Five Red Flags of Limerence Instead of Real Love
- Brainz Magazine
- Jul 28
- 8 min read
Written by Latasha Nicole Phillips, Life Purpose Coach
SoulFlwr LLC is a sacred service-oriented business with a focus on assisting those who come in contact with personal development progression with a focus on the self.
Have you ever felt that your way of loving people is a bit too much? Has anyone ever expressed this to you or made you feel judged for it? Have you been ghosted or abandoned by someone you were really into? In today's society, there is an assumption that the best love is a lifelong honeymoon phase or a star-crossed one. But here is another thought: What if there is more to love than what we have been told is real? What if there is something that resembles love but is actually an invitation to addiction, heartbreak, and self-sabotage? In this guide, we will explore five red flags of strong interpersonal connections that are actually symptoms of limerence, rather than real love.
The set up
I love a good love story! For me, who doesn’t? Of course, some people don’t (that’s reality), but in the world of a romantic like me, I live for it! That is why I love being a wedding officiant. I love to see people in love!
However, we must be mindful of what real love is and what it is not, because many times the setup (experience) for them can be the same. Only the results differ. Let’s explore an example.
Two people meet for the first time. There is either an instant strong attraction or one that builds over a short period. One of them instantly becomes smitten! They are sure that they have found THE ONE. But there are holes in this “love” story. There can be some type of star-crossed quality or taboo element to the connection that adds fuel to the already raging fire of the smitten one. So far, so good, right? No. There is an obstacle, and it's a big one. The other person is completely unavailable.
Since a relationship involves equal exchange, it would be unwise to pursue an unavailable person. However, this is a common occurrence due to what we have been led to believe is real love. Society teaches us that if it is intense, it must be pursued and not let go.
However, just because we feel an intense emotion doesn't mean that it is healthy. I found this out the hard way. I share more of my experiences in our podcast SoulGarden on YouTube. The discussion is timely and long overdue all at once.
In the context of romantic connections, there is a difference between “falling” in love and being in love. I was fortunate. My past mentors exposed me to this truth in a way that made me begin to question my perception. I pondered deeply about how it was hurting me and what I was receiving from it. This and more inner work led me to my catalyst for becoming aware of my limerence. Now, I am honored to present to you some of my discoveries regarding limerent episodes.
In this article, we present five red flags signifying that limerence is at play instead of real love in your experience. But first, let's define limerence for better clarity.
Limerence defined
In my experience, limerence is a phenomenon that manifested because of my undeveloped perception of what real love looked like for me. It is an addiction that is rooted in our desire for wholeness, validation, acceptance, significance, and belonging. It also has roots in the need to be seen. Most of all, it speaks to our need to be worthy and be chosen.
All of these things are valid human desires and needs. The problem arises when we project these things onto people who cannot fulfill them for one reason or another. My misperceptions about love led me to believe that I could overcome unrequited love with my charm, wit, depth, personality, allure, and intelligence. But I wasn’t telling myself the truth. And the truth was, I was looking for love everywhere but within myself. My limerence only came when I was very unhappy with my life. It was a fantastic distraction that, quite frankly, I loved to indulge in because I really thought it was true love. Sadly, it was just an escape from reality. Limerence is like blowing air into a balloon with a hole in it.
Now, without further ado, let's look into five red flags.
Red flag 1: Extreme attraction to a stranger
This is the kick-off example, the catalyst. It could be someone you met at a function or online. A tsunami of emotions erupts inside you, instantly or over a short period of time. Then, boom! All of a sudden, you can't stop thinking about them. You anticipate every single interaction. Every video call, text, and chat feels amazing! And the emotions you feel are so electric that they overwhelm even our logic. As a result, you pour more energy into the person and the situation, persuaded by your mental and emotional states that this is the beginning of your epic love story or connection (it doesn’t have to be romantic). And so, the limerence saga begins.
This tide of intense and electric reactions to someone we barely know is what Anna Runkle calls "The Glimmer." Anna Runkle is one of the leading-edge experts on the topic of limerence. Her work is what brought awareness and recovery to not only me, but to thousands of others. She has a YouTube channel called The Crappy Childhood Fairy where she goes into great detail about it.
If any of this content resonates with you, Anna Runkle is a great resource. However, if you need more structured assistance, we can coach you through it. We at Soulflwr would love to help!
Red flag 2: You settle for lower significance in their lives
In continuation of the example from the first red flag, if it is a connection with romantic intentions, you befriend them because they are usually unavailable to you in the way that you desire. For instance, they may be married or in some other form of commitment. They may not even be attracted to you romantically.
Or, if it is a friend connection, you settle for giving more to the relationship than the other person, with your time, money, and resources. All of these actions are attempts to show our worthiness and significance in exchange for love, validation, approval, and acceptance. Meanwhile, you don’t notice that you are doing all of the work in this pseudo-relationship because you are so caught up in the blindness of the glimmer.
Red flag 3: Someone is infatuated with you, but you are unavailable
We are reversing the prior example, but the concept is the same. Someone can feel incredibly drawn to you and want something deeper. You sense this, but don’t say anything. Why? Because we like the attention, the doting.
I have had more than one of these experiences as well. I believe that since I am someone who can be limerent, I can also attract other limerents. It is like a mirroring experience.
In one incident, I did indulge. They ended up threatening my life and stalking me. They were consumed with irrational jealousy. I ended things immediately. The stalking continued until they were caught by authorities.
Another incident occurred later, where I did not show any interest in connecting with a limerent. I ended up calling the authorities because they kept stalking me at my job. This individual was a customer where I worked. Unfortunately, instances of limerence usually don't end well. It is too intense and extreme to be a balanced and rational experience.
Red flag 4: Pattern of unrequited relationships
If your past is littered with being incredibly drawn to others, and there is an unbalanced exchange of mental and emotional fulfillment (where you get the short end of the stick), you may be limerent. It is unwise and even dangerous for us not to see things for what they are. This red flag is one of the biggest. Patterns do not lie. They are consistent. So, if you consistently have this experience, this is one of the clearest signs that you are limerent.
Again, we all have the very human need to feel chosen. However, choosing to be connected to someone who’s unavailable, having a secret fantasy relationship with them, and/or isolating yourself because longing for them consumes your daily interactions is a legitimate concern. Self-betrayal, which leads to self-sabotage, will eventually cause us to self-destruct if we lack awareness of being limerent.
Red flag 5: Aggressive/obsessive pursuit of an unavailable person
The intensity that a limerent feels is very capable of being conveyed to the person they are pursuing. This gives off a creepy vibe that can cause the unavailable person to withdraw and/or ghost the limerent.
In my experience, I could feel when they were uncomfortable. That is why I would settle for a less significant role in their lives to earn their love and approval. As you can see, my perception of love had some growing to do. That is because limerence is rooted in past wounding within interpersonal relationships. My roots lie in my difficult childhood.
Since the mental and emotional toil of limerence is relentless, it makes sense that the projection is sensed by the one we seek recognition from. In my case, I knew that I was giving off a creepy vibe, but I couldn’t stop it. I sought indirect ways to prove my love, loyalty, and interest in a long-term relationship. It didn’t work. They either withdrew from me, played mind games, or simply ghosted me.
I can say that none of them rejected my attention and affection. Naively, I took that as a sign to keep pursuing. The truth is, we all like attention, especially when someone makes us feel special. I learned the hard way that showing love, being loyal, and giving away attention, money, resources, etc., in exchange for a relationship is not a healthy way to pursue real love. It is a one-way street to heartbreak or worse.
Conclusion: We are here for you
Limerence is overwhelmingly intense and can be crafty in convincing us that being used and acting ‘creepy’ (or clingy) is our misunderstood love language. The fact of the matter is that it is an issue, and it is rooted in wounds from our past. Again, my root is my childhood. I learned that acts of service, affirmation, gifts, and other love languages were for love, approval, and validation. It took inner work for me to see the light. Only self-love can provide these things. We at Soulflwr can assist you on your journey if these five red flags appear in your life.
In conclusion, this is not about judging anyone. It is about awareness so that we can heal.
We need to be aware of this phenomenon more than ever since we are part of the digital world, where we have access to billions of opportunities for relationships.
We can assist you in not only doing the inner work for limerence but for more. Additional information about this is in our YouTube SoulGarden podcast. Also, if you need someone to guide you on inner work for this topic, please go to our website here and schedule a call or email us here. It is our honor to serve you.
Read more from Latasha Nicole Phillips
Latasha Nicole Phillips, Life Purpose Coach
Latasha Phillips & Shawn Cross are African American female leaders in mastery learning and meditation fields who assist others in personal development and self-improvement endeavours. They have two decades of experience with various tools and resources that they currently use to live lives of inner peace and fulfillment. They created Soulflwr LLC as a sacred service to all who are ready to heal their past and themselves.
