A 3-Step Checklist to Help You With Boundaries
- 2 days ago
- 4 min read
Updated: 24 hours ago
Noreen Chadha is a transformational coach in the field of leadership and conscious parenting. Drawing from her knowledge of mindfulness techniques and fundamental neuroscience, she supports clients all over the world in their quest to move towards a more self-aware, present, and connected way of living, leading, and parenting.
To me, one of the hardest parts of parenting is the contrast between being patient, positive, and supportive (and all the other things we are expected to be these days) and sometimes being “the bad guy.” You know those moments when, despite the kicking and the screaming, you need to say no to something, ask them to stop doing something, or (the worst one in my opinion) ask them to do something they don’t want to do.
Many of us find boundary-setting hard with other adults because we are afraid of conflict, damaging a friendship, not being liked, etc. So, how do we set boundaries with children when we know the other end might involve an epic tantrum? How do we know when to maintain a boundary and when to say, “Okay, never mind!”?
The need for boundaries is rooted in neuroscience
Safety
Our children desperately need them because their brains need them. As little people living in a big world, their environment is often new, overwhelming, and sometimes even scary. “Rules” make them feel safe because they give them a sense of certainty and consistency.
Skill building
It helps their brain learn crucial skills. Doing something we don’t want to do (or stopping something we love) is a skill we need to learn. For anyone under the age of 25, that skill needs to be practiced over and over again for it to solidify. This is because, until roughly the age of 25, the prefrontal cortex (the rational part of the brain) is still developing. This also means that rational things that are obvious to us are simply not that obvious to them. Furthermore, if we don’t set boundaries clearly, they won’t learn to set them either. If we want to teach them how to communicate their needs clearly and respectfully, we need to model it for them.
We might not need as many boundaries as we think
Sometimes, we use boundaries as a way of feeling in control, but they actually don’t serve a real purpose. It doesn’t matter what age your children are; there will always be discrepancies between your desires and many moments when you simply don’t see eye to eye. As parents, we think we know better because we are older and more experienced, and in many cases, that might be true. Yet, sometimes that way of thinking doesn’t serve us, and we need a change of strategy. So, the next time you find yourself in a conflict around boundaries, try using this checklist:
1. Test your boundary
Is this a boundary that makes sense to them? (Do they understand the why behind it?)
Is it a boundary that concerns their safety, essential hygiene, or something else crucial in their lives? (For example, is this about taking medicine when they are sick, washing their hands after going to the bathroom, wearing a helmet when riding a bike, stopping at a red light, attending school etc.)
Is it a boundary that is non-negotiable for you?
2. If you answered yes to all the questions above:
Does your child maybe need help with this boundary? (I used to fight with my son over washing his hands, until one day he told me that he really dislikes the smell of our soap.)
Could you give them some sense of control? What are you willing to negotiate on? (Bed time, dinner, curfew etc.)
3. If you didn’t answer yes to all the questions above:
What is your need behind this boundary?
Is this about your child, or is it about you?
What would it be like to let it go?
How to ease the pressure on yourself
Sometimes, when our children don’t listen to us or don’t respect our boundaries, we feel we have failed as parents. We feel they don’t love us or that we haven’t raised “good” kids. This can make boundary-setting even harder as it adds a lot of pressure. A simple reminder that it is healthy for them to resist, healthy for them to fight for their own autonomy, and developmentally appropriate that they don’t “do what we say” can help. In addition, knowing that the rational part of their brain isn’t fully developed until the age of 25, just saying “they simply need more practice” can lower the pressure. It’s exhausting and repetitive, but one day, they will get it.
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Noreen Chadha, Leadership & Conscious Parenting Coach
With almost 20 years of professional experience, Noreen Chadha supports both leaders and parents on their journey to be more conscious, and therefore more at peace and authentic in their day-to-day life. She believes that being truly present is one of the biggest challenges of our time, and also one of the biggest gifts we can give ourselves, our teams, and most importantly, our children.
