Freedom From the Fairytale – How Childhood Beliefs & Fears Cloud the Decision to Leave Our Marriage
- Brainz Magazine
- Aug 28
- 7 min read
Jennie Sutton is passionate when it comes to Divorce! She is the founder of the online platform, untyingtheknot.me. Here, she offers a one-stop shop for women as an accredited finance, divorce, and domestic abuse coach and in-person court coach, assisting women in rebuilding their lives with confidence.
It’s often in the stillness of the night that fear creeps in. You lie awake, staring at the ceiling, wondering if you can keep going in your marriage. You’ve thought about leaving before, perhaps even hundreds of times, but every time you get close to a decision, something pulls you back. It’s like the apron strings of our past, the fairytales, the nursery rhymes, and that ever-increasing voice in our heads that shouts, “What if you regret it?” or “What will people think?” Then you back down, remain in limbo, and are left exhausted by the indecision one more time.
This isn’t because you can’t decide, it’s because fear is powerful. Fear thrives on the stories we absorbed as children, the fairytales we were fed about love and marriage, and the beliefs we quietly stitched together over a lifetime. It’s a mental tapestry that’s invisible and yet can tie us in knots, keeping us hostage to the narratives of the past. This, in turn, makes leaving feel impossible, even when staying feels unbearable.
This article explores how childhood beliefs, cultural fairytales, and cognitive traps create a fog around decision-making. Yet the antidote to this thinking vortex lies in recognising the messages and understanding the unintentional psychology behind them, which can then shift us forward and bring clarity with more than a spoonful of freedom.
1. The stories we tell ourselves
From an early age, most of us internalise messages about love and relationships. For some, it’s precise, for example, “They lived happily ever after.” For others, it’s through watching our parents model their marriage, perhaps through the lens of sacrifice or conflict. These early impressions take root and shape what we believe a “good” relationship should look and feel like. It’s as if our blueprint for marriage and how we relate has been formalised from a very young age.
The array of attachment theories offers many explanations in this field. If children witness inconsistent emotional security, they often carry those patterns into adulthood. They may find it difficult to leave relationships even when they’re unhealthy. Therefore, the message that echoes is that “relationships are hard work,” and if you leave, “you’ve failed.”
Interestingly, as adults, many of us end up asking ourselves the million-dollar question, “Should I stay, or should I go?” This is then tempered by the contradictory narratives we tell ourselves: “I want freedom” and “I can’t walk away from my marriage.” These internal conflicts feel like heavy anchors that keep us tethered to unstable ground, with breadcrumbs in our relationship often being our only source of comfort.
Recognising these childhood-shaped beliefs for what they are, stories, not facts, can be the first step in loosening fear’s grip on our model of the world.
2. Fairytales of love, marriage, and “happily ever after”
Fairytales don’t end at bedtime. From Disney movies to classic romcoms, we’re taught that love conquers all, that soulmates exist, and that marriage is the ultimate destination. These fairytale scripts become our internalised beacon of expectations. Like a magnet, they draw us to keep looking, keep searching, and when we find The One, all is calm in our worlds.
A study on fairytales and unrealistic romantic ideals encourages people, especially women, to set impossibly high standards in their relationships. Sadly, when reality falls short, instead of questioning the fairytale or the belief they think is true, many of us blame ourselves. “If I just tried harder, maybe I’d get my happy ending.” Then what unfolds is comparison, shame, and guilt.
This narrative makes leaving difficult. Walking away feels like tearing up the societal script that we were fed in our primary years. It can come with the boxing glove of beating yourself up: “I didn’t get my happily ever after.” “It must be my fault.” “I’m not good enough.” Then there is the fear of judgment from others who are still playing the unconscious archetypes of the Princess, the Knight, the Heroine, the Superhero, with the fairer gender being rescued or kissed from their slumber.
The reality of this storytelling is that, often, when we cling to the sides of the tale as a rafter to our relationship, we lose our authenticity. The “happily ever after” isn’t about perfection or being a martyr; it’s about alignment, growth, and choice. Sometimes, the bravest thing we can do is allow ourselves to write a new ending to our own story, which will lead to a new beginning.
3. The mind’s traps and those we fall into
Fear isn’t just emotional, it’s cognitive. Our brains have a built-in negative bias and shortcuts that, while useful for everyday survival in the time of the Flintstones, can lead us to paralysis by analysis when facing life-changing decisions.
It starts with too many options, which then creates overwhelm. I like to call it the Countdown Effect, when you can select any number of vowels and consonants to make up a word. Indeed, in making marriage decisions, the same is true; the options are endless, with “what if” loops patrolling for the pitfalls. “What if I leave and regret it?” “What if I stay and waste more years?” As a result, our brains get stuck. I liken it to looking over a cliff edge into an abyss: the future you can’t predict is ahead, the past you know like the back of your hand is behind you, and so your brain freezes in its response. The leap of faith is just that, faith that “I will have certainty and security in the future.” This is when leaving feels riskier than staying.
It’s interesting that we have 60,000 thoughts a day, most of them on repeat from the day before, and the day before that, and so on. Therefore, we make thousands of decisions daily, from opening and actioning emails to meal planning and cooking. Yet, by the time we confront the big questions like “Should I leave?” our mental resources are drained. There is nothing left in the tank. So we fall into the trap, with many staying even when unhappy.
The word “Divorce” has a loud voice, an uncomfortable tone, and a message of conflict attached to it. The more you try to shove the thought under the carpet, the more of a trip hazard it becomes. Psychologist Daniel Wegner’s ironic process theory found that suppressed thoughts often rebound stronger, which then magnifies the intensity of anxiety. It’s like a coiled spring ready to be released, with our emotions being the consequence.
Recognising these traps, naming them, and perhaps shining a light on them through Divorce Coaching, journalling, and reflection helps us to see that it’s not just us, it’s our brains. Fundamentally, they are wired to keep us safe, with happiness firmly at the back of the queue.
4. Emotional turmoil of no regrets
Perhaps the hardest part of indecision is holding on to two conflicting viewpoints. It’s like an emotional tug of war. These two beliefs are pushing and pulling us, for example, “I want safety” vs. “I want freedom,” or “I love my children” vs. “I can’t live like this.”
To ease this discomfort, we often justify staying by being the martyr and saying to ourselves, “Maybe I haven’t tried enough.” “It’s not that bad.” Or “I’ll just focus on the kids and be the best parent I can be.” This attempt at dialling down the immediate pain of the circumstances only further secures the lid on remaining stuck.
The fear of regret is very real. As humans, we feel grief twice as intensely as we do joy and happiness. This results in us avoiding action, with an increased escalation of fear and remorse. Research on long-term regret shows that people often regret not acting, making choices for fear of imperfection. Yet we only know if the choice is imperfect once it has been taken. This then flips the options, because staying frozen is still a decision, with its own price.
5. Reclaim clarity and putting to bed those fairytales
To get through fog, you need a low beam of light to follow the trail. It’s about focusing on the next steps in a considered and informative way, which will reduce overwhelm. To gather momentum, use your phone. Send yourself voice notes. Express what you’re thinking, what action needs to be taken, and break those down further into stepping stones to manage the overwhelm.
Challenge your negativity bias. Be your own best friend with this one question: “If fear weren’t driving this decision, what would I choose?” This enables you to step into possibility, own your future, and take the rose-tinted glasses off.
Confront your cognitive teams in the tug of war that your mind and body are having. Acknowledge the pulling, and by expressing the tension, “I feel both love and resentment”, you validate both your thoughts and feelings.
Now consider the lies in the beliefs you’ve been carrying from childhood. Where did they come from? Was it childhood conditioning? Fairytales? Societal narratives? It’s time to drop the backpack of the past and unravel the stories that, as a child, you’ve been carrying. Ask your 8-year-old self the meaning, and watch the uncovering of the hidden and unrealistic narratives unfold.
The power of being heard in a trusting relationship brings huge perspective and interrupts those looping thoughts. Sometimes we need another voice to interrupt our thought patterns and remind us that clarity is possible.
The end
Fear can make leaving or staying in a marriage feel impossible. But often, it’s not the reality of the relationship that keeps us stuck. It’s the stories we inherited, the fairytales we absorbed, and the cognitive traps of our own minds. The good news is that those stories can be rewritten. We are adults now, and we have the passage of time as our friend. Beliefs can be questioned, as often they’ve been lies we’ve carried from people of influence in our past. As for fear, use your flashlight of perspective, because once named, it loses its power.
You don’t have to make the decision overnight. You just need to take a step forward. Whether you choose to stay or to leave, your freedom lies not just in the outcome but in the release from the narratives that no longer serve you.
Read more from Jennie Sutton
Jennie Sutton, Accredited Women's Divorce & Court Coach
Having experienced her own 30-year marriage end in divorce, Jennie turned her experience into a mission to support other women. As an accredited divorce and family court coach, she supports women who are faced with the additional challenges of domestic abuse. With twenty years as a coach and firsthand insight, she provides reassurance and guidance every step of the way. To Jennie, untying the knot is about finding the end to make a new beginning.
