Coercive Control vs Conflict – 7 Patterns Worth Paying Attention to
Written by Brittanni Hendricks, Leadership Coach
Brittanni Hendricks is an ICF-certified leadership coach and mother who helps professionals and parents navigate toxic dynamics so they can thrive at home and work with confidence, peace, and resilience. She is the author of It's My Turn and the founder of the Playful Power Method for coaching through emotional intelligence and positive psychology.
Every relationship experiences conflict. But not every pattern of behavior should be explained away as a communication problem. Coercive control can be difficult to recognize precisely because individual incidents may appear ordinary when viewed separately: jealousy, disagreements about money, frequent check-ins, tension around friends or family, arguments about boundaries, or one person wanting to know where the other is. The deeper question is not simply, “What happened?” It is, “What pattern is this incident part of?” In this article, I explore how coercive control differs from ordinary conflict, what may be happening beneath the surface, and why recognizing patterns of power and control matters.
What is coercive control?
Coercive control is not best understood by looking at one argument or uncomfortable interaction. It involves a pattern of behaviors through which one person increasingly exerts power or control over another person's choices, independence, resources, relationships, or sense of autonomy.
The U.S. Department of Justice defines domestic violence as a pattern of abusive behavior used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Importantly, that definition extends beyond physical violence to emotional, economic, psychological, technological, and other coercive behaviors.
That distinction matters. Someone does not need to have a visible injury for something concerning to be happening.
Research on coercive control has likewise emphasized autonomy, freedom, and entrapment when examining these dynamics. Recent research describes patterns that can include isolation, psychological manipulation, economic abuse, technology-facilitated control, and stalking, among other behaviors.
What is the difference between conflict and coercive control?
Conflict happens when people with different perspectives, expectations, or needs disagree. Healthy relationships are not conflict-free. People can disagree about money. They can become frustrated, misunderstand one another, make mistakes, and need better communication.
The presence of conflict alone does not establish abuse. One of the more useful distinctions is what happens to each person's freedom within the disagreement. Can both people disagree? Can either person say no? Can someone establish a reasonable boundary? Can both people maintain relationships outside the partnership? Can someone make ordinary decisions without anticipating punishment or retaliation? Can one person challenge the other's interpretation of events without becoming afraid of what will happen afterward?
Conflict asks:
“How do we solve this problem?”
Control increasingly communicates:
“What will happen to you if you don't do what I want?”
Why coercive control can look like ordinary conflict
One of the challenges with recognizing coercive control is that outsiders often encounter individual incidents rather than the larger pattern.
Imagine an iceberg. Above the water, someone might see:
“They're having relationship problems.”
“They argue about money.”
“They're both stressed.”
“They have communication issues.”
“One of them is jealous.”
“They're going through a difficult season.”
But beneath the surface, there may be patterns involving monitoring, isolation, financial restriction, intimidation, manipulation, repeated boundary violations, or interference with someone's independence.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline's Power and Control framework similarly emphasizes that abuse can involve subtle and continual behaviors occurring over time, not simply isolated acts.
This is why I frequently use a simple reminder in my advocacy work. Look beyond the incident. Look for the pattern.
7 patterns worth paying attention to
None of the behaviors below should be used by themselves to diagnose a relationship or label another person. Context matters.
Instead, consider whether multiple behaviors form a repeated pattern that increasingly affects another person's autonomy.
1. Isolation becomes progressive
Someone may gradually become less connected to friends, family, coworkers, faith communities, or other sources of support. This may not begin with an explicit demand to end those relationships.
Instead, interactions with other people may repeatedly produce conflict, accusations, guilt, monitoring, or consequences until maintaining those relationships becomes increasingly difficult. Over time, someone's world can become smaller.
2. Monitoring gets presented as concern
Technology has created new ways for people to remain connected. It has also created new opportunities for control. Repeated demands for someone's location, access to communications, monitoring of devices or accounts, or technology used to track another person can become part of a larger coercive pattern.
The DOJ specifically recognizes technological abuse as behavior involving technology that may be used to control, monitor, stalk, threaten, or harass another person. The important question is not simply whether technology is being shared. It is whether someone meaningfully has the freedom to say no.
3. Financial decisions increasingly restrict independence
Financial abuse can be particularly difficult to recognize because couples routinely make financial decisions together. The distinction again comes back to power and autonomy.
The DOJ describes economic abuse as behavior that controls or restrains someone's ability to acquire, use, or maintain economic resources, including restricting access to money, assets, credit, or financial information.
Recent research continues to examine economic abuse as an important component of coercive control trajectories. Someone's financial independence can therefore be an important part of the larger picture.
4. Boundaries repeatedly produce consequences
Pay attention to what happens after someone says no. Does disagreement result in an ordinary conversation? Or does establishing a boundary repeatedly produce intimidation, punishment, excessive pressure, threats, humiliation, monitoring, or another consequence?
Boundaries provide important information because they reveal what happens when one person's wishes differ from the other's.
5. Someone increasingly questions their own judgment
A person experiencing manipulation may begin second-guessing what they remember, how they interpreted an interaction, whether their expectations are reasonable, or whether they are somehow responsible for another person's behavior.
This does not mean every moment of self-doubt indicates abuse. But persistent self-doubt occurring alongside other controlling behaviors deserves attention.
A 2026 review examining the psychological entrapment of partner abuse describes how abusive tactics can foster self-doubt and how people experiencing abuse may reinterpret, minimize, justify, or normalize behavior as they attempt to navigate their circumstances. That is one reason simply asking, “Why didn't she recognize it?” misunderstands how these patterns can operate.
6. Ordinary decisions begin revolving around preventing a reaction
This can be one of the most revealing changes. Someone may begin considering:
Will this start an argument?
Will I be accused of something?
Will I have to explain where I was?
What happens if I disagree?
Is saying no worth the reaction?
Should I just keep this to myself?
Gradually, decision-making can shift from “What do I want?” to “What choice creates the least consequence?” That shift in autonomy deserves attention.
7. The incidents make more sense when viewed together
One disagreement about money may simply be a disagreement about money. One jealous reaction may simply be jealousy. One argument about a friend may simply be an argument.
But when financial restriction, isolation, monitoring, intimidation, and consequences for boundaries begin appearing together, looking at each incident independently can obscure what the pattern is doing.
Research continues to emphasize the importance of understanding coercive control through patterns and broader experiences of freedom and autonomy rather than relying solely on individual behaviors.
Ask what is happening to the person's freedom
When trying to understand a concerning situation, people often ask:
“Is this bad enough to count?”
I believe there is another question worth asking:
“What is happening to this person's freedom?”
Are they becoming more independent or less?
More connected or more isolated?
More confident in their judgment or increasingly unsure of themselves?
More able to make ordinary decisions or more concerned about another person's reaction?
More financially independent or less able to access resources?
More comfortable establishing boundaries or increasingly afraid of the consequences?
These questions shift our attention away from trying to judge one incident and toward understanding the cumulative effect of the pattern.
What should you do if someone tells you something isn't right?
You do not have to diagnose their relationship. You do not have to investigate, and you do not have to become their therapist, attorney, or domestic violence professional. You can listen without immediately minimizing what they describe. You can resist pressuring them into a particular decision. You can pay attention to patterns. You can recognize when the situation requires support beyond your expertise. That thinking has become the foundation of a framework I use in my advocacy and educational work: Recognize. Respond. Refer. Recognize when something may be more than ordinary conflict. Respond without judgment and without creating additional harm. Refer when someone's needs require qualified domestic violence, legal, mental health, emergency, or other specialized resources.
Why this conversation matters to me
I spent much of my career studying leadership, organizational effectiveness, talent, and human behavior.
My professional work has always involved questions about power:
Who gets heard?
Who gets trusted?
Who has influence?
Who makes decisions?
Who gets opportunities?
My lived experience eventually forced me to examine another dimension of power: what happens when it is used in ways that diminish another person's agency.
I never planned for coercive control education to become part of my work. But I have learned that being educated, successful, resourceful, or professionally accomplished does not automatically make someone immune to manipulation or unhealthy power dynamics.
Sometimes capability simply makes it possible to keep functioning while privately trying to understand what is happening.
That realization is one reason I believe we need more nuanced conversations about what abuse can look like beneath the surface.
Look beyond the incident
Awareness should not turn us into amateur investigators. It should make us better listeners, better observers, better leaders, better friends, better community members.
We do not need to label every difficult relationship as abusive. We also should not automatically explain every concerning pattern as ordinary conflict. Sometimes the most important thing we can do is stop examining each incident independently and become curious about the pattern underneath it.
Look beyond the incident. Look for the pattern. If you want to learn more about my work around coercive control education, safer communities, support for professional women, and my Recognize – Respond – Refer framework, visit my Advocacy, Education & Safer Communities page.
For organizations, churches, women's groups, and community leaders interested in bringing this conversation to their community, I also offer in-person and virtual educational sessions and facilitated conversations.
Read more from Brittanni Hendricks
Brittanni Hendricks, Leadership Coach
Brittanni Hendricks is a certified leadership coach and playful professional who helps parents and mission-driven leaders lead with emotional intelligence, confidence, and clarity while navigating toxic patterns at home and work. She is the author of It's My Turn and the founder of the Playful Power Method for coaching through emotional intelligence and positive psychology. With 15+ years of leadership experience, she offers coaching, facilitation, and speaking rooted in emotional intelligence and positive psychology.
