How To Be A More Self-Reliant Leader

Written by: Traci Philips, Executive Contributor

Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.

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“Apparently, they are predicting an upcoming food shortage and the price of eggs may go up to twelve dollars a dozen,” my husband said over dinner the other night. “Really??? That’s a dollar an egg!” my daughter exclaimed. “Good thing we have chickens and don’t buy eggs,” she added with a smile. “It certainly highlights the importance of learning how to raise, grow and access what you need, doesn’t it?” I said, looking at my husband and daughter.

Recently, I experienced, first hand, the feelings that often arise when what we have come to rely on changes.

Rushing to get my daughter to urgent care, I hit a detour. This added additional time to my drive, so I had my daughter call ahead to let them know we were on our way, but running late. She was told we would have to reschedule and the earliest they could see her was the next day at 4:30 pm.

My first thought was, “WHAT???? This is URGENT CARE?!”

My daughter’s symptoms had been getting progressively worse over the last 24 hrs and this prompted me to change my schedule to take her to the doctor. Now we would have to wait for another 24 hrs?

Granted, I was stressed and already juggling way too many things with my husband away for work, but this really threw me for a loop. I needed to find another solution.

Upon arriving home, I called the Urgent Care facility and told them of my situation and asked if they could help me. I was given the address and number for a brand new location that had recently opened and was much closer to my home. The woman apologized that they had recently changed the way they operated and were now a private care practice with a few urgent care spots each day. She did say the new location was open to walk-ins until 7 pm. Ah, true urgent care!

Change is hard. Especially when it is thrust on us under the least comfortable and convenient conditions. There is a lot changing right now that is highlighting just how reliant we have become on other people and systems to provide what we need to live and function in our day-to-day lives. When these people and systems are no longer there for us, it tests and uncovers our dependencies.

In the end, I was able to get my daughter treated and it all worked out. But the experience really made me think about just how much we all have built lives around a reliance on so much outside of ourselves that we cannot control.

This leaves us, understandably, feeling vulnerable and insecure, when we realize that we aren’t sure what we would do if what we’re reliant on instantly disappears.

So many of us have been raised to trust systems to protect, save and even feed us. When they start to show signs of weakness, brokenness or suddenly are no longer there in the ways we have come to expect, we experience a lot of mental, emotional and physical discomfort.

I believe much of the emotional upheaval that we have been witnessing and experiencing over the last few years, and undoubtedly will continue to witness in the coming years, is due to things changing and falling through that we have previously depended on for our stability, security and well-being.

Although we can see that a lot is broken and needs fixing within these very systems, and we might want to see the necessary changes made, when these structures that we have learned to count on begin to expose their inadequacies and fail us, we have to be prepared to weather the time it takes for the old to die to make room for the new.

My own experiences with this have been humbling and have thrust me into a mental and emotional place of taking stock of my own responsibility and accountability in providing, for myself, what I need.

I would like to point out something that, for most of my life, has not been an easy thing for me. What I needed in that urgent care experience when I was told, “we cannot help you today” was a solution. By asking for help, I was able to connect to it by allowing myself to be supported.

There is a difference between this and fighting back, falling apart or throwing up our hands and saying, “fine, I’ll do this myself!” True self-reliance also includes knowing when and how to receive the support we need to find the solutions that will best serve us.

How often do we truly ask for help from an open and neutral space? Often, it’s more a reaction of shut down and blame that either have us playing the disempowered roles of victim or perpetrator. We blame and complain or attack and demand when what we truly want is to find a way to get our needs met.

The other thing that arises when we meet change with a desire for a solution is, we realize we are far more capable of handling and going through challenges than we might think.

Things really do have a way of working out.

The choice is ours around what we want to experience. We can aim our mind in the direction of the “oh how awfuls,” and begin to see all the problems with what is happening, or we can trust we can and will find a better way to get what we need.

A great way to actually build our self-confidence is to increase our level of self-reliance. A big part of this is to develop a better relationship with ourselves. This includes working on our internal self-trust and belief in our own capacity to do what we want and need to do.

Here are 5 things to consider in building better self reliance:

1. Know and Trust Yourself

You’ve got this, you really do! Think of all the things you have done and overcome in your life. Just because the headlines might read The Sky Is Falling, doesn’t mean it is. Life has always been full of challenges. By knowing and understanding who you are, through your experiences, strengths and needs, you can best determine what you can do to meet any difficulties head on. Trust you can do it and know you will find solutions that best serve you.

2. Think for Yourself and Make Your Own Decisions

Even if everyone around you holds a particular perspective and thoughts about a given situation, know what you think about it matters the most for you. It doesn’t mean you can’t and shouldn’t consider the viewpoints of others, but at the end of the day, you get to choose how you think and, consequently what you decide to do, at all times.

3. Understand You Are 100% Responsible for All Things in Your Life

Yep, this can be a hard one. But you cannot feel and be self-reliant when you are playing the victim and looking for who or what is perpetrating you and who or what needs to make things better for you. Being the creator of your life means taking full responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, actions and outcomes.

4. If You See It, Address It

If something concerns you, stop worrying and find a solution. When we are facing uncertainty, worrying only creates more. Sometimes the solution you need is to shift your mindset or the narrative you have chosen around a given scenario. If there is something in your life you need more information about, help with or need to learn or find an answer for, don’t wait until things blow up or become dire. Determine what strengths, strategies and solutions you have available to you and create some movement and action around them.

5. Practice Self Care

Alignment and balance are key. Give yourself what you need to remain grounded, curious, open and creative. This includes making decisions that align with who you are and what’s important to you. Are you choosing habits, people, environments or pastimes that challenge your ability to be calm and centered? Are you engaging in thoughts and beliefs that support or stress you out? Stay aware and vigilant to ensure you have what you need in all ways to navigate the daily waters of change.

Taking the initiative to develop awareness and taking action around each of these considerations can lead you to much deeper feelings and expressions of self-reliance. And let’s face it, in the times we’re in, this is worth the cost of admission.

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Traci Philips, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine As an Executive Leadership & Performance Strategist, Traci Philips supports visionary business owners and corporate executives to learn and practice better communication, resolution strategies, decision-making, and leading during times of change and when the stakes are high. A three-year stint co-facilitating a men's transformational program for industry leaders incarcerated in Federal Prison taught Traci more than she could ever have learned elsewhere about high-stakes leadership and the cost of bad decision-making. This experience fueled a passion in her to help top leaders learn what they needed to know so they wouldn't end up losing what matters most. Her ultimate goal is to support her clients to live authentically and lead powerfully by creating more awareness about who they are, how they want to be seen, and what legacy they want to leave behind. Traci is the co-host of Eavesdrop in the Moment, a bi-weekly podcast that discusses current trends and leadership. Her book, Looking In: Discover, Define and Align the True Value of Your Life, Leadership and Legacy is helping leaders around the globe increase their confidence and self-identity to meet leadership demands and their personal performance potential.