Written by: Ashlee Rose DiSalvo, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Nowadays there is so much division between people. It seems to be a common conversation to argue with someone about their political views especially. I use the term argue here because the views are so polar that there really is no movement from either side and it is clear that the intent of one or both parties is to create a change in the other. This type of verbal transaction transcends politics and starts to bleed over into general viewpoints on just about anything.
It has become so necessary to be right that we look to “research” to justify our stance finding comfort behind random “facts” as a way to prepare ourselves for whenever these conversations start. As a result, our interactions with other people become a research rollercoaster of throwing meaningless and biased numbers from various news outlets at each other.
I have many ideas as to why this has become a common phenomena – honestly I think people have nothing better to talk about because it’s become a social norm. Small talk about current events spirals into big talk about value systems because of emotional triggering that accompanies the topic. What saddens me about this habit is knowing that our focus on external issues has taken precedence over our internal truths. Perhaps it's because we have forgotten in a way how we feel - it’s easier for someone else to tell us what that is. Or maybe it’s because we actually believe we have lost or can lose control in some way to external forces (like the government and their policies).
Which inspires me to remind you of all the ways you still have control over your life and the things you spend your precious energy talking about with others because that is how most of us connect. And we all have an innate need to connect and feel supported by the people around us - connections make for happy humans. The reality for many of us is that we interact with people from all walks of life and backgrounds that probably don’t or won’t agree with certain views we have. It should not mean that we cannot shift our conversation with them and ultimately ourselves so as to avoid the triggering that happens with the aforementioned way of conversing. The hope is that you might reflect on what conversations are dominating your life and the people around you and how such dialogue is determining who you are and how you show up to the world. Are you feeling or are you knowing?
You have control over you - There is big energy right now around COVID Vaccines with tons of data being thrown back and forth from supporters and critics alike. I am not here to argue for either side but rather to put a focus on the extension conversation this debate creates for this specific point (as one of many examples). Everyone has their right to either choice (this is within your control). Policies that have been made are not within any one person's control and the point is that they have been made. Becoming knowledgeable about what political decisions and restrictions (or lack of) that your choice creates is also within your control. How you process knowing such information is again, your choice. Continuing to choose as you have is also in your control. And so on.
You have control over how you show up for others - Once you have made such a decision (and this could go for anything, not just vaccines) you have a choice on how you show up for others. If we have convinced ourselves that we do not or did not have control over our decision then it can create a lot of heaviness within ourselves. Hurt, anger, disappointment, fear - the list goes on. And so the triggering begins when we are in social settings (for a lot of us this includes social media) to the point where any conversation around that topic can lead to the extension conversations I mentioned at the beginning of my article. The emotion leads the charge and if others we interact with do not share our gusto then we can feel divided and lonely within the conversation. Something so subjective as another person's choice can lead to objective labeling of the other person (or persons) value systems. Humans love to give situational counterpoints and other examples when we are trying to be right and this tends to spiral the conversation into a research rollercoaster of subjective facts from biased sources on either side of the topic. In my opinion, this happens and stems from emotional triggering and then perceived apathy. However, we have the choice and the power at this point (once triggered or perceiving the other person to be triggered) to shift the conversation.
You have control over how you communicate to yourself and others - Some people might call this next step avoidance but I argue that when it is done for the purpose of recognizing another person's feelings that it is the highest form of conversation that we are capable of. The hardest part of this step is recognizing your triggers - it’s always easier to recognize them in others. So instead of responding with facts to justify your stance, how about responding with your truth - which is how you feel. Changing facts for feelings is a game-changer in shifting dialogue. Here are some examples one might use when having that tough vaccine conversation (or any conversation for that matter around choices):
“This whole topic makes me angry. I feel like I have had my power taken away and it scares me. And I see the conversation around this topic is so triggering to others. I might not agree but I respect the choices you’ve made for you and how it makes you feel. Thanks for sharing!”
OR
“This whole topic makes me frustrated. I’ve made the choices I’ve made that are best for me. I respect the choices you have made for you. It makes me sad to see others so triggered by it and to feel so disconnected over it. No one should have to feel _________. Thanks for sharing, I’m here if you need someone to listen.”
For most people, these simple statements or something like them won’t end the conversation but they will shift the approach for you and put the ball in their court on how they respond. Especially during the holiday season, this is huge for families that might need to “bury a hatchet” or do some emotional repair.
The ultimate goal in practicing feeling versus knowing is shifting the conversation with yourself. Too often our inner dialogue is focused on justifying ourselves to ourselves. We are constantly judging ourselves and in turn label ourselves with unfavorable terms. Many people justify why they aren’t in a loving relationship (“I’m not ready to commit”) to later place judgement on themselves (“There must be something wrong with me”). This culminates with labeling themselves or restricting their scope (“Maybe I’m just not meant to be with someone”). There are so many areas of our lives that we do this with from body image to income. We are masters of this self-sabotage dialogue and it’s no wonder when our discourse with other humans follows a pattern of limitation and ultimately disconnection (“They don’t think like me so we just don’t connect”).
We could choose to acknowledge our feelings instead of justifying our “knowing” (“They don’t agree with my point but they are just as passionate about it, we are experiencing the same feelings, and thus we are alike”).
Instead of simply accepting how we feel, moving through those emotions with reflection, and then responding accordingly we have been conditioned to: (1) ignore how we feel which devalues our emotions, (2) beat ourselves up (or others) for feeling them, and (3) repeat the pattern which then justifies the process. It’s no wonder why we feel like we have lost control in our lives when we convince ourselves that we never had it. Society works very hard to convince us that being emotional is synonymous with being out of control. It’s also no surprise why we are so polar in our beliefs and their defense when we are so strict and unforgiving with ourselves.
So I encourage you that when your Aunt gets triggered over climate change, instead of focusing on the “facts” she is presenting and how they diverge from what you’ve read, try to focus on how she feels when she's saying them. Chances are you’re both triggered with the same emotion and that feeling is how you’ll better connect. This will give you good practice in reflecting on how you feel, not what you know.
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Ashlee Rose DiSalvo, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Ashlee is a former NCAA Scholarship Athlete who has worked in High School Education and Athletics for over a decade. She possesses both a Bachelors in Mathematics as well as one in Education and a Masters in Education with a focus in Library Science. She has served as a Founding Director of her own Junior Olympic Volleyball Club with Los Angeles Volleyball Academy and recently started her own business in Spiritual Response Therapy. Her new business, The Clear Estate, specializes in Akashic Record Clearing and Psychic Readings. Within the last year, she has also started DJing Tech House shows as DJ Chakrateeze. She is a graduate of PSI 7 and staffs their Basic Seminars in Orange County.
