How Deep Is It Really?
Dana Silverstein is a clinical therapist providing coaching & counseling services to meet your unique needs. She is the owner and operator of a small town and growing practice called Dana Silverstein, LMSW, PLLC.
As humans, we tend to create our own suffering. Our responses to negative events are often worse than the event itself. We do this by attaching meaning to thoughts, interactions and events that are not accurate or helpful. This habit can lead to cognitive spirals and anxiety that we are actually creating on our own. On average, an emotion only lasts about 90 seconds! It's the narrative that we attach to events and emotions that lead to prolonged angst and suffering.
Example: You were not invited to a party
Emotion: Sad, disappointed
Unnecessary attachments that keep the emotion alive and spiraling:
Why wasn’t I invited? They must hate me. Does everyone hate me? Do they think I’m annoying? Am I missing the best party there ever was? Do I have any friends? Etc.
In this example, the person would be better off sitting with the emotion and then moving on and re-directing themselves instead of getting caught up in the negative spiral of unhelpful and untrue information.
Example: You failed a math test
Emotion: Upset, disappointed, frustrated
Unnecessary attachments that keep the emotion alive and spiraling:
I’m not smart. I’m such a failure. Everyone probably did better than me. Everyone is going to laugh at me. I’m going to fail this class. My teacher hates me. I am not getting not college. I have no future.
In this example, it is important to separate fact from feeling. It may be a fact that you failed the math test. However, this fact does not make the spiraling thoughts true.
Example: Your friend didn’t answer your call
Emotion: Disappointed, annoyed, curious
Unnecessary attachments that keep the emotion alive and spiraling:
They hate me. Are they mad at me? What did I do? Are they hanging out with someone else? Am I annoying them? Did they ignore me on purpose? Are they ever going to call me back?
In this example, we have no evidence to believe the attachments are true and are most likely stemming from our own insecurities. This would be another good time to use ‘fact vs feeling’ to separate what is going on from what our anxiety is telling us is happening.
Helpful takeaways for deep self-awareness
Learning to sit with uncomfortable emotions.
Learning to re-direct yourself after a negative emotion.
Learning to label situations with feeling words instead of cognitions.
Separating facts vs feelings/thoughts.
Learning that most situations are not that deep, and it is our spiraling thoughts that make it feel deeper than it is.
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Dana Silverstein, Clinical Therapist: Coaching & Counseling
Dana Silverstein, LMSW, is a clinical therapist well known for her eclectic approach and unique techniques to help children, teens, and adults navigate their social-emotional worlds and reach their full potential.
