Written by: Faith Kayiwa Nababi, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
How do you forgive? How do you stop carrying around all the anger?
I recently chatted with an editor about therapy in general and mentioned that I once had a therapist who continuously said I should forgive my parents. If they had suggested this in one session, I would have perhaps overlooked it. But they continuously broached this topic, and I was left reeling because I felt like my therapist was invalidating my emotions. I dumped the therapist in the middle of a session, and that was that. How dare they tell me to forgive? To some, this may appear like throwing a tantrum. It isn't. Forgiveness is personal. Forgiveness is self-directed. No one has a right to tell you when to forgive.
What is forgiveness?
Everyone has a unique understanding of the meaning of forgiveness. However, it generally involves intentionally letting go of resentment and anger. Forgiving someone who has hurt us can be difficult, and it's natural to experience bitterness, anger, or resentment. However, carrying these negative emotions around can ultimately lead to more pain and suffering in the future and can harm our mental health by causing chronic stress and depression. Forgiving those who have hurt us can benefit our mental and emotional well-being. When we forgive, we release negative emotions and concentrate on positive feelings of compassion and understanding, contributing to a better sense of well-being and happiness, such as reduced stress, improved emotional well-being, and reduced depression and anxiety. It's important to note that forgiveness does not mean ignoring or excusing wrongdoing. It also doesn't necessarily mean reconciling with the offender.
Instead, forgiveness offers a sense of tranquillity that empowers you to focus on yourself and move forward. We hold people to certain expectations just because of who they are to us. And we expect those people to fulfill certain roles according to the labels we have placed on them. If and when they don't meet our acceptable standards, this causes us great hurt.
What are the effects of carrying around the anger?
Forgiveness can be a difficult thing to give, and it can have negative effects on us. Carrying anger and bitterness into new relationships and experiences prevents us from enjoying the present moment. Dwelling on past wrongs can lead to feelings of depression, irritability, or anxiety. It can also cause conflict with our spiritual beliefs and cause us to lose those valuable connections with others.
How do we move towards a state of forgiveness?
1. Forgiveness is a challenging process, especially when the hurt is profound. However, practising forgiveness can bring healing and peace. I encourage you to take the first step towards forgiveness whenever you feel ready. It could be as simple as saying to yourself, "I forgive you." This small act can help you let go of any anger or resentment you may be holding onto. You don't need to tell the other person you forgive them, but it's important to express it to yourself. It's also crucial to forgive yourself for any harm you may have caused, even if it was unintentional. Remember, the pain you feel is genuine, and letting it go whenever you're ready is okay. Instead of dwelling on what has hurt you, allow yourself to appreciate the good in your life. Permit yourself to enjoy all the good in your life instead of focusing solely on what has hurt you. 2. It's understandable to feel hurt when someone has caused us harm. However, it's important to remember that everyone has flaws, including the person who caused the harm. By acknowledging this, we can start to gain a better understanding of the situation and begin to move forward. It's important to note that forgiving someone doesn't mean we're condoning their negative actions. Recognising the hurt, rejection, and cruelty, they may have caused us is okay. Forgiveness is about accepting that what happened can't be undone and finding ways to no longer let it control us. It's a process that takes time and effort, but we take back our power by accepting people for who they are, even when we disagree with their actions. Equally, getting another person to change isn't the point of forgiveness. It's about focusing on what you can control in the here and now. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life by bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to have in your life.
3. Re-write the relationship. It is important to set realistic expectations, even if that means lowering them. This is particularly crucial when dealing with someone who constantly disappoints you.
Often, we hold onto the hope that they will eventually do the right thing and make things better. However, these expectations are our own standards, not theirs. Therefore, adjusting your expectations and understanding of the individual's capabilities is essential because, realistically, the only person you can truly change is yourself.
Setting boundaries to protect yourself and ensure the relationship remains respectful is also essential.
4. It can be beneficial to search for any positive results that have arisen from a difficult situation instead of dwelling on the negative consequences. Changing your viewpoint can help you release negative feelings and start the process of forgiving. For example, expressing gratitude towards individuals who were present and supportive in place of an absent parent can be a step in the right direction.
I eventually forgave my parents. Not both at once and for one, I had to redefine my relationship with them. It was a lengthy and intricate journey to reach a state of forgiveness and discover that forgiving self within myself.
While the memory of the act that caused hurt or offence may remain, practising forgiveness will reduce its hold on you. It will also liberate you from the influence of the person who caused the harm.
Be aware that forgiveness is a process. Even small hurts may need to be revisited and forgiven again and again. The more profound the hurt, the more intricate the process becomes.
A great way to alleviate the weight of expectations is by cultivating a sense of gratitude.
Faith Kayiwa Nababi, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Founder of Tailormade Consultancy, Faith helps leaders navigate through today's increasingly diverse corporate headaches. These include onboarding, retaining talent, intercultural communication, conflict management, building partnerships, and change management.
Faith is passionate about celebrating your employees’ cultural differences and truly empowering your team to do and feel their best at work, no matter what cultural groups they may claim. She has a personal responsibility to make a case for mental health issues in the workplace, specifically for migrants and refugees, by tackling their insecurities and struggles. In most of her work, Faith addresses the complex and multi-faceted aspects of culture within the workplace and its interlinkages with productivity. She references the indisputable fact that multiple cultures or cultural diversity is about more than just race but about all the ways people differ from one another.
She is keen to work with organisations on proactive, multi-dimensional, intersectional, and sustainable ways to address the mental welfare of immigrants and refugees. Understanding why the linkages to care are often broken is a good place to start. Culturally competent, thoughtful initiatives that can rectify social inequities through expanded access to health care, engagement with migrant communities, and formation of support networks.
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