Written by: Melanie Josephine, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I recently had a final clarifying conversation with my Ex. It was something I had on my mind for a while, but I always questioned whether it was necessary. I asked myself if it was a silly request and wasn’t sure how he would respond to it. Yet the fact that it kept coming up for me, made me realise that I needed to acknowledge it. More on my personal experience, later in this article.
Do you sometimes feel that way too? Do you have questions about the past with an Ex?
Let me share 3 key steps you can take:
1. Taking action and ask
You know your Ex like no other. Is he someone you can have a calm conversation with? Has enough time passed? If you feel it is the right move to have a conversation with him, simply contact him with a friendly, to the point message. This could look like this: “Hi! I hope you are well. I was wondering if we could have a chat at some point. I feel as though we never had a chance to say goodbye and say a few words, that’s why I’ve been thinking to ask you this. Let me know what you think.” Taylor the message to you and your Ex but keep it as simple and straightforward as possible.
You are separated and you must respect your Exes wishes, therefore you can make a request, however you cannot expect that the answer will be yes. Keep an open mind and respect whatever the response is.
If your Ex doesn’t want to or isn’t ready to chat, ask yourself how you can make peace with the situation yourself. In my case, if my Ex had said no, I would have dedicated time to myself to write down what I would have wanted to say and how I would have liked him to respond. I was going to imagine the words I wanted to hear from him. Giving myself answers. This might not be your solution, that is why I stated that you ask yourself what is right for you.
2. Preparing for the conversation
Once he said yes, it’s time to think about talking points. What is it that is on your heart? What do you want answers to; need to clarify or other? It is important that you think about how you want to say this in order to keep the conversation calm. If you don’t think you can stay calm, it is a sign that you are probably not ready for this and that you should give it more time before you seek it. Make sure the list of things you want to discuss is no longer than three talking points. You need to boil down what is most important to talk about to not overwhelm your Ex.
Once you have planned the structure of the conversation, deal with what the possible answers could be and practice to be at peace with all of them. The way you can do that is by taking the least desirable answers and work on being be ok with them. Practicing acceptance. This is another step in order to make sure that at the end of the conversation, you leave at peace and not with anger. You might also want to explain certain questions in order to prevent a heated discussion.
3. Following through
On the day that you to talk, I recommend you mediate beforehand. Dance to your favourite song or do anything else that keeps your energy high. Imagine the conversation going really well. You will be nervous, but that is ok. You might ask yourself why you wanted this in the first place, or whether you should call it off. Don´t call it off. See it through. These conversations are never easy, but you grow from them and you will feel a sense of relief once it’s over. That is because you reached the moment of truly letting go and freeing yourself from any space that person was still taking up in your mind. Even if the conversation doesn’t go the way you wished, you can allow yourself to feel accomplished, because you did it. You saw it through.
How did it go for me?
When it came to the conversation with my Ex, I did get my answers. I was able to get an insight into his perspective. The conversation was calm. Did I hear what I desired to hear? Yes and no, but that is actually ok. On some topics we simply agreed to disagree. Most importantly, the questions I wanted answers to, were answered. And because I did prepare myself for any potential responses, none of them upset me. They were neutral. But also a lot of time had passed between our break up and this conversation, so there were no hard feelings involved. At the end we both said what we wanted to say as our goodbye and I am relieved we did. I am grateful for this opportunity of clarity. I wish you the best for your talk. If you want to do it, do it. And if you wish to dive deeper into the topics I write about, listen to my podcast: “Change Your Love Life Forever” with Melanie Josephine.
Melanie Josephine, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine Melanie Josephine is a leading expert in the field of dating and relationships. In her coaching practice, she actively helps women to bring clarity and light into a topic that may have been dark for years. After going through challenges in her own love life, she decided to research and figure out where she was going wrong. Her self help book “Love Life Simplified” won a New Apple Award in the category “Young Adult Inspirational” and she continues to write for Brainz Magazine as well as on medium.com. In her podcast “Change Your Love Life Forever” she regularly shares experiences and learnings on a vulnerable level. Before she settled down in the UK, she travelled the world as an international nanny and shared her learnings in her popular book “Rock Your Au Pair Year”. Melanie is a highly organised Nanny/ Carer PA with many years of experience in private households alongside her coaching and author activities. Her mission: to bring hope into peoples love life because there is someone for everyone!