From Self-Judgement to Self-Leadership – A 6-Step Guide to Managing Your Inner Critic
- Brainz Magazine
- 1 day ago
- 8 min read
Updated: 9 hours ago
Written by Lisa Gaines, Leadership Wellbeing Coach
Lisa Gaines is a leadership and welbeing coach, empowering mid-life women leaders to redefine success, break through barriers, and thrive. Drawing on her expertise in neuroscience and emotional intelligence, Lisa supports her clients with navigating change, finding renewed purpose, and creating sustainable growth in both work and life.
That voice in your head isn’t just you being hard on yourself, it’s your Inner Critic! And it can quietly sabotage your confidence, wellbeing and leadership (even when you’re doing well). This 6-step guide will help you recognise when it’s running the show, interrupt the spiral, and lead yourself and your team with more calm, clarity, and courage.
A must for leaders, business owners, and anyone wanting to experience their potential is learning to work with and manage their Inner Critic.
If you are new to the concept, the Inner Critic is an internal voice or narrative that judges and critiques us. It is the opposite of our Inner Champion. And while it can feel harsh, irrational or even cruel, it often has a positive intent. It is trying to keep us safe.
Sometimes, the Inner Critic feels more motivating than positive self-talk because it is closely linked to survival, which, at a primal level, is our main priority as humans.
The problem is, what once helped us stay safe can become the very thing that keeps us small.
The Inner Critic: What it sounds like
Your Inner Critic can range from berating and brutal to mild and subtle. It might show up as a sharp comment in your mind, a quiet sense of dread, or a background narrative that never seems to switch off.
It generally prefers that we don’t take risks or try new things it deems dangerous. It likes to keep the personal status quo as much as possible. It is usually not a fan of change.
It can be particularly hard on you when you experience failure, at work, in business, in relationships, or when things simply are not going your way. It will likely hammer you, call you a loser, and compare you with others who seem more successful, all under the guise of being helpful.
“Thanks, Inner Critic. You’re a pal.”
The severity of our Inner Critic in adulthood can often be traced back to the critical voices of our caregivers when we were children. With my standard Irish Catholic upbringing, I know the territory well. I have had to work extensively with my own Inner Critic over the years.
Moving into new work or business situations can be enough ammunition to trigger it. A career change, stepping into a more senior role, or business growth with greater visibility and risk can all provoke it.
When I started presenting in front of large groups, I had to overcome extreme Inner Critic attacks just to function and perform. Looking back, it’s miraculous I have done what I’ve done in my career when my own critic can be so loud and mean.
And here is the part that matters for leaders. The Inner Critic does not only show up for people who are underperforming. It also targets high performers.
Why high achievers are not immune
Over the years, I have watched my coaching clients grow extraordinary businesses, lead large teams, and step into influential roles. Many have become highly successful, have won awards, and are recognised for the difference they make.
What inspires me even more than their material success is the balance they strike. They care deeply for their business and customers while also caring for their teams, culture, and families. They are good people.
You would think they would live in pride and self-appreciation. And yet, many experience loud, berating inner voices, especially those with perfectionistic tendencies.
The Inner Critic doesn’t discriminate. It can become more than a mindset problem. It can become a well-being issue.
When the Inner Critic pours fuel on the fire
During growth spurts or challenging periods, stress naturally rises. Clients often come to coaching sessions exhausted, wired, struggling with sleep, headaches or some report of panic attacks.
When we unpack what is going on, in addition to the external pressures, what is often driving the distress is the Inner Critic.
Once you become aware of it, you can start to hear what it is saying:
“Who do you think you are?”
“You are going to fail.”
“You can’t do this.”
“You are too much.”
“You are not enough.”
It gets loud when we feel vulnerable, after failure, loss or a confronting interaction.
And when we are in it, we don’t just hear the judgements. We believe them.
At these times, the Inner Critic can be destructive. It can affect mood, reduce functioning, and drain joy from work and life. It can block creativity, stall growth, and become a major contributor to depression.
If your Inner Critic tips into persistent hopelessness, thoughts of self-harm, or anything that feels unsafe, it is important to seek professional mental health support. Coaching is powerful, but it is not a substitute for clinical care when safety is a concern.
The first step: Awareness
The first step to changing your relationship with the Inner Critic is recognising when it is operating.
It can help enormously to have a coach, counsellor or trusted friend who can help you spot it, especially when you are in a vulnerable state, and you don’t recognise it.
When I first became a business coach, I had a voice that told me, for years, “You have no business being a business coach.”
When I finally realised this was a judgement from my Inner Critic, I was able to laugh at it. My clients were achieving remarkable outcomes and attributing their success to our work together.
Even now, a decade later, that same voice still tries its luck. The nerve!
Over time, I have learned many tools to work with the Inner Critic. There is no one-size-fits-all approach. What works for one personality may not work for another. But I can say this with confidence. The inner work is worth it. It brings a level of peace and freedom that can become your new normal.
Below are six steps that have worked for me and for hundreds of clients I have worked with.
Six steps to help quieten your Inner Critic and regain your peace of mind
1. Recognise what is happening in your body
Sometimes the Inner Critic is so subtle we just know we feel “off”.
So, we start with the body. Notice anxiety, shallow breathing, tension in the shoulders, chest or jaw. For me, it shows up in my shoulders and head.
Your body can alert you to something that’s happening in your mind. This awareness also brings you into the present moment, which is a powerful resource when dealing with Inner Critic narratives.
2. Remember to breathe
When you notice shallow breathing, interrupt it. Take a few slow, deep breaths.
In coaching sessions, when clients arrive wired or frantic, I often begin with breathing together. We then continue to check in regularly with how the body feels.
It’s not always comfortable. In fact, it can initially feel uncomfortable to become aware of the stress and tension we’re carrying. This is why keeping busy and feeling manic can almost feel better than pausing to take stock of what is truly going on inside.
I promise you, though: it’s worth the pause.
If you apply these steps and tools well, you can regularly get to a more peaceful, more resourceful place inside yourself. You can enjoy calm instead of the chaos that goes with an intense Inner Critic narrative.
3. Catch the criticism
Once things slow down, you can ask: What is the underlying message?
Often it’s:
• “I’m not good enough.”
• “I don’t have what it takes.”
Sometimes, just by having this awareness, we can drop the criticism right then and there.
Other times, you may need more awareness and insistence before you can get the narrative to stop.
4. Give yourself a reality check
If the judgement is:
“You cannot lead.”
“You should not be doing this.”
“You do not deserve success.”
Let your Inner Champion respond: “Well, I am actually doing it.”
You can consider: “Is there evidence I cannot do this?”
The challenge with this step is that it can become a back-and-forth argument in your own mind, an inner game of tennis.
Have you ever found yourself doing that? Arguing with yourself in your own mind?
So, with that danger in mind, do a quick reality check and then intentionally drop it. You can end the game of tennis by calling it “love-all.”
5. Befriend the beast
After admitting you talk to yourself, you won’t be surprised to learn you can actually talk to the critic.
You can respond to the judgement like you would with a friend or colleague:
“Okay, I hear your concern. Thanks for sharing.”
Then continue on with whatever you have planned to do. On occasions, an advanced Inner Critic will surface at this time and say, “But what if this happens (usually the worst case scenario)?”
If that occurs, you can satisfy the concern by working through the probability of that outcome, considering what you would do if it happened, and/or discussing the situation with a coach, colleague, partner or trusted friend. This is not indulging fear. It is meeting it with steadiness.
6. Slay the beast (when needed)
If it’s a particularly loud Inner Critic attack, you may need to draw on internal strength.
You can respond in a powerful way by telling it to shut up, or if you’re comfortable with stronger language, you can ‘insert expletives here’.
For some, particularly if you feel disconnected from your personal power, or if you are not connected with healthy aggression, this step may be the most challenging. Some reading this may even feel this approach is wrong.
But think of a mother bear protecting her cubs. We have this in us. We can access anger as a resource to protect our authentic self. It’s important to recognise that sometimes we need to protect ourselves against our own destructive thoughts and Inner Critic attacks. Aggression can be a healthy resource when channelled properly.
When we lead from the inside out
Whether you lead a team, an organisation, or a community, learning to manage your Inner Critic isn’t self-indulgent, it’s essential. It shapes how you show up under pressure, how you make decisions, and the tone you set for everyone around you.
I can tell you from experience: it’s worth it. It’s powerful, life-changing work. And it supports you to lead (and live) from a place that’s calmer, clearer, and more truly you.
When you lead yourself with more compassion and clarity, your team feels it, and they rise to meet you there.
If you’d like to explore coaching support around managing and overcoming the Inner Critic, reach out to book a free 30-minute conversation at lisa@lisagaines.co
Read more from Lisa Gaines
Lisa Gaines, Leadership Wellbeing Coach
Lisa Gaines is a leadership and wellbeing coach devoted to helping mid-life women leaders reconnect with themselves, overcome roadblocks or burnout, and thrive. With over 15 years’ experience and drawing on her expertise in neuroscience and emotional intelligence, Lisa supports her clients through meaningful transitions in work and life. Her coaching style is nurturing, insightful, and practical, and empowers clients to overcome their barriers, and step into new chapters with clarity, courage, and balance. Lisa is passionate about supporting women to step up, stand tall, and create sustainable success on their own terms.
