Are You Being Contrary – Four Ways We Create Mixed Messages And Inner Conflict
Updated: Sep 5, 2023
Written by: Mindy Schrager, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Sometimes in life, we see things that seem to be contradictory. I noticed this recently when driving by a wellness center that included treatment for addiction – two doors down from a liquor store.
Contradictions can provide a mixed message to others and a sense of conflict or confusion within ourselves. At times, those contradictions are hidden (subconscious) to us, but when we make them visible (conscious), we can create a change that results in a clearer message in our outer world and reduces turmoil in our inner world.
Here are four areas in which those contradictions might appear:
Judging another for what you do – I find it interesting when someone judges the behavior of another, and then repeats the exact behavior of the person they were judging. Recently, I heard a person complain about individuals being noisy in a hotel hallway, yet opted to talk outside people’s doors while they were walking down a hallway. I see it with people’s schedules. For instance, telling a person they are overscheduled while having a fully booked calendar themselves, or being surprised when someone won’t accommodate a person’s availability while making no effort to change their own schedule. Think of times that you judged an action or inaction of another, then did the same thing.
Sabotaging Goals – Consider if you have a habit of setting a goal and then knowingly or unknowingly sabotaging your outcome. Examples might include – setting a goal to eat healthy then stopping at an ice cream shop, saying you want to save money but giving into the “have to have it now” temptation, or establishing an action plan, and then distracting yourself with TV or social media. When you sabotage a goal, it is helpful to look at what you are most committed to accomplishing. Maybe you are more committed to “not being good enough” based on an old belief or pattern than you are to the goal you identified. What are parts of your life where you set a goal and then found overt and covert ways to prevent yourself from achieving it?
Devaluing Behaviors – A common contradictory behavior is adults acting like children. We create programs in schools to keep children from bullying, then forget about the adults who never outgrew this behavior and become toxic bosses, abusing spouses, and name-callers. We see individuals who talk about the importance of freedom, then require that everyone else follow their rules and way of life. There are individuals who talk about the value of life but think violence is justified to get their way. What are ways in which your behavior towards yourself or others contradicts your stated values?
Conscious and Subconscious Choices – In some instances, we choose to do something that appears contradictory. At times, those choices are conscious, but there are other occasions when we are unaware of why we made a choice. Examples I’ve witnessed include – someone with a narcissistic parent unknowingly choosing to become an empath, taking extra care with keeping confidences after someone broke a trust and shared a secret, or choosing to be like one parent more than another. In systemic constellations, after bringing an ineffective pattern to conscious awareness, we step forward and choose to do something differently to create a new pathway. What choices have you made either consciously or unconsciously to take a different path?
Consider if your contradictory behavior is conscious or subconscious and if it is generating positive outcomes or mixed messages and inner turmoil. If the latter, discover how to consciously shift your choices, commitments, judgments, and behaviors to create more clarity and inner alignment through the power of transformational work, including options offered through Systems of Change, LLC.
My book “Pathways, Puzzles, and Possibilities: A Magical Journey of Transformation” further highlights this behavior in the chapter entitled “The Story of Contrarians”.
© 2023, Systems of Change, LLC
Mindy Schrager, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Mindy Schrager is an ICF PCC credentialed coach, Systemic Facilitator, Aura-Soma practitioner and founder of Systems of Change, LLC. Mindy’s focus on and passion for transformational work is built on years of experience creating strong, well-balanced teams, combined with a powerful personal discovery journey. Her experience and training have been focused on creating positive change in life and business experiences working with individuals and groups. Mindy loves to shine a light on hidden patterns and the root cause of dysfunction and then help create new pathways to growth.
