Grief During the Holidays and How to Navigate Loss With Compassion
- Brainz Magazine
- 2 days ago
- 3 min read
Dr. Stephanie Norris is the founder of Healing Pathways Collective, LLC, a mental health practice located in Centennial and Littleton, Colorado. She is an experienced forensic therapist specializing in evaluation and intervention for separating and divorcing families, as well as adults, children, and families facing conflict and major life transitions.
Grief is a tricky thing. The holidays trigger many emotions, regardless of whether the loss occurred 20 years ago, three months ago, or last week. The holidays represent togetherness, a hope of what is to come, a love for family and giving, and memories that loved ones can share and repeat over and over again. However, it can also come with much sadness.
Sadness during the holidays is common because most people have lost someone they love and could not imagine living their life without. Sadness is also tricky. Most of the time, we want to avoid the feelings because they are so overwhelming. There is fear in sitting in the sadness. However, sitting in the sadness only helps to overcome the grief.
A fun fact, the intensity of an emotion only lasts for 90 seconds. Yes, 90 seconds. So, when you are triggered, try to stay in the emotion for 90 seconds. Then, the intensity begins to decrease. Sitting in the emotions requires you to focus on the sadness, the grief, the loss, the memories, or whatever is on your mind. Cry. Yell out. Talk about the person. Talk to the person. Journal.
Releasing the pain allows for healing, forgiveness, and release. It is a healthy release for grief. Also, talk to the person. This helps to release the pain and reduce the intensity. Identifying what is triggering the grief is difficult in the midst of intense feelings.
Remember, only 90 seconds, and then ask yourself, what is triggering me? Why am I feeling so irritable, sad, angry, frustrated, down, or low energy? Fill in the blank. For example, it could be loneliness because you are used to having the person greet you in the morning or make your coffee. It could be fear of being alone and not finding someone. It could be sadness about not having the person at your home during the holidays. It could also be a rumination on what happened in the relationship.
Rumination is commonly observed in individuals who are grieving. It is our tendency to think about the same thing over and over. It is very difficult to stop the cycle once it starts, but it is possible. For example, ask yourself what it is about this situation that you cannot let go of. Perhaps you need closure, healing, or a healthy goodbye. It is also possible you need to accept their decision or your own. It is also possible you need to reach out to them and say goodbye in a healthy way. Whatever your need, it is important, when you are ruminating, to identify what you need.
For example, you ended a relationship because it was not healthy. You may need to write them a letter you do not intend to send. You also may need to journal about the unhealthy parts, forgive them, forgive yourself, or identify why you may be attracted to certain traits. Overall, you want to focus on the root of the issue, not the rumination.
The root of grief is loss. However, it is difficult to sit in the grief when it feels like it does not stop. You get triggered. You sit in the grief. You get triggered two seconds later. You sit in the grief. The cycle repeats. The more you sit in it and cry, yell, say things out loud, and talk to the person as if they are there, the less you will be triggered.
Overall, during the holidays, do not forget to be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to be sad. Process and release the pain. Try not to beat yourself up. Try to remind yourself of your goodness and what you contribute to your family, friends, or the person you lost.
Then, try to find the beauty in your everyday life.
Read more from Dr. Stephanie Norris
Dr. Stephanie Norris, Psych Candidate, LPC, LAC
Dr. Stephanie Norris earned a PhD in Clinical Psychology, specializing in Forensic Psychology. She has conducted many parenting evaluations and testified as an expert in parenting disputes and related cases on numerous occasions in several Colorado counties. She consults with parents, attorneys, and mental health professionals on complex family law matters and has presented at professional conferences. She also served as adjunct faculty at the University of Denver, providing teaching and clinical supervision. Dr. Norris is a psychologist candidate, licensed professional counselor, and licensed addiction counselor. She uses an integrative and goal-focused treatment approach, collaboratively setting goals after a thorough assessment.
