Written by: Dr. Jeni Wahlig, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Most couples report that communication is the biggest problem in their relationship, so they seek help to communicate better. But the truth is, communication is not the real problem, nor is learning better communication skills the best solution. Underneath communication breakdowns are three more important problems, and until you address these, neither communication nor your relationship will improve in the lasting ways you want and deserve.
Communication is not the problem
I’ve been working with couples for over a decade, and what I have found is that most couples identify communication as one of the most pressing problems in their relationship. Many couples’ therapists and coaches would agree and thus place a heavy focus on helping couples to improve their communication. I was there once too in my work with couples until I saw that any improvements we made in session didn’t stick in the long run. Despite a lot of learning and practicing more effective listening and speaking skills, couples were still struggling to make ground during difficult conversations. They’d describe feeling as if they were just spinning their wheels and report that their conversations would just end in another blow-up followed by a shutdown.
Now, I’ll admit—it’s easy to reason that communication is the problem because it is typically during the process of communication that the real problems manifest and wreak havoc on the relationship. Worse yet, most of us rely on verbal communication as the means by which we resolve problems, express needs, attend to differences and disagreements, and experience both connection and repair with one another. So, if communication is the vehicle by which we address problems in our relationship, and the vehicle isn’t working (so to speak), isn’t it fair to say that fixing the problem of communication would be the most important goal for being able to improve the relationship?
Yes, and no. You see, when most people think about “getting better at communicating,” they think about improving their ability to effectively send the message they intend and about developing active listening skills so that their partner can feel more heard. While speaking and listening skills are indeed important, (so much so that we do still teach these in the advanced stages of our couples coaching program), they are not enough to make a real difference in your ability to communicate. The reason? Because not having communication skills is not the problem; not being able to use communication skills is the problem. And there are three main “problems” that not only impact one’s ability to communicate effectively but can also cause other problems in the relationship.
What you really need to work on
1. Nervous system regulation
Your nervous system plays a critical role in how you interact with others. You might have the greatest communication skills in the world, but if your nervous system becomes flooded, you won’t be able to use them. The primary goal of your brain is to keep you alive, and your nervous system is always assessing incoming information for whether it is a threat. This doesn’t always mean a threat to your physical well-being in relationships, although it could. It may also be a threat to your emotional well-being, your sense of self, your hopes and dreams, your expectations, your energy level, your experience of safety and security, or even your faith in the future of the relationship. When something in your relationship—a topic, tone, or even look from your partner—gets identified as a threat, your nervous system is going to activate.
Nervous system activation can feel like anything from mild discomfort (annoyance, irritation, anxiety) to a full-out flood (panic, rage, shut-down). As your distress increases and you near the edge of your window of tolerance, you will become less and less able to tap into your consciousness, impulse control, and all of your communication skills. When you cross the line into emotional flooding, your nervous system has gone into full-on self-protection/survival mode. Your reptilian brain has taken over, you move into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, and effective communication is impossible.
These are exactly the moments during which couples experience communication as the problem, when in fact the problem is that they have lost the ability to regulate their nervous system. If you want to be able to communicate effectively and resolve problems, you must be able to stay within a window of tolerance. This doesn’t mean that a difficult conversation will not continue to be difficult or uncomfortable—it will! There’s just no getting around that sometimes. However, if you can regulate your nervous system enough to keep yourself from becoming flooded, you will be much better equipped to share your thoughts clearly and receive your partner’s response with a more open heart.
2. Healing your inner exiles
Many of the struggles that arise in relationships (including the struggle of an activated nervous system) do so because our partner’s behavior has activated a part of us that carries unhealed injuries and their accompanying fear and/or shame. No doubt, we all have parts of us that have been hurt, abandoned, or neglected in the past, as well as parts that may fear we are not good enough, that others cannot be trusted, or that love will not last. Because these vulnerable parts are so uncomfortable and distressing to experience, we tend to lock them away and put up defenses and self-protective mechanisms so that we do not have to feel them. World-renowned therapist and creator of Internal Family Systems Therapy, Richard Schwartz, calls these parts of us Exiles.
Your exiles have a powerful impact on your ability to experience connection, closeness, and safety with your partner. Carrying the weight and impact of previously unmet needs and hurt caused by people who were supposed to love and care for you, these parts will look to your partner for the love, care, and connection that they so desperately need. However, your partner has their own parts too, and they will inevitably fall short of providing the redemption and healing that your parts so desperately want from them.
It is as if your exiles look to your partner to be the life raft that will save them and keep them afloat throughout the turbulent waters of life. The problem is that not only does that position your partner to be the one underwater, but also that your partner’s exiles want you to be their life raft, too. So, you fight and struggle for who gets to be on top, whose needs get to be met, whose story and feelings get to be heard and honored, or whose desires and expectations get priority. As you can imagine, this arrangement is neither very satisfying nor stable for either partner.
What we then see happen most often is that each partner blames their partner for the problems in the relationship. They try to communicate their hurt and frustration in hopes that their partner will agree, change, or comply. And when that doesn’t work (as often it doesn’t), they might redirect their frustration at themselves—blame themselves as the problem and try to become whomever they need to be in order to appease their partner. Unfortunately, placing blame is never an effective solution, and eventually, one or both partners become exhausted and conclude that their relationship is inherently flawed and no longer worth being in.
The only way out of this unwinnable struggle is to do your own work of attending to and healing the hurts and fears of your inner exiles. In truth, these vulnerable and tender parts of you cannot be healed by anyone else. It is the unconditional love, comfort, and attention that only you can give that your exiles really need. As you begin to heal from within, you release your partner from the burden of having to be your healer. What’s more, you will find a sense of security and stability that is not dependent upon how your partner behaves, thus empowering you to respond to problems more consciously and effectively (and communicate better!)
3. The story you’re telling
Our minds make sense of our lives through stories. Each of your inner exiles has a story about what happened to them and how they feel about your partner. When you are in an argument with your partner, you’re telling yourself a story about your relationship and what it means that this argument is happening. When you’re reflecting on a problem or dissatisfaction in your life, there’s a story there. Your stories develop as a result of what you are paying attention to, the beliefs and associations you hold with related experiences, and the meaning you are giving to what is happening now.
When couples are struggling in their relationship, there is always a story being told about it, and it’s not an empowering one. They are likely to have gotten into negative sentiment override about their partner and/or their relationship and are experiencing themselves as either the victim or the problem. These stories not only color the lens through which they see their partner, their relationship, and their future together, but also become self-fulfilling prophecies.
In our Empowered Accountability work with couples, we help partners to understand the relationship between the stories they are telling and the results they are getting in their relationship. Most people do not realize the way that their story is contributing to the problems that they are having, nor, more importantly, that they can change their story and thus change their experience.
Consider an example: Your partner comes home hours late from work without any communication about it. What story would you tell? If you told the story that it was because they must be having an affair, how would your nervous system be feeling? What exiled parts might be activated? How would you communicate with them when they walked through the door? And how do you think that would go? Probably not great, right!? Even if you had later learned that the lateness was because of an accident on the way home and the lack of communication was because their phone had died, it is possible that the damage would already have been done.
The problem in this example, as you can see, is neither the partner coming home late, their lack of communication about it, nor the communication that happened when they did. The problem originated in 1) the story that was told about the partner’s lateness, 2) the triggering of an exiled part in response, and 3) the emotional dysregulation that occurred and prevented you from being able to communicate with the calm, curious, caring, and connecting energy that would have been ideal. If, in this example, you had become aware of the story you were telling yourself and were then able to shift the story by asking yourself empowering questions, like “If I give my partner the benefit of the doubt, why else might this be happening?” chances are high that the outcome would have been much better.
Learning how to notice and consciously shift the story you are telling when you are feeling upset in your relationship is a key skill with the potential to improve things dramatically ‒ and you don’t even need to communicate!
The power to improve your relationship
What if you knew how to tell a different story about the problems in your relationship, had skills for taking care of your vulnerable exiles when they arise, and were much better able to stay within your window of tolerance even when you were activated? Likely, you’d be much more effective at using the vehicle of communication to resolve problems in your relationship. Better yet, as we’ve seen, you’d also be a lot less likely to have fewer problems in the first place! So, as important as communication certainly is, it’s not where your power lies. Your real power for changing and improving your relationship comes from within—from the work that you do within yourself to grow your window of tolerance and regulate your nervous system, to heal and comfort your inner exiles, and to be aware of and consciously choose the stories you’re telling yourself within your relationship.
Doing this inner work is not easy, and we encourage you to consider finding the support of a therapist or coach to support you along your journey. In our work with couples, attention to these three pillars of inner work is foundational to what we teach and how we support our clients. I invite you to learn more about our work by checking out our website.
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Dr. Jeni Wahlig, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dr. Jeni Wahlig (she/they) is a transformational relationship coach, licensed couple & family therapist, teacher, author, & public speaker. She identifies as graysexual queer, genderqueer-femme, polyamorous, white, able-bodied, & a parent. Self-proclaimed “relationship nerd,” Jeni has dedicated her career to studying relationships & supporting couples, particularly within the Queer & Trans communities. In partnership with her soulmate, Calvin Osili, Jeni offers critically conscious relationship education & coaching through their business, PowerfuLove. Their mission is to empower couples with the knowledge and skills they need to move beyond struggles & consciously create an extraordinary relationship.
