am. This has been very difficult to come to terms with.”
E - explain
Take responsibility for your perspective and explain what’s been happening for you internally. Focusing on your experiences will assist your partner to appreciate your standpoint, without feeling attacked.
“I’ve been feeling unhappy for some time, and it’s important I share that with you.”
A - acknowledge
Recognise and honour the history and positive moments you’ve had together. This demonstrates empathy, dignity, and respect without diluting your message.
“I value the time we’ve spent together and all the good memories we’ve made.”
R - respect
Avoid blame. Phrases like, “You’re the reason for our problems” or “If you changed, things would be better.” There is absolutely no point, as this will only serve as a red rag, so flip the conversation to the outcome you want (remember your 3 words as highlighted within the dress rehearsal phase). Do your best to follow your plan to keep the conversation constructive and compassionate, even when emotions run high.
“I hope we can navigate this conversation with mutual respect and understanding.”
T - tomorrow
Finally, gently shift toward the future. Frame the decision as a step towards well-being, happiness, and mutual growth, while leaving space for emotions to be leaned into and processed. This will highlight that it’s an unknown journey for both of you and yet provides direction without pressure.
“I believe this decision is the best step forward for both of us. Let’s think about how we move forward calmly and thoughtfully.”
This HEART framework ensures your first conversation about separation is honest, compassionate, forward-looking, and lays the groundwork for a respectful transition.
The teflon suit to resilience
As the conversation unfolds, there could be moments when you feel vulnerable or the whole scene unnerves you as it seems surreal. This is the time to don your imaginary “Teflon suit” of resilience. This mental anchor enables you to hear the words and not have them penetrate your nervous system, leading to dysregulation. Instead, the Teflon will enable the words to slide off onto the floor. You’ll be able to remain calm, in control, and be unwavering in your decision. Your partner may express anger, sadness, or disbelief, all of which are perfectly normal as they enter the grief cycle. Whereas you are further down the line and step into your energy of composure. Your objective is to be grounded, respectful, and demonstrate that your decision has been challenging and yet the right one.
Shoe shifting the dance of perspective
The technique of shoe shifting will enable you to imagine how your message is going to land with your partner. Think of all the questions that may be asked and how you’ll answer. If you’re not sure on anything, then say with honesty, “that’s something that we’ll have to work out”. When emotions rise, then take a break and stop the conversation until you both have control; otherwise, you run the risk of saying or doing something that you may regret further down the line.
No rush for the next steps
After delivering the news, there is no need to immediately launch legal proceedings. The message, the emotions, and the impact on practicalities need to land first. After this time of reflection, both parties have time to consult with a professional to get a complete understanding of their legal, financial, and child arrangement responsibilities. Informed decisions are key and will assist with strategic conversations around these aspects, which will reduce potential future conflict.
The delivery of the divorce news remains challenging, and yet appropriate preparation enables both the sender and the recipient to transform intense moments into structured and effective conversations. These steps will start the process to prepare and mentally rehearse the transition, which is vital alongside choosing the words of your message.
Read more from Jennie Sutton
Jennie Sutton, Accredited Women's Divorce & Court Coach
Having experienced her own 30-year marriage end in divorce, Jennie turned her experience into a mission to support other women. As an accredited divorce and family court coach, she supports women who are faced with the additional challenges of domestic abuse. With twenty years as a coach and firsthand insight, she provides reassurance and guidance every step of the way. To Jennie, untying the knot is about finding the end to make a new beginning.
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