How to Cultivate More Joy in Your Life
- 4 days ago
- 4 min read
Updated: 2 days ago
Dr. Birkhofer is known for inspiring and empowering people to improve their mental health. As a Clinical Psychologist with over 40 years of experience, her upcoming book (available September 2026) titled "Beyond Quick Fixes: Essential Ingredients for Better Mental Health & a Fulfilling Life," will be a valuable resource.
What if I told you that joy isn’t simply a blissful feeling, but rather a by-product of a life well-lived, made more likely by a certain mindset? Eleven years ago, my son Wiley died, and I thought I might never feel joy again. My sadness and grief cast such an all-encompassing shadow over me that joy felt out of reach. Then, The Book of Joy by the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu reframed how I thought about joy and restored hope that I could feel joy again.
Many people live with heartbreaking loss, unrelenting demands, or hardship, making it all the more essential that we develop ways to experience joy to help us balance out and navigate the challenging parts of life. No one should have to live a joyless existence.
Reimagining joy
For me, joy could no longer be narrowly defined as a burst of good feelings, solely dependent on circumstances. I was relieved to learn that joy could be thought of as a special kind of happiness, stemming from certain attitudes and ways of being.
This shift in definition aligns with the science of positive psychology, which views happiness and fulfillment not as fleeting highs, but as a cultivated state that emerges from a life lived with intention and purpose.
Joy is restorative: it helps us refuel ourselves when our tank is running on empty. But it doesn’t come easily for everyone. Thankfully, we can cultivate a mindset that makes joy more accessible. The following eight qualities enable us to cultivate joy in our lives.
Eight pillars of joy
Perspective: Be on the lookout for moments of joy and goodness, and make sure to pause and savor them. See yourself, others, and life’s challenges from a wider perspective, and reflect on things from a place of curiosity, open-mindedness, and wisdom.
Humility: We never graduate from being students of life. Everyone has strengths and shortcomings, and learning from mistakes is one way we grow. Have realistic expectations and leave room for joy even when things are less than ideal.
Humor: Find the humor in things and bring moments of lightheartedness into your life. Find something to smile or laugh about amidst all the hard work and serious business of life.
Acceptance: Accept life with all its pain, uncertainty, and beauty. Accept yourself and others as you are, a work in progress. Let go of excessive judgment and rigid expectations that edge out joy.
Forgiveness: Respond to wrongdoing with clarity and firmness, but do not lose sight of the other person’s humanity. Forgive yourself and others for their limitations and mistakes. Clinging to grievances typically hurts us more than others and robs us of joy.
Gratitude: Find something every day to appreciate, no matter how difficult your circumstances. Gratitude is an antidote to focusing on fault and lack. Make it a habit to take notice of the goodness in yourself, others, and the world.
Compassion: Extend love and kindness towards yourself and others when they are hurting or struggling. Compassion is part of the soil joy can grow in.
Generosity: Offer the world your love, your joy, and your service, and watch your own joy multiply in the process. Contribute what you can toward making life a little better and spreading goodness wherever possible.
Overcoming obstacles to joy
In addition to practicing these qualities that allow for more joy, be on the lookout for certain feelings, circumstances, and attitudes that dampen joy and lightheartedness: excessive fear, anger, envy, self-centeredness, reactivity, despair, stress, and our survival-driven negativity bias.
Our brain has a built-in negativity bias that scans our environment for any potential threats to our safety and remembers pain more readily than pleasure. We have to consciously make an effort to counter that bias and not lose sight of the more positive aspects of our experience.
Do your best to find constructive ways to address difficult emotions and situations so your mindset remains strong and hopeful. Self-awareness, compassion, constructive attitudes, and wise action can keep challenges from becoming all-consuming. Actively notice what is still good, even amidst the harder parts of life.
The tale of two wolves
There is a Native American story told about a grandfather speaking to his grandson about two imaginary wolves that live within us and compete for our attention. One wolf is angry, greedy, arrogant, full of self-pity and false pride, resentful, and dishonest. The other wolf is joyful, serene, loving, hopeful, humble, kind, empathic, generous, compassionate, and honest. The boy asks his grandfather which wolf wins, and he tells him, the one you feed the most.
Don’t wait for joy: Put the pillars into practice
Notice, savor, and appreciate the goodness in your life.
Be kind to yourself and others.
Practice humility, acceptance, forgiveness, and generosity.
Be lighthearted whenever possible.
Be open-minded, curious, and wise.
Which inner wolf will you feed today? Here’s to choosing ways of thinking and living that invite more joy on your journey.
Read more from Dr. Celeste Birkhofer
Dr. Celeste Birkhofer, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Celeste Birkhofer is a Clinical Psychologist and Adjunct Clinical Faculty member of Stanford Medical School’s Department of Psychiatry & Behavioral Sciences. With over 40 years of dedicated practice, she has guided countless individuals through personal growth and healing, witnessing both the best of personal transformation, as well as the more devastating impacts of serious mental illness. Her mission is to inspire and empower people to take their mental health seriously, improving and protecting it as best they can. As she is known to say, “Your mental health impacts everything-it matters. You matter.”
