Finding Home Across Borders and How to Thrive in a Life Between Cultures
- Brainz Magazine
- May 7
- 4 min read
Jacqueline Rulander is a coach & trainer. She is the founder of Vetcraft Creative Studios, building self and cultural awareness competence in cross-cultural professionals and teams, and the founder of The Culture Bridge Association, which is committed to fostering healthy interactions between Swedes and 'new Swedes'.
It was the spring of 2022. The pandemic was still lingering, but borders were reopening. I had taken a step back from work to avoid burnout. I had been living in Sweden for more than ten years by this time and had lived outside of my home country for most of my adult life. I left my island home at 18 to attend University on another island. Though I had already traveled abroad, university was the first time that I would travel on my own. During my time at university, I was able to meet and befriend students from my island and students from other Caribbean islands, Asia, North America and Europe. I have always been curious about people from other countries, but had no idea it would lead me to live overseas.
During that pause from work in 2022, I had not expected that I would start to experience intense negative emotions, e.g., anger, grief, and confusion, things I hadn't let myself feel while surviving cross-cultural life. I had been too busy learning Swedish (though still not perfect), learning to understand the culture, building community, and learning to survive the changing seasons and the winter temperatures that froze eyelashes. However, I had not dealt with myself and the increasing mound of emotions I had attempted to suppress.
Surviving not thriving
Often, when one is in a situation, there is little time to process the situation. You focus on surviving. I had survived, but I also absorbed thoughtless comments, ignorance, and feelings of isolation. Although I occasionally set boundaries, I rarely permitted myself to feel what I needed to feel.
In many circumstances, I had not felt comfortable being myself, and as a result, I had held myself back and compromised a little of who I am.
Bitterness or belonging
One random Tuesday, while descending the staircase of self-pity and resentment, I caught myself starting a sentence in my mind with: "Yes, all Swedes are."
I will not write the words used to end that sentence, but they were neither positive nor rooted in truth.
I was starting to draw absolute negative conclusions that would only lead me far down the road toward bitterness, resentment, and disconnection.
Thankfully, because I had spent years learning about Swedish culture, intentionally befriending Swedes (including the one I married), and intentionally working on my personal development, I was able to stop and challenge that thought. "You know that isn't true!" I reminded myself. That moment was pivotal.
Reframing my perspective
It was in that moment of clarity that I understood something powerful. Maybe one reason so many people struggle in cross-cultural contexts is that they do not have enough meaningful experience with "the other." It's easy to accept false conclusions when you have never deeply engaged with a culture or people beyond surface-level encounters.
That realization led me to do two things:
First, I began to look for a way to share stories that uplift cross-cultural connections. This led to the creation of a podcast (in Swedish) sharing real stories from real people.
Second, I created a project to support the podcast via workshops. The project would become the Culture Bridge Association, whose aim is to bridge the gaps between Swedes and new Swedes through telling positive true stories and equipping them through cultural intelligence workshops.
Finding my place
Many people say that when you move to a new country, you should try your best to fit in, learn the language, and respect the culture. Unfortunately, this is practically impossible for an adult. I have realized that even if I never leave Sweden and only speak Swedish for the rest of my life, I will never really 'fit in' here. Besides the obvious differences in appearance, I do not have the mindset of a Swede and can never fully acquire that which is acquired by those who have been raised in this place.
Believing that who you are isn't enough and that you must change who you are to belong, in my opinion, can happen when immigrants feel that they need to 'fit in'. I believe that the notion of having to 'fit in' has caused feelings of instability, discontent, and bitterness in many.
I prefer the idea of 'finding your place', which allows the immigrant to understand that who they are can contribute to the society and that contribution can be valuable. To 'find your place', foreigners still need to learn the language and appreciate the culture and people. Finding your place means that who you are is enough and can belong. According to Maslov's hierarchy of needs, human beings' need for belonging is next in line to be fulfilled once physiological and safety needs have been met.
Finding my place in Sweden has helped me to find myself here and in general.
I still speak Swedish like a foreigner, and I'm still surprised by the darkness of winter, but I love this place and these people and Barbados, and her people, are still deep in my heart.
Finding your place and feeling at home in a foreign country isn't about geography. It is about being comfortable with yourself. It is about knowing who you are, honoring all of who you are, continually learning and growing, even in unfamiliar places.
The way forward
That is why I created Thrive!, which is a multi-level programme to support professionals living and working cross-culturally, whether in Sweden or anywhere in the world, because thriving is possible! Even across borders.
Interested professionals may sign up for the free 5-session Mini Thrive! or contact me to learn more about the other levels of the programme.
Read more from Jacqueline Rulander
Jacqueline Rulander, Personal Development & Cultural Awareness Coach
Jacqueline Rulander is a personal development & cultural awareness coach & trainer. She has lived outside of her Caribbean home for 20+ years and is dedicated to seeing people, especially those living cross-culturally, live out their potential by inspiring, coaching, and training them, leading to significant, healthy growth. She is the founder of The Culture Bridge Association and Vetcraft Creative Studios - a personal development company.
