Creating a Village: Emerging On The Other Side
Written by: Zaiba Hasan, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Eight weeks after the birth of my son, my husband and I left Chicago and moved to Washington, D.C. Leaving behind all that was familiar, I suddenly found myself navigating new motherhood 1,000 miles away from where I had lived my entire life. It was like going from being a kid myself to being a mom, in one jump.
I attempted to find “mom friends” but we rarely seemed to have much in common, other than being new parents. Also, I was only 24, and it seemed like most of the people around me were starting their parenting journeys a little later in their lives. Some of the moms I met even seemed to treat parenting like a competition, which I hated. I ended up feeling very much alone in my journey as a first-time mom. Without connections with other people who understood what I was going through, people that I could share my struggles with, I didn’t have the support I needed.
Worse, I didn’t think I should need support. I had this vague idea that motherhood was supposed to be this divine, transcendent, awe-inspiring thing. When I didn’t have that experience or immediately feel that joyous connection with motherhood, I thought there must be something wrong with me.
I felt this way even though my own mother and I had never had that traditional mother-daughter bond. She was 19 when she had me. Having lost her mother at an early age, she didn’t quite know what it was to be a mother and in some ways I essentially “raised” myself. I think we both were alone in our journeys as parents. Like her, I had to kind of figure it out on my own.
If we want to stop passing trauma along to the next generation, we have to break the patterns of behavior that keep it going. For me, the turning point was the birth of my second child—a daughter this time. Looking at her for the first time, I realized that the status quo was not enough. I wanted to be a role model for her. I wanted her to be free from having to carry the burdens I inherited. To do that, I knew I had to work on myself.
I started creating a circle of support from the ground up. At first it was for me, to finally access the friendship and solidarity that had been missing. But because of the loneliness I had felt as I started my motherhood journey, I found that I wanted to help as many new moms through that transition as possible. I didn’t want anyone else to have to feel the way I had: alone, ashamed, overworked and alienated. I especially wanted to support other minority and Muslim women.
I am a big believer in the idea, “If it doesn’t exist, create it.” I began studying trauma-based healing and coaching. I started support groups, created opportunities for mothers to share their struggles, and ultimately founded an award-winning podcast.
It is an ongoing process. I don’t believe that I found some magic solution, only a path on which I am guided by my strong belief in friendship and solidarity, and their power to help all of us EMERGE from isolation and support one another as mothers, women, and people.
Visit my website for more info!
Zaiba Hasan, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Zaiba Hasan is an American Muslim who grew up biracial and bicultural. Born and raised in Chicago, Zaiba’s Irish/Pakistani heritage and interfaith upbringing gave her a head start on navigating between identities. It’s therefore, no surprise that she is frequently invited to speak at interfaith events since her background makes her a natural at bridging gaps between Muslims and non-Muslims in the United States. A degree in Political Science and Communication further shaped Zaiba’s outlook on issues like race, immigration and nationalism, as well as her parenting philosophy, which is geared towards raising compassionate, responsible global citizens. When she isn’t busy with podcasting, public speaking, fostering interfaith community, or working on her Masters In Divinity & Spirituality, Interfaith Certification, & Parent Coaching Certification, Zaiba can usually be found on the basketball court or baseball field with her husband and their four children.
