Bittersweet, How Much You Can Hold in Your Heart?
Updated: Jun 23
Written by Lisa Gaines, Leadership Wellbeing Coach
Lisa Gaines is a leadership and welbeing coach, empowering mid-life women leaders to redefine success, break through barriers, and thrive. Drawing on her expertise in neuroscience and emotional intelligence, Lisa supports her clients with navigating change, finding renewed purpose, and creating sustainable growth in both work and life.
I feel so blessed and also heartbroken. How is it possible? This isn’t the first time I’ve written about bittersweet. A few years ago, I read a book that touched me deeply, Bittersweet by Susan Cain. I enjoyed it so much I was inspired to write about it here. This time, I’m writing from direct experience.
This past year, I’ve experienced a perfect storm of some really tragic things happening in my life and some really exciting things happening in parallel. Combined with being a woman in midlife, it’s been a lot to hold.
My partner and I moved from our home of the last decade in Canberra to the NSW Far South Coast. We had been dreaming of this move for some time, and we eventually found the house, the one. Lakeside, not far from beautiful beaches, walks, lovely towns and communities.
A peaceful place where natural beauty and bird life abound, kangaroos bound, and sugar glider possums pitter patter on our roof. Have I painted the picture?
It’s a dream come true. We are absolutely loving it and have been in a pinch me phase of life ever since. But it has not been without heavy clouds of grief.
The week we moved last November, a dear friend was coming to the end of his battle with cancer. He died the day before our removal truck turned up at 7 AM the next morning. It was heartbreaking.
Then in December, I flew to Ireland to help my Dad get settled in his new retirement home and to spend Christmas with him. He had made it through a big operation in September and was doing relatively well. After two weeks of spending precious time with him every day, he unexpectedly had a heart attack in the early hours of the morning, a week before Christmas. By the end of the day, he was gone. Heartbreaking and oh so bittersweet.
This isn’t the first time I’ve found myself holding grief and joy in the same hands. Not long after my Mum passed away nine years ago, my partner and I got together. It was another dream come true, and I found it confusing to be feeling so much joy and sadness in parallel, but I was buoyed knowing how much my Mum wanted me to be happy.
Bittersweet isn’t new territory for me, and I’m learning it doesn’t get less complex with practice. It seems to ask, “How much can you hold in your heart now?”
Since all of this has happened over the past year, I’ve been finding it harder to maintain my normal level of productivity. In fact, I’ve had to reduce the amount of work I would normally do to maintain my professional standards. Another challenge has been extreme writer’s block, which, as you can tell, I’m getting over.
I want to remind anyone going through their own perfect storm, it’s okay to do what you need to do to get through. If, like me, you’re only 60 to 70% as productive as you were before, then that’s how it needs to be right now.
I still have a fire in my belly for my work. My passion hasn’t gone away. It’s just a bit quieter, and I’ve had to stop putting so much pressure on myself. I’m also holding myself with much more compassion.
What I’m learning is it’s okay to make time and space for grief. It’s okay to be vulnerable in moments. It doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate and enjoy life, and contribute meaningfully to the people you love and the work you do.
You just need to pace yourself so you don’t override the needs of your grief. You can press pause on your goals and ambitions and get back to your plans in time. Grief can teach us so much, including patience.
What I’m also learning is that the capacity to hold complexity in ourselves is the same capacity that lets us hold it for our colleagues and team members.
Leaders who can sit with their own bittersweet tend to be the ones who can sit with their people through theirs. If we make room for the bittersweet and give ourselves grace and space, in time, we can move forward, not by leaving the grief behind, but by carrying it alongside the joy.
"Being human is bittersweet and paradoxical and beautiful, and it’s okay to hold it all."
Read more from Lisa Gaines
Lisa Gaines, Leadership Wellbeing Coach
Lisa Gaines is a leadership and wellbeing coach devoted to helping mid-life women leaders reconnect with themselves, overcome roadblocks or burnout, and thrive. With over 15 years of experience and drawing on her expertise in neuroscience and emotional intelligence, Lisa supports her clients through meaningful transitions in work and life. Her coaching style is nurturing, insightful, and practical, and empowers clients to overcome their barriers and step into new chapters with clarity, courage, and balance. Lisa is passionate about supporting women to step up, stand tall, and create sustainable success on their own terms.
