Healthy Boundaries Or Walls — What Are You Building?
Updated: Oct 18, 2021
Written by: Nafisah Nuhu-koko, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Once upon a time, if you asked me what healthy boundaries are, I would guess that maybe they were borders between countries. That’s right, I had no idea what healthy boundaries were. On that note, now may be the appropriate time to introduce myself; I am Nafisah (pronounced na-fi-sa), a retired people-pleaser, who is also a recovering perfectionist.
Despite the educational experiences and accolades I have garnered, there was something missing; I did not know myself. For example, if you asked my favourite colour, I could not spit it out. Therefore, I started on this journey of self-discovery without even knowing it. Then came a few devastating life experiences that made me hit rock bottom. These life events, including the passing of my mother and breakdown of my marriage, led me to an entirely different, albeit higher stage of self-discovery and purpose alignment.
It goes to say that at rock-bottom, I found my breakthrough. It revealed to me the many emotions that I had bottled up that had affected me physically, emotionally, behaviourally, and mentally all along. One thing I remember telling my counsellor then was that I was tired of being too perfect. The only problem my friends had with me was that I was too perfect.
During this period, I embarked on research around healthy boundaries. Because I just did not want my circumstances to make me over-protective or too soft to the world. I then started to observe that a good number of adults are traumatized, and their lives revolved around abnormal coping mechanisms due to their traumatic pasts. Some have become too aggressive and shut off from the world, most have/had lost touch with their emotions.
Trauma reactions are laden with fears- of abandonment, rejection, and failure. In the process, we may start to build walls around our hearts to prevent it from ever being broken. As a result, one has this lens they view the world with and wants to isolate themselves from it.
With a deeper insight on healthy boundaries, however, it boils down to self-love and how we treat ourselves with love and kindness. And by so doing, emanate this loving energy to the world. With healthy boundaries, you get to work on yourself through healing the emotional wounds from childhood and growing up. Just leave those wounds open and allow them to air. It requires sitting through the pain and allowing yourself to just BE. By learning to be human and embracing yourself fully, you start to understand that you are not for everyone, and not everyone is for you. Therefore, you build healthy boundaries for yourself and communicate your needs easily.
With healthy boundaries, you…
make informed decisions
understand your core values
define your identity
experience an overall emotional, mental, and physical wellbeing
build healthy relationships
discover and align with your life’s purpose
Unlike walls, boundaries are flexible and not set in stone. You are allowed to change your mind and modify them over time when you understand yourself better and define your values.
Nafisah Nuhu-koko, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Nafisah (na-FI-sa) is a Freedom and Purpose coach. She specializes in coaching women who have found themselves in the carer and giver positions, to step into their power through self-care, healthy boundaries, and seeing themselves as worthy of asking and receiving their needs.
The result is a life and career of freedom, purpose, and fulfillment.
Nafisah is also a medical doctor and has a Master's in Public Health; and she applies these, alongside her life experiences in her practice.
