Are You A Fixer?

Written by: Jordan White, Executive Contributor

Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.

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Are you a fixer? Most of us (me included) have probably noticed something in ourselves, another person, system, workplace, etc., and have tried to "fix" that thing we've observed.

While "fixing" may come from a place of good intention, it may be worth taking a step back and considering this approach's results.

Those who fixate on fixing have traits of compassion, helpfulness, kindness, and a desire to create the best outcome. There's also likely a need to be needed, which usually originates from past experiences of needing help and not receiving it, feeling abandoned, or feeling inadequate.

Stepping in and fixing things when it is uninvited can have unintended consequences. Those consequences include crossing boundaries, limiting the human experience (sometimes pain can be our most valuable teacher), coming off as righteous and all-knowing or a "control freak," and taking responsibility and carrying the weight of something that isn't ours.

It can also diminish trust because a "fixer" typically looks through the lens created by their own experiences, no matter how relatable the topic may be. It can be tempting to think that our truth is the only one that exists.

So, how do we fix being a fixer?

The title of this blog begs the question, "Is there such a thing?"

A powerful first step in adjusting this behavior is looking within. Is there a gap in your life that you are trying to fill by fixing others and their challenges?

Is there an unhealed wound in you that you look for and notice in others? Understanding yourself on an intimate level and ensuring your needs are met as a priority is the fuel to have energy for others.

You might even ask someone you trust (with an open mind and heart), "Do I come off as a fixer?" "What's that like for you?" It may or may not be harsh feedback at first, but it can lead to a closeness you never thought was possible if you are open to it.

Another idea is to consider the language around this concept. There's a big difference between a fixer and a healer.

Consider the connection, love, and trust that might generate by, as a fixer, shifting to a healer instead.

Fixer: "Wait, what happened?!?! We need to fix this. Here's what you need to do!"

Healer: "Wow, that sounds like a difficult thing you are experiencing. How are you doing with this?"

Fixer: "Don't cry. You are better than this. They aren't worth it."

Healer: "I am here for you through this and always. What do you need?"

Fixer: "You just need to be more outgoing and funnier – then you'll find someone."

Healer: "I love your calm demeanor. You're peaceful to be around. Thank you for being you."

Lastly, experiment with the idea of letting things go. There is rewarding peacefulness in going with the flow. We would all likely agree that there's a big difference between forcing and flowing.

You cannot control others or their emotions. You can, however, influence and empower them by being compassionately curious and present.

If you lead with curiosity, you might create a space for others to self-identify and find clarity in what they really want and need in their life. What a gift!

Giving others permission to feel and fully experience the good, the bad, and the ugly is a choice we all have.

Are there things in others that you are focused on fixing? Something in their life that you are trying to fix for them? What insight into yourself and your life does that reveal? What tension might that be inviting?

One of my primary purposes as a coach is to create a healing environment. I am here if you or someone you know could use some support.

Follow me on LinkedIn, Instagram, and visit my website for more info!

Read more from Jordan!

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Jordan White, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine

Jordan White is an avowed introvert, experienced leader, and (self) leadership coach. He helps millennial leaders and difference-makers maximize their self-awareness, effectiveness, influence, and value to overcome the stresses of life, love, and leadership. He supports clients in discovering the alignment between their natural assets and how they lead themselves and others. He is recognized by many for his ability to build trust, provide compassionate listening, and create a safe space that inspires hope and growth. As a wisdom-seeker and lifelong learner, he's an avid reader and has a Master's in Communication and Leadership. He is Coach U (ICF accredited) trained and certified in Axiogenics®, MBTI®, and EQ.