How Do I Know if My Own Trauma Is Stopping Me from Being the Mother I Want to Be?
- Feb 6, 2025
- 3 min read
Written by Irina Ciureanu, Psychologist and Psychotherapist
Irina Ciureanu is a dedicated psychologist and psychotherapist. With a previous background in business psychology, she now focuses on helping clients overcome trauma, anxiety, and depression through the AEDP model. This evidence-based approach combines mind-body techniques and neuroscience to provide effective and lasting healing.
If you’ve ever wondered why parenting feels harder than you expected or why you’re struggling to connect with your child in the ways you want, it might be worth considering whether your own childhood trauma is playing a role. Trauma, especially from early childhood, can shape the way you respond to your child, sometimes without you even realizing it.
Signs your unresolved trauma may be affecting your parenting
1. You avoid spending time with your child
You notice that you consistently choose other activities over spending time with your child, even though you know you should be bonding. This may not be a reflection of your love for them but rather a defense mechanism that stems from unresolved emotional pain or trauma. Avoidance often serves as a way to manage overwhelming feelings that arise in close emotional interactions.
2. You get easily irritated by their crying or needs
When your child cries or expresses distress, you feel frustrated or even angry. You may not understand why their needs trigger such a strong emotional reaction. This could be rooted in your own experiences of neglect, where your emotional needs weren’t consistently met as a child, making it harder for you to tolerate distress from your child.
3. You feel emotionally detached or numb
Sometimes, you feel disconnected from your child, almost like you’re watching yourself parent from the outside. You may experience emotional numbness, which can be a result of childhood trauma that hasn’t been fully processed. This detachment is your mind’s way of protecting itself from feeling overwhelmed by the closeness you need to engage with your child.
4. You feel the urge to yell or be harsh
When your child acts out or misbehaves, your first impulse may be to raise your voice or respond harshly. This could stem from your own unresolved trauma, where you might have experienced harsh discipline or emotional invalidation as a child. As a result, your body might instinctively react in a way that mirrors what you experienced, even if it’s not the approach you want to take.
5. You feel like you’re failing or not doing enough
You constantly feel like you’re not doing enough as a mother or that you’re failing in some way. This feeling of inadequacy can stem from the internalized messages you received growing up, possibly from caregivers who made you feel like you were never enough. These feelings can be carried into your own parenting, making it harder to feel good about what you’re doing for your child.
6. You struggle to set boundaries or be consistent
Setting healthy boundaries with your child might feel difficult, and you might find yourself bending or giving in to avoid conflict. If you were raised in an environment with inconsistent discipline or boundaries, it can be challenging to establish and maintain them with your child (Hughes, 2017).
If you recognize any of these signs, it might be helpful to explore your own history and seek support through therapy or other healing practices. Recognizing how trauma affects your parenting is the first step in breaking the cycle and becoming the present, connected, and nurturing mother you want to be.
Read more from Irina Ciureanu
Irina Ciureanu, Psychologist and Psychotherapist
With empathy, curiosity, and gentleness, she supports clients on their journey of emotional healing. She helps them recalibrate their life's path, highlighting the key questions needed to uncover their answers and internal resources for improved well-being. With over 15 years of extensive training and specializations in psychology and psychotherapy, Irina understands the personal and professional challenges of the modern world. Her approach, grounded in scientific validation, emphasizes the connection between mind and body. Through integrative therapy, she aims to foster transformation and enhance psycho-emotional health.
