Written by: Cordelia Gaffar, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Joy Bond?... you may say. Yes, joy bond. With all of the nuances of change you may have experienced in 2020 and 2021, you have been bonding with people through shared stories of “trauma”. You know, saying “I can relate to that..My (close relative) had COVID and I had to manage my children’s education via zoom while working. Life has been so hard but we made it through!” You are identifying with the stress and hardship of doing more and doing it differently. You are also connecting through a shared feeling that you have overcome obstacles. I acknowledge you for all of those bonding opportunities. May I ask you a question? Are you observing your language, your word choice and your thoughts in your interactions?
This is also known as trauma bonding with people.
Your words create your world.
You have a choice in how you communicate. You can be an owner or victim of the events in your life. An example of owner language is my choice to use the word “events” in that sentence. Your life is a series or collection of events. Events are interactions which you can choose to observe and assign pleasant, unpleasant or “uneventful”…it is your choice. Think of the energy that you bring to each event in your life. That energy determines the feeling in your body creating the chemical reaction and vocabulary you associate with each event. Are you using words like:
I have to
I should
I am supposed to
I am trying
It’s so hard
Bad, good
If so, these are examples of victim language. You may feel heavy in your body and even experience aches and pains or sleepiness; lack of appetite or increased appetite. Or you may find yourself pleasure-seeking. Pleasure-seeking behavior is when you drink more, exercise more, have more sex, eat more, or do anything to tantalize the senses and spark euphoria. Again if this describes you, you are in victim mode. Even if it is something like excessive hiking. Too much of a good thing or choosing to do a good thing too often is actually avoidance. Avoidance of your daily entanglements is a default state which causes you to overfunction in several ways. You may people please and call it fulfilling your duties in a certain role. Most of the time you are not even aware of all of the ways you seek validation.
Joy vs Pleasure seeking
So what is the difference between true joy and pleasure seeking? Now you know what joy is not and how you speak, feel and act in that space. According to Sadhguru, whose mission is a science that helps a person realize the ultimate potential within, “joy is a natural phenomenon. Misery is your creation” and “in deep conscious involvement with everything around you, there is no entanglement- there is just joy”. He also says when you have no joy you become a pleasure seeker. Creating joy is as simple as making the intention with your words every morning. While. Was going through the legal process of my divorce I made a conscious choice everyday after releasing a few tears, “today I will commit to creating one moment of joy.” For me that likes like rolling down hills with my children or without them. Going on hikes with new friends. Staring at the mirror and smiling at myself and acknowledging all the light and beauty in my being and face. I remarked how smiling AND observing myself smiling were simultaneous joyous events.
Now it’s your turn to think of ways to commit to creating joy in your life.
Creating Joy with Others
The best part of being committed to creating moments of joy for yourself is that it can and will spill over to others. You will notice that people you pass anywhere you go will be drawn to your magnetism. Guess what? You can also make bonding with others a practice I live to call Joy Bonding! Here are some tips for that below.
Tip No.1 Only have an elevating conversation.
That means do not gossip or backbite. If you have nothing pleasant to say don’t say anything and don’t agree if something negative is said. Being in collective agreement with negative lessens your joy and can close the door to the opportunity of it. For example, you can contribute to a conversation:
“The good news is we get to be here now with this enjoyable company “ and walk away.
Tip No.2 Don’t carry the heaviness of life into a party
When you spend Time with others, be present in the moment. Do not dread the question “how are things going with COVID and all?” Say the truth and let it go. Let the words be The release in the moment not the heavy. For example,
“I have grieved the loss of loved ones and things. And I am grateful for being here with you now. “ be very aware of your language especially when it comes to the I am.
Tip No.3 Trust yourself and others
By committing to your joy and creating a daily practice of it, you are building self-trust and making it easier to trust others. Yes, that’s a thing. Most of the time you speak through projection rather than for connection because you judge, guilt, shame yourself. When you live in a world of creating joy, trust comes natural and radiates through you to others.
For example, when someone tells you that you are “too much” or “deep” and “they want to keep it light and simple”. You can say “Thank you” and move on. Now you may feel slighted or judged and look for ways to contort to “fit” their narrow criteria. Trust that they are not your people and you people will find you magnetized by your joy!
Joy bonding is an extension of creating inner joy. Only always communicate to connect in joy bonding.
Cordelia Gaffar, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Cordelia Gaffar is the Emotions Opener guiding leaders to use their darkest and most difficult emotions to embody success on a whole new level with ease and grace. After choosing Islam as a way of life the summer of 2001, she got immediately practice deep self-awareness using her emotions to transmute anger into deep compassion for humanity being targeted after September 11th. As a finance professional, mother and professional coach, she personally experienced prejudice on all levels which led to her developing her Replenish Me ™ process which is self-leadership surrounding practicing sustainable mindfulness and described in her most recent of seven books, Detached Love: Transforming Your Heart Do That You Transform Your Mind. Ms. Gaffar works with individual leaders and organizations to implement actionable tools and change policies. She is a best selling author of America’s Leading Ladies who positively impact the world with Oprah Winfrey in 2018, awarded Best Podcast Host of 2019, Top National Influencer, Sexy Brilliant Leader, and inducted into the Global Library of Female Authors in 2020; and currently nominated for Author of the Year and Health and Wellness Coach of the Year.
