Written by: Sarah Duff, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I was crossing the road to my local Turkish food store when my phone pinged.
As I opened the WhatsApp and read the first line I felt my heart sink and tummy flip – and not in a good way.
It read “Sarah I think you’re lovely but I’m not in the space to be in a relationship with anyone right now.”
I stood outside the shop with my heart pounding so loud I could hear it, my hands shaking and the world around me happening in slow motion.
My thoughts were racing at 110 miles an hour. What had I done? Was it my cellulite? Was I too much? Not enough? Why had this happened AGAIN?
And it’s this last question I want to speak to in this article. Because back then I had no idea why I kept choosing the same guys. They were always Mr Emotionally Unavailable, Mr Too Much Too Soon guy (aka the love bomber), Mr Unreliable, Mr Just Wants Sex (but I’m going to tell you otherwise).
I could go on but I hope you get the picture! I had a very faulty picker!
The faulty belief I bought into
It’s no secret we all buy into beliefs that are untrue. And these beliefs shape how we perceive the world and are the lens through which we live our life.
I had a belief (like so many people I speak to) that it how things played out in dating and relationships was down to pure luck of the draw.
I felt there was very little I could do to change my luck. So my approach was to act like the version of myself that I thought would be the most attractive to a man, AND cross my fingers that the next guy that came along would be different and things would work out!
And spoiler alert – this approach didn’t work.
The first step to finding my truth
As I alluded to, being dumped by a guy I really liked was not unusual for me. Every darn time I thought things were going to work out differently. But they never did.
When I first did the dating & relationship storyboard exercise (one of the most enlightening exercises which I now use with my clients inside my programs), I was shocked to see the similarities in personality and behaviours between all the guys with whom I had ever had any kind of romantic relationship.
There was a pattern. And this pattern was a two-way swirl. Not only did things always work out the same, but I could see that the type of guy I was attracting and choosing to put my energy into was basically the same person, but with a different face.
Not only that but reflecting back on my dating history also highlighted how I rode the same emotional rollercoaster with each guy. And how the feelings of uneasiness and anxiety were with me for the entire ride of the relationship, no matter how short or long.
After these “ah-ha” moments it dawned on me that there must be a reason for the similarities. My habit of attracting and choosing to pursue the wrong guys was no accident. And for me to move forward I needed to understand what was really going on so I could change it.
Is it time for your first step?
Have you ever reflected on past dates and relationship experiences? If not I STRONGLY recommend you do!
Why?
It gives you such valuable insight into yourself, and that in itself empowers you to be able to shift things in a different direction. You can begin correcting your course right away, rather than continue stumbling blindly from one relationship or date that didn’t work to another, just hoping for the best.
In no other area of life do I witness people just crossing their fingers and hoping for the best. Your love life is no different to a business, a diet or indeed anything else that isn’t working for you. Things won’t change unless you identify what’s not working, why it’s not working and then take the necessary steps to shift things.
The reasons you keep making the same choices and expecting different results
My curiosity took me down some deep investigative rabbit holes, closely examining the why behind my repeated choices.
And now I want to share with you what I uncovered, the reasons why I kept picking the same guys just with different faces:
My subconscious protection mechanism was on high alert and doing everything in its power to keep me safe from anything unfamiliar. So it would drive me towards the old and familiar over anything else.
I wanted to recreate familiar patterns from the past (think about what you witnessed in love and relationships growing up. Can you see any parallels in your choices in dating & relationships?)
Repeating old and familiar patterns, even if they sabotaged what I wanted, was easier than going outside my comfort zone to choose the different, unfamiliar and uncomfortable thoughts and actions necessary to create new patterns.
There was a deep-rooted fear of intimacy, rejection and abandonment. I realised that by continuing to pick people that weren’t right for me I didn’t have to face these fears.
I wanted to avoid the discomfort of opening up to receive what I really desired. Opening up to receiving what we want involves being vulnerable and often times the fear of intimacy is just too strong. Consciously we say we want it, but there is another stronger part of us that is completely closed to receiving it.
I didn’t value myself or my worth, so I self-abandoned and was emotionally unavailable to myself. Therefore I attracted guys who reflected this right back at me. Because we always attract what we are being, not what we want. I was attracting Mr Emotionally Unavailable because I was being emotionally unavailable to myself.
Once I understood all the factors above, I was able to figure out the steps that needed to be taken. And I took them.
So how do you shift things?
YOU GOTTA GO DEEP! AND YOU HAVE TO TRANSFORM YOURSELF FROM THE INSIDE OUT. LEARN NEW SKILLS AND PRACTICE, SHOWING UP DIFFERENTLY IN YOUR LIFE EVERY DAY.
And this doesn’t happen by accident. It takes intentional action and you need a step-by-step process to follow.
And this is why I created a step by step 4 Phase process to help my clients break out of this unhealthy and destructive dating habit. The 4 Phases are :
PHASE ONE: The Foundation + Clear Vision
PHASE TWO: Letting go of the old
PHASE THREE: True transformation
PHASE FOUR: Dating Tools, Strategies and Action Steps
One of the key things within this framework is understanding your Foundational Love Blueprint (I formerly called this the Inner Love Code).
Your foundational love blueprint is your internal guidance system which influences how attraction, love & relationships work for you. Whether you like them or not, this always shapes the results in your love life.
It dictates how you give & receive love, how you experience relationships, the people you attract and are attracted to, what you are AND are not available for, how you show up in dating & relationships, how you perceive yourself, and what you believe is possible for you in love and life.
If you are not aware of your love blueprint it operates in default mode, shaping your love life and relationships, so you have no understanding of what is going on and therefore no control over it.
The best bit about going through this process
This process of going through the 4 Phases is in-depth, focusing on creating deep personal transformation using a variety of methods and tools, including self-hypnosis, emotional freedom breathwork, EFT tapping and NLP. It transforms the relationship you have with yourself.
And because the relationship with yourself is the foundation of all your other relationships, your dating life is enhanced too, almost as a by-product. Dating becomes less stressful and more enjoyable and YOU ATTRACT AND CHOOSE DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Once I had undergone these shifts and learnt how to work with my Foundational Love Blueprint things shifted for me and I met my partner with whom I am now in a wonderful relationship. And he couldn’t be more different to all the ”wrong uns” I picked in the past!
SO that’s it. That’s the juicy real deal about why we pick the wrong people repeatedly.
If you are ready to ditch the old dating results and have a deep personal transformation BUT you have no idea where to start, DO NOT stress – I got you!
I would love to chat with you about how I can help you through my coaching program. Simply fill
out this call application form so I can understand your unique situation, and whether the program is a good fit for you. If it is we will book a call to chat further.
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Sarah Duff, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Sarah Duff is a life, dating and relationship coach. After years of repeating the same dating and relationship mistakes. By age, 40 Sarah was sick & tired of being unlucky in love. She decided enough was enough and, she began to dig deep into what was behind her struggles. After cracking her inner love code, she attracted her partner and is now in her first healthy relationship at age 43. She has decided to dedicate her work to helping women crack their inner love code. She doesn’t want other women to struggle in their love life as long as she did. She's the owner of the brand Thrive With Duff, and her clients span the globe. In 2022 she launches a new program dedicated to helping women thrive in love at all stages of their life.
