Beyond FGM and What Not to Say to Survivors, and What They Need to Hear Instead
Written by Howaida Abdalla, Life Coach
Howaida Abdalla is a survivor of Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) and a life coach who has experience when it comes to the trauma that a survivor goes through and the journey it takes to heal. She helps women to reconnect and love themselves again. She is the founder of The Growth Hub Coaching and Women Empowerment edition: Impact for Change Podcast.
Sometimes, the deepest wounds are not only caused by what happened to us, but also by how people respond when we finally find the courage to speak about it. For survivors of female genital mutilation (FGM), speaking about their experiences can be incredibly difficult. It may take years to find the words, the courage and a safe space to share something so personal. When a survivor finally opens up, the response they receive can make a profound difference.
A compassionate response can help someone feel seen, believed and supported. A careless comment, even one made with good intentions, can reinforce shame, deepen isolation and make a survivor regret speaking at all.
We must understand that FGM is not simply a difficult subject to discuss. For many survivors, it is a deeply personal experience that can affect their relationship with their bodies, their identity, their emotional wellbeing and their sense of control.
If we want to support survivors, we must learn not only what to say, but also what not to say.
1. “Why didn't you speak up earlier?”
This question may seem like a reasonable attempt to understand, but it can sound like blame.
Many survivors experience FGM during childhood, when they may not understand what is happening or have the power to challenge the adults around them. Others may remain silent for years because of fear, shame, cultural expectations, family relationships or uncertainty about whether anyone will believe them.
Speaking about trauma is not always straightforward. Silence does not mean that the experience was insignificant, and delayed disclosure does not make a survivor's experience less valid.
What to say instead, Thank you for trusting me with your story. You can share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.”
Give survivors the freedom to speak in their own time, without making them defend their silence.
2. “But it's part of your culture.”
Culture should never be used to dismiss someone's pain.
FGM is a complex and sensitive issue, and communities are not all the same. Many individuals and community leaders actively work to end the practice. Describing FGM as simply a cultural tradition can minimise its impact and make survivors feel that their suffering is being excused.
Respecting cultural diversity does not mean overlooking harm. We can approach conversations with cultural sensitivity while firmly upholding the dignity, safety and rights of women and girls.
What to say instead, “I want to understand your experience without making assumptions about you or your community.”
Listen to the individual. Do not expect them to represent an entire culture or explain the beliefs and decisions of others.
3. “At least it happened when you were young.”
This statement can unintentionally suggest that an experience is less painful because it happened during childhood.
But childhood experiences can have lasting effects. Some survivors may struggle with feelings they cannot fully understand until adulthood. Others may only begin processing what happened when they feel safe enough to reflect on it.
There is no deadline for trauma to matter, and no age at which someone's pain becomes insignificant.
What to say instead, “What happened to you matters, and you deserve support with whatever you are feeling now.”
Do not measure someone's pain against the passage of time.
4. “You need to move on.”
Healing is not a switch that can be turned on or off. It is a personal process that looks different for every survivor.
Telling someone to move on may communicate that their emotions are inconvenient, that they have been struggling for too long or that they should be further along in their healing journey.
Some survivors may feel ready to speak openly, while others may need privacy. Some may seek professional support, while others may find comfort in trusted relationships, creative expression or community connections.
Moving forward does not mean forgetting, pretending or forcing yourself to feel better.
What to say instead, “You do not have to rush your healing. I am here to support you in whatever way feels right for you.”
Healing needs patience, not pressure.
5. “Are you sure it was that bad?”
Questioning a survivor's experience can make them feel that they must prove their suffering before they deserve compassion.
FGM takes different forms, and survivors' experiences and consequences vary. Not every survivor will experience the same physical difficulties or emotional responses. The absence of visible injuries or obvious distress does not mean that an experience was harmless.
No survivor should have to provide graphic details or demonstrate their pain to receive respect and support.
What to say instead, “I believe you, and I am sorry you have had to carry this.”
You do not need to understand every detail of someone's experience to respond with kindness.
6. “You should be grateful your family did what they thought was best.”
This statement can place an unfair emotional burden on survivors, particularly those who have complicated feelings about family members or the circumstances surrounding their FGM.
A survivor may love their family and still feel hurt, angry, confused or betrayed. They may struggle to reconcile their relationships with the impact of what happened to them.
These feelings can exist together. Survivors should not be pressured to defend their families, forgive anyone or choose between acknowledging their pain and maintaining relationships.
What to say instead, “You are allowed to have your own feelings about what happened. You do not have to justify them to me.”
Support means allowing space for complicated emotions without imposing your own conclusions.
7. “You look fine. You don't seem traumatised.”
Trauma does not look the same in everyone.
Some survivors may speak openly about their experiences, while others may avoid the subject. Some may appear confident and composed while privately struggling with difficult emotions. Others may not identify with the word trauma at all.
We cannot determine someone's internal experience from their appearance, personality or ability to function in everyday life. Assuming someone is fine because they appear fine can make it harder for them to ask for help.
What to say instead, “How are you really feeling, and is there anything you need from me?” Ask with care, listen to the answer and respect it.
8. “Tell me exactly what happened.”
Curiosity is not a reason to ask a survivor for intimate or distressing details.
FGM involves deeply personal experiences, and survivors have the right to privacy. Asking intrusive questions, particularly without permission, can make someone feel exposed, powerless or reduced to their trauma.
If you are a friend, colleague or community member, you are not entitled to hear every detail simply because someone has disclosed their experience.
Professionals may sometimes need to ask sensitive questions to provide appropriate care or fulfil safeguarding responsibilities. Even then, questions should be relevant, respectfully phrased and explained wherever possible.
What to say instead, “You do not have to tell me anything you are not comfortable sharing. What would help you feel supported right now?”
Remember that trust is built by respecting boundaries, not testing them.
9. “You are so strong. You can handle anything.”
Calling a survivor strong can be affirming, but it can also create pressure to remain strong all the time.
Survivors are often praised for overcoming adversity, yet this praise can unintentionally leave little room for exhaustion, vulnerability or asking for help.
They should not have to be inspirational to deserve support. They should not have to transform their pain into advocacy, share their stories publicly or prove that they have overcome their experiences.
Survivors are allowed to have difficult days. They are allowed to need help. They are allowed to be human.
What to say instead, “You do not have to be strong every day. You deserve support, even when things feel difficult.”
Recognise resilience without making it another expectation.
10. “Why are you still talking about it?”
This may be one of the most painful things a survivor can hear.
Speaking about FGM can be part of raising awareness, finding connection, seeking justice or making sense of a personal experience. For others, talking may not be helpful at all. Both choices deserve respect.
When survivors choose to speak, they may be challenging stigma that has kept the subject hidden for generations. Their voices can help professionals improve services, communities question harmful practices and future generations access better protection.
We should not demand silence from survivors simply because their experiences make us uncomfortable.
What to say instead, “Your voice matters. I respect your decision to share your experience, and I will listen without judgement.”
If a survivor chooses not to speak, respect that decision too.
What survivors need most: Compassion without conditions
We do not need perfect words to support survivors. We need the willingness to listen, learn and recognise when our assumptions may cause harm.
Before responding to a disclosure, pause and ask yourself:
Am I listening to understand, or am I asking questions to satisfy my curiosity?
Am I respecting this person's boundaries?
Am I allowing them to define their own experience?
Am I offering support without telling them how they should feel?
Am I making space for their choices, even when they differ from what I would choose?
These questions can help us move from good intentions towards meaningful support.
Healthcare professionals, counsellors, teachers, social workers and community leaders also have a responsibility to ensure that their language does not reinforce stigma. Appropriate training, trauma-informed practice and clear referral pathways can help survivors access support without feeling judged, exposed or dismissed.
Friends, families and allies can make a difference by challenging harmful comments, learning about FGM and creating environments where survivors can speak safely, or choose not to speak at all.
Above everything, we must remember that each survivor is an individual. There is no single story, no universal response and no one-size-fits-all healing journey.
Beyond FGM: Let us change the conversation
As the author of Beyond FGM, I believe that moving beyond FGM means more than raising awareness of the practice itself. It means changing how we listen to survivors, how we speak about their experiences and how we support them in reclaiming their voices, choices and identities.
A survivor is not a tragedy to be discussed, a story to be questioned or a problem to be solved. She is a human being who deserves dignity, understanding and the freedom to define her own future.
Our words can either close doors or open them. They can reinforce shame or offer reassurance. They can make someone feel alone or remind them that they do not have to face everything by themselves.
We may not be able to change what happened in someone's past, but we can change how we respond when they trust us with their story.
Let us stop asking survivors to justify their pain. Let us stop placing expectations on their healing. Let us stop confusing silence with strength. Instead, let us listen with compassion, respond without judgement and support without conditions.
Because sometimes, the most powerful thing we can say to a survivor is simply this, “I believe you. Your experience matters. You are not to blame. You deserve support, and you have the right to decide what healing looks like for you.”
That is how we begin to move beyond FGM, not by speaking over survivors, but by creating a world where they are finally safe to be heard. Beyond FGM. Beyond shame. Beyond silence. Towards dignity, healing and hope.
Read more from Howaida Abdalla
Howaida Abdalla, Life Coach
Howaida Abdalla is a life coach who helps women (survivors) of Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) to reconnect & love themselves again. She was seven years old when the FGM procedure was done on her, which left her lost and disconnected not only from people, but also from herself. She has since dedicated her life to helping other survivors reconnect and love themselves. She is a founder of "The Growth Hub Coaching," where she helps & coaches survivors. Her mission is to help, inspire, and empower.
