Written by: Doron Willis, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I am almost willing to bet all my money (calm down it is not as much as you think), that at some point in your life you have cried, "life is not fair". The truth is, you are right, life is unfair. Just ask children or individuals who are diagnosed with a terminal illness, or who are repeatedly abused at the hands of those who should be loving and caring for them. Or how about the many injustices that we all have witnessed involving our judicial system. I truly wish I had the answers for this unfairness. Nevertheless, I have come to learn that when life seems unfair, it is only testing our willingness to be resilient and not give in to the victim mentality when given the opportunity to test our resolve.
There have been plenty of moments throughout my life where I felt like it was me against the world. From initially getting cut from the freshman football team (a story for another time) to getting passed over for employee of the month for someone who had put in less time and sacrifices than I did. However, the one moment that stands out more than the others is my divorce because it was this event that put me on this path to spiritual growth and transformation. I remember like it was yesterday when the judge read off his verdict granting my ex-wife permission to relocate to another part of the country with our son. It immediately felt like my soul had left my body, and my inner dialogue became rampant with thoughts and questions that I had no explanation for. Like, How did he come to this conclusion? Does this mean I have to move so I can remain close to my son? Why are other fathers allowed to remain close to their children, especially those who have shown to be a negative influence in their kids' lives? And lastly, the most infamous question we ask ourselves when life seems unfair is, why is this happening to me?
I will man up and admit that I cried like a baby once things had sunk in, and I had no idea how I was going to move forward. This situation initially made believe me that I was not a good father or person despite never having been involved in any kind of situation that proved to be detrimental to the well-being of my son. Then the advice of a close friend hit me. "Dude, use this time to work on yourself and get into a position where if your son wants to come live with you, you will be able to accommodate him." It was this advice along with some other insights from my support system that helped me realize that I did not have to give in to the unfairness of life. Let me take this moment to express how important it is to have a sound and rational support system to help you navigate tough times. My support system helped me understand that this moment of my life was happening for me and not to me, and I begin to go deeper within myself to find meaning and purpose for my life.
In the pursuit of connecting to my inner and highest most self, here is what I learned on how not to get sucked into the unfairness of life.
1. Fair Is A Place For Cotton Candy And Rides
Now that I have lived long enough, the things that I associate with the word fair are rides and cotton candy. During which, the rides do not last long and the cotton candy quickly dissolves. Since the beginning of life, Man, which also includes women and children, has always been met with challenges. Even the most revered and worshipped figures from religion were not spared the rod of unfairness. If these individuals had to go through some of the most extreme circumstances, what makes you think that you should be exempt? Life is an ongoing school of lessons that presents adversity as a way to get us out of our comfort zone and to learn something new about ourselves. Also, it helps us to see just how precious life is and not to get caught up on things that will not matter when it is all said and done. It is this reason why I try to find something to be grateful for in my daily life because I know that at any given moment life could hand me a bag full of rotten, dried-up lemons not even to make lemonade. It was once stated that happy people don't spend their time and energy comparing the fairness of life, but instead, they use that time to cherish what they still have. In other words, stop comparing your life because our brains are hard-wired to point out the negative, which hinders your ability to be grateful for what is going right in your life.
2. No Showers, No Flowers
This goes along with the sayings of no pain no gain, and no mud no lotus. Basically, without any type of challenge, you cannot expect to evolve into a stronger and wiser person. Ironically, even some of the foods we eat have to grow through cow dung for us to have nice evening dinners. It is the dung that gives the food its minerals and nutritional value. And similar to some of the foods you eat, life has to sometimes cover you in manure (figuratively speaking of course) for you to tap into your richness and provide value not only to yourself but within the world as you best see fit. Since I have come to understand that this is a part of life, I welcome the storms with open arms and an open heart because I know that the storm has arrived to help me uncover parts of myself that I need to face and embrace so that I can blossom into the sentient being that I have been created to be. Author Eric Butterworth once stated, "Don't go through life, grow through life", and the only way to grow through life is to know that there will be times where you may have to eat a little dung. And when you do find yourself in this predicament just smile, and say to yourself, "Open wide, here comes the airplane!"
3. Take "It Should Be" Out Of Your Vocabulary
If it should be, then it would be. The word "should" is one of the most dangerous words in our vocabulary. The word "should" feeds the victim mentality and often makes it difficult to accept life as it is. It blinds you from learning the lessons, seeing the innate gift, strengths, and skillsets you possess during moments of adversity. Going back to my aforementioned life experience involving my divorce, I immediately felt that "I should not be going through this", "I should have my son in the same city as me", "I should be treated with more respect" and so forth and so on. Believing and constantly feeling that something "should" be a certain way is the equivalent of a four-year-old throwing a tantrum. Now, I am not saying that if something is bothering you to just shut down and suppress your feelings. What I am saying, is to step back and mindfully examine the situation and try to express your frustrations in a more constructive manner where you will most likely be heard, and not left kicking and screaming like the four old.
Trust me, I get it that life seems to favor some more than others. However, very seldom do we ever get to hear about everyone's trials and tribulations. One of my favorite reminders about life is that everyone is fighting a battle that no one knows anything about. And I believe this to be true because we are living in a world we are told to only put on our best face and show everyone just how perfect our life is, which begins to draw comparisons and feelings surrounding the fairness of life. I strongly encourage you to closely examine the "unfairness" in your life, and see what is in your control to change it. And if it is something out of your hands, then release it from your mind too and go live your life with what you have. The irony is that all is fair and unfair at the same time. The question is, where are you going to put your attention towards? My hope is that it is gratitude.
Doron Willis, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Doron Willis, LMFT, MA. Doron is a Mental and Sports Psychotherapist helping individuals with a competitive spirit uncover and breakthrough their mental blocks in order to foster resiliency and perform at an optimal level in life consistently. Doron is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the state of California, a former Division I collegiate athlete, and a certified fitness and sports performance trainer, so he knows all about the importance of cultivating a strong and sound mind. Doron specializes in life transitions, resiliency, sports performance, men's issues, and helping individuals find meaning and purpose for their life.
Doron earned his Master of Arts degree in Clinical Psychology with a concentration in marriage & family therapy from Phillips Graduate University, and his Bachelor of Science degree in Health Sciences from Arizona State University. Additionally, he is trained in EMDR therapy from the EMDR Institute and holds a certificate in Sports & Exercise Psychology from California State University Dominguez Hills, and a certification as a Performance Enhancement Specialist (PES) from the National Academy of Sports Medicine.
Doron is also the author of "The IT Factors For Athletic Dominance: Identifying the traits of elite athletes.
