From the Inside – A Jiu Jitsu Coach and Psychotherapist on Power Dynamics in Jiu Jitsu Relationships
- Brainz Magazine
- 21 hours ago
- 9 min read
Updated: 4 hours ago
Dr. Leslie Davis is the heart behind Eva Empowered, a movement dedicated to helping women around the world to break free from the cycle of toxic relationships and reclaim their worth.
Hookups in jiu jitsu gyms are not necessarily unethical. However, when intimate relationships brew within power-imbalanced training environments, they can mirror familiar dynamics of power, control, and dependency, patterns that are well-documented in intimate partner violence. These dynamics are often subtle, normalized, and easily dismissed as “consensual,” particularly within gym cultures that prioritize loyalty and silence.
Why this conversation is uncomfortable but necessary
Periodically, the jiu jitsu community is rocked by public allegations of coaches sexually assaulting their students. As with many forms of intimate partner violence, these stories rarely surface at the first instance of harm. They emerge when patterns have escalated, and victims have reached a breaking point, refusing to remain silent. But why is the jiu jitsu community stuck just talking about this and not taking meaningful action? This article is written from the inside. It draws from my insights as a female purple belt with nine years on the mats, as well as my clinical expertise and work as a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor. I challenge us all to examine how power, intimacy, and silence intersect in jiu jitsu spaces and why our choice to examine these dynamics is essential to creating safer training environments, especially for women.
The gentle art
Jiu Jitsu is known as the gentle art, and for many women, jiu jitsu has been portrayed as a safe space. Many of these women find jiu jitsu after seeking refuge from toxic relationships or experiences with sexual assault. They are met with community and encouraged to “keep showing up,” especially on days when they feel uncomfortable. For victims of assault, this can feel just like the grooming they experienced in relationships. But no one talks about this because it threatens the culture of the jiu jitsu community, the reputations of high-ranking coaches, many of whom have created legacies through martial arts, and it damages the sense of belonging.
Power dynamics in jiu jitsu gyms
Jiu Jitsu is built on hierarchy. From the lowest to the highest-ranking belts, white, blue, purple, brown, black, every practitioner fills a clearly defined place within the system. Rank determines one's authority, access, and influence in the gym. In some jiu jitsu gyms, students are required to bow to their coaches or higher belts or ask permission to train, further reinforcing the formal power structure. Jiu Jitsu coaches hold significant power and authority, as they are in control of promotions, training opportunities, access to competitions, and social position within the gym.
While jiu jitsu is predominantly male-dominated, when women are provided opportunities to coach, they are often positioned as the Women’s Coach, a title that appears empowering yet holds less decision-making power and authority. Over time, students observe that certain athletes (both male and female) become favored, receiving faster promotions, increased attention, or preferred training with higher ranks. In some gyms, there are individuals who position themselves as mentors to new or lower-ranked students, teaching the introductory classes or offering private lessons. When these patterns raise concerns, they are often dismissed or overlooked, not because they aren’t true, but because they are normalized behavior within the culture. Hierarchy is framed as tradition, and one’s discomfort is dismissed as personal insecurity.
When attention becomes influence: Love bombing
Love bombing in jiu jitsu is a common experience for women on the mats. Love bombing is a form of emotional manipulation where a partner provides excessive attention, adoration, affection, gifts, etc., with the intention to gain control and eventually isolate the victim. It feels exciting until it begins to feel like too much, too soon.
Women who are new to the art are often warned by more experienced female practitioners to expect guys to send them private messages after training sessions. The messages are not only sent by same-ranked students but also by higher-ranked coaches, who send messages with subtle flirtation. Women have often reported receiving comments on their performance in class or how their training gear looks. For a woman with low self-esteem who has a history of toxic relationships or one who has been abused, the attention can feel reassuring and spark curiosity. But it’s simply a trap. The compliments turn into suggestions to train together in class or meet for private lessons with promises to make their jiu jitsu better. For new students, particularly lower-ranked females who feel the need to prove themselves worthy of their rank or the desired rank, love bombing can provide affirmation and open the door to victimization.
Why women are disproportionately affected
Women who join jiu jitsu gyms are often brand new to the art. They walk in lacking awareness of the culture and the rules, making them vulnerable to being easily groomed by higher-ranked individuals. These women are also typically younger, under the age of 40, and seek mentorship. As previously mentioned, women in jiu jitsu often share a common experience of trauma. I’ve had many mat chats with women in various gyms who shared their history of being abused or fearing being abused at some point in their lives. Vulnerable women are quickly targeted, not only by individuals within their gyms but also by men who approach them online after they proudly make a post about their jiu jitsu journey. Unknowingly, with her posting, she becomes a target. Women who struggle with attachment wounds may often seek affection and attention, even when it’s toxic, and jiu jitsu gyms become a place where they can attain both.
Raising the standard for leadership in jiu jitsu
Leadership in jiu jitsu carries influences that extend far beyond the mats. Consider the coaches in your life who made a lasting impact on you, not only through their technical instruction but by their words, conduct, and how they carried themselves. This dynamic does not disappear in adult training environments. When coaches dare to consider the weight of their influence and intentionally consider the impact on the women in their gyms, harm reduction becomes possible. The following suggestions are offered, and any policies established should be viewed and approved by legal counsel.
Communicate clear coach-student boundaries
Gyms should establish healthy boundaries through clearly written and consistently communicated policies regarding dating in the gym. These policies should not only address coach-student relationships but also student-student relationships. Too often, when a romantic relationship ends, it is the woman who quietly leaves the jiu jitsu community out of shame or discomfort in a space she once sought out and deemed safe and secure. Policies should be communicated regularly, particularly when new students join the gym. Newcomers should not be expected to walk in the door knowing the gym culture, as each gym has its own culture and expectations.
Make coaching visible
Toxic behaviors often begin subtly and persist behind closed doors. To reduce the risk of misinterpretation or boundary violations, coaching should be conducted publicly and in group settings whenever possible. When private lessons are provided to students, regardless of age, it is recommended to have at least one coach, staff member, or member of gym leadership present on the premises. Coaches should encourage training in environments where both technique and leadership are open for observation. This approach creates accountability, increases transparency, and reduces the risk of blurred roles.
Provide mandatory sexual harassment training to all coaching staff and conduct background checks
Most professionals are required to complete state-mandated sexual harassment training. Yet, this expectation is lacking in the jiu jitsu community, despite a documented history of students being harmed by coaches and other jiu jitsu community members.
A 2020 survey on sexual harassment and assault in jiu jitsu, Shut Up & Train, provides critical insights into the demographics and statistics of individuals within the jiu jitsu community who are affected by sexual harassment. The study indicates that 91% of individuals who reported harassment were women, and 93% of reported sexual harassment was committed by men. Notably, at least 62% of the reported abusers held a higher rank than the harmed individual, highlighting the power imbalance in the art.
As a precaution, at a minimum, a background check should be completed on all coaching staff. Domestic violence experts know that a background check will not tell the whole story, but it can provide insight into an individual’s historical behavioral patterns. It is also important to note that a background check only reveals what has been reported, and oftentimes victims of abuse are reluctant to report their abuse to law enforcement for several reasons, which requires further explanation during formal domestic violence awareness and sexual harassment training.
Provide multiple pathways for reporting concerns
Victims of abuse may not always directly report their concerns if they don’t trust the head coach. When the head coach is the alleged abuser, the incident may go unreported entirely. Individuals who experience sexual abuse, grooming, or any inappropriate intimate behavior must be able to report their concerns without fear of retaliation, which can show up as delayed promotions or being asked to leave the gym. Coaches and gym owners can support a safe environment by designating multiple leaders as points of contact and multiple methods to report concerns. These may include requesting to schedule a meeting with leadership who is not involved in the incident, submitting concerns via email or text, or encouraging reporting concerns in person when immediate support is needed. Coaches and gym owners should not discourage victims from contacting law enforcement and should provide support as needed when legal violations may have occurred.
Create visibility for women in leadership and provide women’s classes
Women often find safety and belonging alongside other women. Many women are more likely to not only start training jiu jitsu but to stay on the mats when they see other women actively and consistently training too. Retention and longevity increase when a female coach is visibly respected by the head coach, other gym leadership, and students. If the goal is to create a safe environment for women, elevate the women who already train in your gym. This includes promoting the women’s class on the school’s website with accurate and up-to-date information about class availability. Share and promote photos of women training in your gym to reflect the strength and security women can experience collectively in jiu jitsu. Additionally, understand that female victims of abuse may be more comfortable reporting abuse or questionable behaviors and receiving adequate support when a woman holds a leadership position in the gym.
Partner with a local domestic violence agency or licensed counselor
Abuse and harassment often go undetected and unaddressed when leaders are not trained to know the signs of abuse. Without this awareness, abuse can be minimized, overlooked, or normalized. Jiu jitsu gyms can be proactive in collaborating with a local domestic violence agency or licensed counselor to provide domestic violence awareness training to coaches, staff, and when appropriate, students. Reducing harm and creating a safe environment is a collective responsibility and should never be placed on the shoulders of the victim to protect themselves.
Pay attention. Don’t minimize. Don’t blame her.
Victims of abuse may have attempted multiple times to express their concerns, only to be met with dismissal or victim-blaming by coaches and other students. When their voices are silenced, changes in behavior often follow. She might start arriving to class late, missing classes, or dodging specific training partners. She might also unexpectedly terminate her membership. These behavioral shifts should never be ignored. Her experience deserves to be heard, not only because her safety matters, but it’s likely that she is not the only victim in the gym. Additionally, it is important to recognize that without a clear understanding of power and control dynamics, victims may not recognize the signs when they are being victimized.
Maintain a standard of accountability
Jiu jitsu leadership must maintain a standard of accountability that applies to everyone in the gym, not only the leadership. Coaches, regardless of gender, should be held to high standards of respect and model appropriate behavior for each other and all students. Students, both male and female, should also be held accountable for their actions. Let’s be real, not all sexual attention in the gym is unwelcome. And yes, there are individuals who seek validation through physical contact and verbal attention received through their training. However, when the attention is unwanted and a clear boundary has been communicated, it must be stopped. If it continues, appropriate and legal action must be taken to protect the vulnerable.
To be clear, victims should not be asked to leave jiu jitsu gyms in order to protect the higher-ranked coach who is popular and admired by the jiu jitsu community. Victims should not be removed because they represent a single membership fee while the abuser enhances or maintains the gym’s financial or public status. Victims should not be dismissed because no one believes her, and leadership claims there’s “no proof” that the abuse occurred. True accountability requires listening to victims, taking the report seriously, and taking action to protect her. Anything less adds to the imbalance of power she has already bravely tried to rebalance.
Let’s stop the toxicity
Intimate relationships within jiu jitsu will happen, but they don’t have to be toxic or harmful. If you are a jiu jitsu gym owner, jiu jitsu coach, or a practitioner navigating or impacted by the power dynamics in your gym, I welcome the opportunity to connect. As a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, I provide mental health awareness training focused on power and control and healthy boundaries. Together, we can reduce harm, challenge the toxic norms in jiu jitsu, and preserve the art as it was intended to be, gentle.
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Dr. Leslie Davis, Clinical Counselor and Relationship Expert
Dr. Leslie Davis is the heart behind Eva Empowered, a movement dedicated to helping women around the world to break free from the cycle of toxic relationships and reclaim their worth.
Dr. D is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and award-winning Relationship Therapist who specializes in guiding high-achieving women and single mothers toward emotional freedom, deep healing, and healthier connections.
