How Codependency Became My Superpower!
- Brainz Magazine
- Jun 28, 2021
- 7 min read
Written by: Sarah Tricker Alchemy, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
“If I could choose any feeling right now, it would be happiness and safety. Life would be happy, no relationship, money, or work worries. Just growth in all areas of our life!”
This excerpt of my healing journal I wrote back in 2018 stood out more than the rest. Can you relate to these feelings and desires?
Codependency is not something that happens overnight, yet 90% of the population, according to a study done by Crester and Lombardo (1999), found that out of the college students they surveyed, nearly half displayed codependent behaviors! This, you might agree, is quite staggering!
Codependency is often seen in a common way. An addict or sufferer of a long-term illness has taken control of their family as they have no control of their own life. They have beaten down their partner, who has no self-esteem left and is a shell of a person. Although this is one picture, it is not the only one!
There is a sliding scale of how codependency shows up in people’s lives. The scenario above is one end. I personally show up on the other end of the scale, which is overachievement! Here is our story!
It began in 1992 when I went to my Auntie’s house in Brighton for the summer holidays. This time in England, everyone was using the CB radios, much like we use computers to connect today. I met this boy through one of my Aunties friends. Little did I know he would be the man I would marry!
Forward five years, and we are married with our first child on the way. By the age of 21 years old, I had two little ones. I was a housewife, and my hubby was searching for his meaning. You may be able to relate; life got busy raising the children, working, and paying the bills, the stresses rise.
It doesn’t happen overnight, the drinking becomes more and more, and later I discover that my codependent behaviors also grow. It’s not even noticeable to start. Being a housewife and controlling all aspects of the home; cleaning, cooking, paying the bills, washing, shopping. Looking back, it evolved into everything being the way I wanted it to be done. Hubby went to work and earned money, and the rest was my job. Over time this ended up with extreme behaviors where I would never let my husband fail. As the drinking grew, we found many ways for him to appear like our life was normal when behind the scenes, it was not.
I am going to be totally honest with you here. I was really good at playing the role of the martyr! As an overachiever, I would set myself unrealistic goals. The best example would be when we moved to Canada. I was in university getting my education degree, working, looking after the kids alone while he was long-haul truck driving during the week, and running the home, on top of doing home renovations. Look at everyone at all the things I do, and no one is there to support me. Even if someone did even try to support me, it would not be done how I wanted, and I would reject it.
This is the part of codependency that shocked me the most. It was easy for me to blame my husband and his addiction to alcohol. I had to learn to take responsibility for my actions. The day I walked into the counselor’s office is as clear as it was yesterday. I sat in the chair in front of her and said, “I am an enabler, and I don’t know how to be any other way!”
2018 was the year that both my husband and I had to heal ourselves and learn a new way to love each other. Although he had faced his nemesis in 2014, we continued the cycle in our relationship. I had to learn to let go of control, and he had to learn how to show up. This journey was not easy, and I had to really look at myself and how I showed up in my relationship.
My family has had the gift on the familial side for many generations. This may not have been spoken of for fear of repercussions. Thinking back to Europe and the decimation of the Witches. Many of the female healers went underground or stopped practicing out of fear. The knowledge and skills of my ancestors were removed yet were still passed through the DNA of my foremothers.
The healing journey I had to do was not just with my husband; it was far deeper. It was with my mother, my husband, my children, and with my ancestors. The patriarch system had stripped womanhood away and made it shameful. Deep in my DNA, I know I was a healer, and I had been stripped of the teachings of my ancestors. This is why I believe I became a codependent.
“Adversity brought about my biggest lessons of strength!”
People often frown at me when I tell them that codependency is my superpower. How? As an educator, I watched so many children be told that they were less because of their dyslexia, autism, Asperger’s, or ADHD as examples. I had worked really hard on teaching those children that those were their superpowers!
Why wasn’t I living by my own advice? This created a massive mind shift for me! I now looked at codependency through a new set of eyes and turned what I believed was my biggest weakness into my biggest strength. Let me share some with you;
I am empathetic: It is my biggest strength to see people’s light that shines inside them even when they do not. I have learned that I do not have to make people see their light; that is their own journey! My life purpose is to guide those who are ready!
I am loyal: Loyalty is how I have created a long-lasting successful marriage. I did not walk away and continued to do my own work, so I showed up as the best possible version of myself.
I am responsible: Being able to look within and acknowledge my own behaviors and bias, working fully on my own emotions of shame, guilt, and anger taking action on dealing with said emotions.
I am not a victim of circumstance: I have full control of my actions and choices in every situation I am in. I no longer blame others and take action on my own behalf.
I am authentic: I am honest and open about who I am and how my codependency is a part of how I came to be me! No Regrets!
As a spiritual life coach, I teach my clients how mistakes are their lessons to become better versions of themselves. If life was peachy and we had no adversity to work through, we would become lethargic and content with how things are. It is not my job, or yours even, to stop people from making mistakes, understand that people have to make their own mistakes to learn their lessons!
As a healer, I never intentionally hurt my husband. All I ever wanted was for him to see that light shining inside as I did. I worried about him and wanted to protect him. He suffered so many things before I met him, and I wanted that pain to go away. He has this gift of making me laugh when I really don’t want to, of making me feel safe, and I always felt like we just fit together. I was trying to fix the external things when he needed to work on the internal himself. No amount of things I did were ever going to be enough until he was enough for himself. When I released the clutches of codependency and allowed him to be responsible for himself, guess what?
I would like to end this article by sharing some of my husband’s successes with you. In 2016 he took the biggest leap of his career and left truck driving, talking his way into a sales associate position in a Toyota dealership. With no sales experience, the first year was a learning curb. He is smart, can remember the most minuscule details easily, and has a passion for cars. It is worth pointing out that he has been successful in any career he has ever chosen, and this was no exception. By 2020 he crashed every single record that had been set in sales in his dealership, some of which were 13 years standing. He is the top-performing sales associate! He found his light!
“If I could choose any feeling right now it would be happiness and safety. Life would be happy, no relationship, money, or work worries. Just growth in all areas of our life!”
WE DID IT!
The journey of codependency was not easy, and I share this story as an inspiration to those out there who may find themselves in the situation I was in. That there is hope!
If you are interested in hiring Sarah Tricker as your keynote speaker in a conference, event, or retreat supporting women, codependents, or health and wellness, please find out more here.
As an educator, Sarah has keynotes, breakout sessions, and workshops created. Your audience will leave your event with tangible tools they can apply directly in their lives. Your event will never be forgotten!
If you are codependent, Sarah Tricker hears you. There is hope! If you feel it is time to become the best version of yourself and search for the perfect guide, here is your sign.
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Sarah Tricker Alchemy, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Sarah Tricker Alchemy is a change-maker and has the ability to see what lies in the unseen and unexplained. After realizing her dream to become an educator, Sarah soon understood she herself was not fulfilling her life purpose. In 2016 she began the journey of entrepreneurship and had been forging her way to true authenticity. Sarah is a Public Speaker & Spiritual Empowerment Coach helping women who are in transition within their life. With her gift as a healer, she facilitates women in finding their authentic selves as well as their life purpose. Every moment is a miracle, and there is always opportunity even when you cannot see it.
