Written by Amritta Kaur Dhillon, Online Fitness Coach Reets is a leading voice in women’s fitness, mindset, and hormone health, and the host of the Get Buff with Reets podcast. As founder of Get Buff With Reets and creator of the Buff Rewire System, she helps ambitious women lose fat, build muscle, and reclaim confidence without sacrificing their careers or personal lives. For a prolonged period, nothing within my routine indicated inconsistency. For the majority of the month, I felt in control. I was productive, structured, and able to show up fully in both my training, my work and personal life. However, for approximately seven to ten days leading up to my period, a distinct shift would occur, I no longer felt like myself. My productivity declined, my mood lowered, and even relatively simple tasks began to feel disproportionately demanding. At the time, I couldn’t make sense of that shift. I would move from feeling clear, focused, and capable to feeling overwhelmed, disconnected, and mentally fatigued within a matter of days. Naturally, I responded in the way many high-achieving women do. I questioned my discipline and my standards. I told myself I needed to be more consistent, more focused, and less influenced by how I felt. What I did not recognise at the time was that this was not a discipline issue. It was PMDD significantly impacting my capacity. What PMDD actually feels like PMDD is often described as a more severe form of PMS. However, in my experience, it presents as a far more pervasive shift. It is not a mild fluctuation in mood or energy, but rather a marked change in how I think, feel, and function. There are periods where my energy decreases noticeably, my tolerance is reduced, and tasks feel heavier than they objectively are. My appetite and cravings increase, my sleep can become disrupted, and fatigue can become so intense that even getting out of bed can feel challenging. My perception of my body and progress can feel distorted, and my thoughts can feel foggy. It is the combination of these factors that creates the challenge. It is not one symptom in isolation, but the cumulative effect of multiple internal shifts occurring at once. The contrast that makes it so frustrating What makes this particularly challenging is the contrast. For the majority of the month, I operate at a high level. I am disciplined, structured, and consistent, with a naturally high level of productivity and an ability to hyperfocus and execute to a high standard. Then, within a relatively short window, that same level of output feels impossible to sustain. Almost as quickly as it presents, it resolves. By day two or three of my period, it can feel as though a switch has been turned back on. I feel like myself again, and I can often identify the precise moment the mental fog lifts. This is not a loss of ability, but a temporary shift in capacity. Where most women misinterpret it At one point, I considered whether this pattern reflected inconsistency. I questioned whether I was falling off track. My response would either be to attempt to maintain the same intensity or to withdraw entirely and experience frustration as a result. Neither approach was effective, as both were based on the assumption that I should be able to perform at a constant level irrespective of internal changes. This is where many women go wrong. The immediate response is to personalise the experience and assume it reflects a flaw in discipline, rather than recognising it as a physiological pattern. Why traditional fitness approaches fall short The reality is that I was applying a rigid framework to a body that does not work in a straight, predictable way. Most fitness approaches are built around consistency that looks the same every week. The same intensity, the same expectations, the same output. However, for women experiencing PMDD, that model does not hold. What works seamlessly in one phase of the month can feel unsustainable in another. When this is not accounted for, it creates a cycle of pushing, falling short, and restarting. Not because the individual lacks discipline, but because the structure itself is not aligned with their physiology. It is also important to recognise that PMDD is not the only hormonal condition that can impact a woman’s ability to train, perform, and stay consistent. Conditions such as endometriosis, PCOS, and other hormonal imbalances can present with their own set of challenges, from fatigue and pain to fluctuations in energy, mood, and metabolism. While the experiences may differ, the common thread is that a one-size-fits-all approach rarely works. The more complex the internal landscape, the more intentional and adaptive the external structure needs to be. Redefining consistency What actually changed things for me was redefining what consistency meant in the first place. Instead of expecting myself to perform at the same level every single day, I started paying attention to patterns within my cycle and adjusting my approach accordingly. This wasn’t about lowering my standards, it was about applying them in a way that made sense for how my body actually works. Consistency, in this context, is not about showing up at your peak every day. It’s about staying anchored to your habits and routines, even when your capacity isn’t at its highest. That shift alone changes everything. Training with PMDD My training varies in alignment with my energy levels and recovery capacity. There are phases where maintaining movement and adherence to routine is more appropriate than prioritising performance. In practice, for me, this primarily comes down to reducing load. I keep the same movements and structure where possible, but lower the weight to match my capacity in that phase. That way, I’m still training, still reinforcing the habit, but without forcing a level of output that isn’t realistically there. I also adjust my rest days based on how I’m feeling, rather than forcing them into a fixed structure. This allows me to stay consistent without forcing output that is not realistically available. Instead of viewing this as a step back, it becomes part of a longer-term strategy that supports sustainability and protects momentum across the entire month. Nutrition and PMDD My nutritional approach also incorporates a degree of flexibility, particularly during periods where hunger and cravings increase. By accounting for this rather than resisting it, I have reduced the cycle of restriction and overcorrection that previously occurred. This shift removes the emotional charge around food during more challenging phases and creates a more stable overall approach. The psychological shift The most significant change has been psychological. I no longer attach negative meaning to these phases. I do not label myself as inconsistent or undisciplined, as I understand that my capacity is temporarily altered. This awareness allows for a more measured and stable response. Rather than reacting emotionally to the shift, I respond with structure and awareness. A more sustainable way forward Having PMDD does not preclude discipline, physique development, or long-term consistency. However, it does require a more informed and adaptive approach, one that acknowledges physiological fluctuations rather than disregarding them. Additional pressure is not the solution, nor is the need to prove resilience through force. What is required is a structure that supports performance across the entire cycle, including the more challenging phases. This means building a system that accounts for fluctuations in energy, mood, and capacity, rather than ignoring them or attempting to override them. When you begin to work in alignment with your physiology, consistency becomes far more sustainable. You are no longer starting over each month or questioning your discipline. Instead, you are operating with awareness, adjusting where necessary, and maintaining momentum over time. For women who experience PMDD, this shift is not optional, it is essential. Without it, the cycle of pushing, crashing, and restarting will continue. With it, there is a level of control that feels far more stable and realistic. You are not inconsistent. You are not lacking discipline. You have simply been applying an approach that does not reflect how your body actually functions. Once that changes, everything else begins to stabilise. Consistency, in this context, is not about perfection. It is about remaining anchored, even during the phases that feel the most difficult. That is where real progress is built. This is exactly what I help women with inside my coaching. Building a structure that actually works with their body, so they can stay consistent, make progress, and stop feeling like they are starting over every single month. Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, and visit my LinkedIn for more info! Read more from Amritta Kaur Dhillon Amritta Kaur Dhillon, Online Fitness Coach Reets is a women’s fitness and mindset coach who began her journey trying to lose weight and feel confident again. After years of chasing every fad diet and extreme approach, she discovered that most fitness advice was male-led and didn’t account for hormones, mindset, or the realities of a busy life and the weight of holding it all together. That realisation led her to create the Buff Rewire System, a method that helps ambitious women get strong, lean, and confident without burning out. Blending strength training, hormone-informed coaching, and sustainable habit design, Reets now helps women around the world ditch all-or-nothing thinking and finally achieve results that last.

Dr. Ece Tekbulut is a political philosopher, cultural entrepreneur, and public intellectual known for bringing rigorous ideas into conversation with everyday life. She earned her Ph.D. in Political Science from Columbia University and is the founder of Thinking Through, one of New York’s leading public philosophy platforms. Through public salons and corporate sessions, Ece creates spaces where people can think more deeply about friendship, city life, climate change, leadership, AI, ethics, and long-term decision-making. In this interview, Ece shares how Thinking Through began, why public philosophy matters today, and how deeper reflection can help individuals, organizations, and communities navigate complexity with greater clarity and purpose. Ece Tekbulut, Political Philosopher and Founder How do you use philosophy as a practical tool to help people and organizations navigate complex challenges? Philosophy gives you the tools to interrogate what everyone else is taking for granted. I create the conditions for genuine inquiry in my sessions through Socratic dialogue – challenging assumptions, demanding clarification, and slowing the room down long enough to examine what's been taken for granted. I ask questions like: Why should people follow a leader? What makes a good life, and how will AI enable or hinder it? What is the ethics of being a colleague? Then I draw on insights from prominent philosophers to make those questions concrete. In a session on leadership, for example, I introduced Max Weber's distinction between power and authority – power is the ability to make others comply, authority is when people believe you have the right to lead and follow willingly and we explored what actually confers authority, drawing on Plato, Machiavelli, and Martin Luther King. How do you define success for Thinking Through? Success is cultivating curiosity as a permanent disposition in every participant, because the questioning attitude is a survival skill right now. It doesn't mean people leave having changed their minds, it means they leave aware that the answers they'd taken for granted, the positions they were certain about, can be challenged. For companies, we go deeper: with a tech company I facilitated a session on AI's impact on human flourishing; with a climate tech company, on what our relationship with nature should actually be. The answers we reach together become an anchoring principle – something that can shape strategy, messaging, even how a company talks about itself. What makes working with you different, and why do people keep coming back? I have a PhD, but I didn't go into academia. I'm a philosopher who works in public, with people in my salons and with companies, which means I'm trained to think precisely and I've built the practice of making that thinking accessible and alive in a room. People come back because the conversations are genuinely hard and genuinely enjoyable, which is a rare combination. What has been the most transformative conversation or event you've facilitated? Collaborating with business strategist Kima Sargsyan on a piece about algorithmic product design was eye-opening. Just as philosophers challenge the underlying premises of an argument, she challenges the assumptions behind product design and success metrics. Together, we questioned what current algorithmic products are actually doing to users and concluded that a truly valuable product is forward-looking: it takes aspiration seriously and helps users move toward who they want to become, rather than trapping them in a loop of past preferences. It was transformative because it showed me how much is possible when two people from seemingly disparate fields think together seriously. How do you tailor your sessions to meet different audiences? With companies, they usually come with a theme – AI, leadership, climate change and a specific aim, whether that’s internal cohesion or clarifying their public stance. I work with them to find the philosophical question that makes that theme generative for real conceptual discussion. With my public salons, I take my cues from the zeitgeist, from the places where culture is clearly at an impasse. I started holding sessions on friendship when research pointed to a ‘friendship recession,’ and on masculinity after Theroux’s manosphere documentary surfaced, or on love in New York, where the prevailing assumption is that this is not a loving city. What are Thinking Through’s upcoming projects? Thinking Through is hosting a series of conversations during AI Week and Tech Week NYC, convening builders and thinkers to explore how advances in AI are reshaping human life, decision-making, and the futures we are collectively building. The program also includes expert panels on AI in healthcare, creativity, and mental health. Follow me on LinkedIn for more info! Read more from Ece Tekbulut

Justine Asante is a leadership identity architect, author, researcher, and developer of the Performance-to-Power Evolution®. Through The Institute for Sustainable Authority™, she examines how high-achieving women leaders are shaped by Performative Productivity®, a systemic pattern in which worth, authority, and legitimacy are tied to constant output, over-responsibility, and external validation. In this interview, Asante discusses why burnout is often an incomplete diagnosis, how performance-based environments reinforce identity level over functioning, and what becomes possible when women stop leading from approval and begin leading from sustainable authority. Justine Asante, Leadership Identity Architect What first made you question the idea that high performance automatically equals healthy leadership? I questioned high performance when I noticed that women leaders, myself included, were praised for patterns that quietly disconnected us from ourselves. I experienced this contradiction in my leadership. I was trusted and praised for managing complexity, but the real weight was unseen. Dozens of high-achieving women I worked with voiced the same: respected and relied upon, yet behind their success, they became less rested, less clear, and less anchored in their own authority. Their calendars were full. Outcomes strong. Responsibilities expanded. On the surface, this was power. Inside, it was erosion. Systemic family dynamics training taught me to look beneath behavior and ask what pattern is reinforced. Leadership showed me that organizations often reward those who hold the most, without asking what it costs. High performance itself isn't the problem. It becomes risky when a woman must prove her worth through performance. You describe burnout as “Authority Erosion®” rather than exhaustion. What changes when women start viewing it through that lens? Seeing burnout as Authority Erosion® shifts the focus from energy management to identity truth. Burnout asks, “How do I recover to continue?” Authority Erosion® asks, “What part of me was destabilized while still performing?” That distinction matters because many high-achieving women leaders do not recognize themselves in traditional burnout language. They are still functioning and leading, still delivering. Outwardly, nothing collapses. But internally, self-trust thins, decision clarity fades, and boundaries trigger guilt. Rest feels undeserved. Their nervous system stays ready for the next demand. Authority Erosion® names the cost beneath performance. It shows the issue isn’t a lack of resilience but operating in systems that reward self-overriding. Once she sees this, the work shifts from doing less to returning to herself while staying highly effective. How did your background in systemic family dynamics and nonprofit leadership shape the Performance-to-Power Evolution®? Systemic family dynamics show that no behavior exists alone. People adapt to environments, roles, and unspoken rules. Over time, a woman is shaped by family systems, generational patterns, cultural messages, and early praise for being responsible and capable. Nonprofit leadership gave me a different but equally important lens. I saw how systems often become dependent on high- capacity people. One person becomes the stabilizer, the translator, the emotional container, the institutional memory, and the person everyone trusts to make things work. That may look like leadership, but it can also become a concentration risk. The Performance-to-Power Evolution® blends both worlds. It tracks the shift from a performance-driven identity to embodied authority. It doesn’t ask women to abandon ambition, but to recalibrate identity patterns that link ambition to sacrificing self-possession. Why do so many organizations unintentionally reward over-functioning in women leaders? This pattern is consistent with broader workplace culture research showing that women are more likely than men to experience toxic workplace culture. If a woman leader consistently anticipates needs, solves problems before they escalate, absorbs emotional tension, rescues stalled projects, and keeps people aligned, the organization may read that as excellence. What often goes unnamed is the invisible labor beneath that excellence. Overfunctioning hides system weaknesses, making organizations appear healthier. Her capacity covers gaps; her reliability stands in for stronger infrastructure. For women leaders, gendered expectations intensify scrutiny. They are evaluated not only on outcomes but also on emotional attunement, collaboration, grace under pressure, and not appearing difficult. Thus, they manage competence and perception at once. Organizations may not intend to create this dynamic. But when they keep rewarding overextension without redistributing responsibility, they train women leaders to trade internal authority for external approval. You’ve written about “Leadership Concentration Risk”; what does that look like inside teams and workplaces? Leadership Concentration Risk occurs when one woman becomes the holding environment for an entire system. At work, she serves as the unofficial infrastructure: remembering the history, managing relationships, anticipating tension, closing gaps, and making outcomes appear smoother than they are. This pattern extends beyond work. The same woman often carries the emotional load at home and in her community. Others expect her to notice, organize, soothe, and fix. Few ask if she’s replenished. Inside teams, dependence grows; others don’t develop ownership because she steps in. Systems stagnate; her labor compensates for what is missing. At home, care and responsibility blur with the burden of carrying everything. Leadership Concentration Risk flags a structural issue. Sustainable systems shouldn't rely on one woman to hold everything unresolved. That is the hidden danger, quietly spreading everywhere. What are the earliest signs that a woman is operating from performative productivity instead of sustainable authority? One of the earliest signs is that she feels most secure when she is needed. She may be deeply capable, committed, and loving, but underneath the responsibility is a quiet attachment to being the one people can count on. If she pauses, delegates, delays a response, asks for support, or lets someone else carry the weight, guilt rises quickly. At work, this may look like over-preparing, over-explaining, rescuing projects, answering messages immediately, or absorbing tension that belongs to the team. At home, it may look like managing every detail, anticipating everyone’s needs, and calling it care. In relationships, it can become emotional overfunctioning, where she listens, supports, adjusts, and stabilizes without asking herself what she needs. Another sign is that her body is rarely at rest. Even in stillness, she is mentally scanning for what might fall apart. Success also stops feeling satisfying. She completes the task, receives the praise, and immediately moves to the next demand. That is Performative Productivity®. It is not simply doing a lot. It is when output becomes the way she stabilizes worth, safety, belonging, and authority across every space she inhabits. Her effectiveness remains visible. Her self-connection turns negotiable. What does identity recalibration actually look like for a high-achieving woman who has spent years being “the reliable one”? Identity recalibration begins with telling the truth about the role she has been rewarded for playing. For many high- achieving women leaders, “the reliable one” is not just how they operate at work; it's who they are. It is who they have become across their homes, relationships, families, friendships, and communities. It may have formed early through generational expectations, cultural conditioning, family systems, and praise for being strong, mature, helpful, and low need. That is why we do not begin by simply telling her to set boundaries. Boundaries without recalibration of identity can feel like betrayal. They can activate guilt, fear, or the belief that she is becoming selfish, difficult, or no longer dependable. The deeper work is to reveal where the identity formed, rewire the belief that care and leadership require overcarrying, regulate the nervous system response when she chooses differently, reclaim what is truly hers, and radiate authority without constant proving. Eventually, she does not stop being responsible. She becomes more precise. She learns to lead, care, mother, partner, serve, and create without abandoning herself. Her authority becomes embodied rather than performed. That is when transformation becomes sustainable. She remains generous, but no longer disappears inside her generosity to feel safe. How do you define ambition when it’s no longer driven by external validation? Ambition without external validation is not smaller. It is clearer. It is no longer driven by the fear of being overlooked, questioned, replaced, misunderstood, or seen as less valuable when she stops overextending. It does not need constant applause, urgency, or exhaustion to know it is legitimate. I define healthy ambition as a desire that is aligned with identity, capacity, values, purpose, and embodied truth. It still wants excellence. It still wants growth. It still wants impact. But it no longer requires a woman leader to abandon her well-being, silence her needs, disconnect from her body, or perform invulnerability to be taken seriously. This matters because many conversations about burnout make women leaders feel the answer is to want less. Yet research on women’s advancement continues to show that the issue is not women’s lack of ambition, but the structural barriers shaping how ambition is recognized, rewarded, and sustained. High-achieving women leaders do not need less ambition. They need ambition that no longer depends on self-abandonment. When ambition is internally anchored, it changes how she leads at work, how she shows up at home, and how she cares in relationships. Success becomes an expression of power rather than a plea for validation. She can remain highly effective without losing access to herself. She becomes devoted to her purpose, not addicted to anyone else's permission again. If more women leaders embraced sustainable authority, what do you think would change culturally over the next decade? If more women leaders embraced sustainable authority, we would stop mistaking exhausted women for strong leadership. That shift would not only change workplaces but also change people. It would change homes, marriages, friendships, families, communities, and the next generation, as they watch what women leaders are expected to carry to be respected and powerful. Global workplace data continues to show that women’s professional experience cannot be separated from mental health, domestic responsibility, care labor, and long-term retention. Culturally, we would begin questioning the praise systems that reward women leaders for carrying too much. We would stop calling overextension dedication. We would stop calling self-abandonment 'excellence'. Workplaces would need to become more structurally honest because they could no longer rely on a few high-functioning women to absorb what the system refuses to redesign. At home, families would learn that care does not require one woman to be the emotional and logistical center of everything. In relationships, women would have more room to be fully expressed, not only useful, steady, or accommodating. We would also see a different model of ambition, one where women leaders do not have to choose between power and peace, visibility and wellbeing, leadership and self-possession. The next decade needs leadership built on sustainable authority, not constant performance. That standard would change everything. Women would model wholeness, not endless sacrifice, as the cost of being trusted anymore. To learn more about Justine Asante’s work on Performance-to-Power Evolution®, Authority Erosion®, and sustainable leadership for high-achieving women leaders, visit The Institute for Sustainable Authority™ or explore the transformational recalibration work offered through Glamorous Goddess Coaching™. “When a woman leader stops abandoning herself for approval, she becomes unstoppable by design.” – Justine Asante Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn for more info! Read more from Justine Asante

Written by April Wazny, LCPC, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor April Wazny specializes in trauma-informed, evidence-based therapy. Passionate about helping others heal, she works alongside individuals and families to process generational trauma and build lasting emotional resilience. Today’s adolescents are growing up in a world where identity development no longer happens only in classrooms, friend groups, or family systems. Increasingly, it unfolds online through curated photos, disappearing stories, comment sections, and algorithm-driven feeds. Social media has become more than entertainment; it has become a developmental environment.[1] For many teens, digital spaces now function as emotional mirrors. Likes, follows, comments, and views often serve as markers of acceptance, belonging, and self-worth. At the same time, many adolescents are navigating these environments while experiencing emotional distance or limited communication within their families. When emotional needs are not consistently met offline, digital expression can become a substitute for connection, validation, and identity exploration. The question is no longer whether social media influences adolescent development. The question is how. Adolescence in the age of constant visibility Adolescence has always been a period defined by identity exploration. Developmental psychologist Erik Erikson described this stage as the conflict between identity versus role confusion, where young people attempt to answer a central question: Who am I?[2] Social media has transformed how this developmental task unfolds. Unlike previous generations, adolescents today experience identity formation in highly public and measurable spaces. Online platforms allow teens to experiment with self-presentation, connect with peers, and express aspects of themselves that may feel difficult to explore offline. However, these same platforms also create constant opportunities for social comparison and evaluation. A teenager no longer simply wonders whether they are accepted socially. They can now quantify that acceptance through views, follower counts, and engagement metrics. This continuous exposure to peer feedback fundamentally alters the developmental landscape. The digital social mirror Researchers increasingly describe social media as a “digital social mirror,” reflecting adolescents back to themselves through the reactions of others.[1] While these platforms can foster creativity and belonging, they also intensify adolescents’ sensitivity to external validation. Social comparison theory, originally developed by Leon Festinger, helps explain this phenomenon. Humans naturally evaluate themselves in relation to others.[3] Social media amplifies this tendency by exposing adolescents to highly curated and idealised versions of peers’ lives. The result is often a cycle of comparison. Adolescents may compare their appearance, popularity, achievements, lifestyles, and emotional experiences with what they see online. Research by Fatt and Fardouly links these patterns to increased body dissatisfaction and emotional distress among adolescents.[4] Similarly, Vannucci and Ohannessian found that higher levels of social media use were associated with increased anxiety, depressive symptoms, and reduced social functioning, particularly among adolescents engaging in passive scrolling behaviours.[5] The issue is not simply screen time. It is emotional dependence on digital feedback. When self-worth becomes tied to online approval, emotional stability can become fragile. When families become emotionally silent While social media often receives the majority of public attention, digital experiences do not occur in isolation. Family relationships remain one of the most influential factors in adolescent emotional development.[6] Supportive family communication can provide adolescents with emotional grounding, resilience, and perspective when navigating online environments. However, when emotional communication within families is limited, what can be described as family silence, adolescents may increasingly turn outward for validation and connection.[7] Family silence does not necessarily mean conflict or neglect. Often, it appears more subtly. Emotions are rarely discussed openly, mental health conversations are avoided, vulnerability feels uncomfortable, adolescents feel unheard or misunderstood, and parents focus primarily on rules rather than emotional connection. In these environments, digital spaces may become compensatory emotional outlets. A teenager who feels unseen at home may seek visibility online. A teenager who struggles to express emotions within the family system may use social media to communicate identity, distress, or belonging indirectly. This reliance on digital affirmation can increase vulnerability to peer rejection, cyber comparison, and emotional instability.[4, 7] Algorithms are not neutral Another overlooked factor in adolescent identity development is algorithmic reinforcement. Social media platforms do not simply display content randomly. Algorithms continuously learn what captures attention and then reinforce those patterns over time.[1] Adolescents are repeatedly exposed to content that mirrors their insecurities, interests, appearance concerns, or emotional states. This matters developmentally. If an adolescent engages heavily with appearance-focused content, the algorithm often delivers even more appearance-centered material. If they interact with emotionally distressing content, those themes may become increasingly prominent in their digital environment. In many ways, algorithms actively participate in identity formation. They shape what adolescents see, compare themselves against, and internalise. Structural inequality in the digital world Not all adolescents experience digital life equally. Access to technology, internet reliability, educational resources, and parental guidance varies significantly across socioeconomic and geographic contexts. Fu, Zeng, and Kang found that adolescents in rural or underserved communities often face barriers to digital access while simultaneously having fewer support systems for navigating online risks.[8] Digital inequality is complex because both limited access and excessive exposure carry developmental consequences. Some adolescents are excluded from educational and social opportunities due to lack of access. Others are immersed in online environments without adequate emotional support, guidance, or digital literacy. Understanding adolescent development today requires recognising both realities simultaneously. The parent’s role: Monitoring vs. Connection Research increasingly suggests that the most effective parental strategies are not rooted in strict surveillance alone but in relational connection. Hernandez et al. found that adolescents benefit most from autonomy supportive monitoring approaches that combine communication, trust, and guidance rather than rigid restriction.[9] Similarly, Padilla-Walker and Coyne concluded that proactive, communication-based parenting strategies are associated with healthier technology use and improved psychosocial outcomes. Restrictive control without connection often backfires. Teens may become more secretive, emotionally withdrawn, or dependent on peers for validation. By contrast, adolescents who feel emotionally safe talking with parents about online experiences tend to demonstrate healthier digital behaviours and stronger emotional resilience. The goal is not to eliminate social media from adolescents’ lives. That is unrealistic in modern culture. The goal is to help adolescents develop the emotional tools necessary to navigate digital environments without losing themselves inside them. Moving forward: Supporting healthy digital identity development Digital environments are now embedded within adolescent development. Social media is not inherently harmful, nor is it inherently beneficial. Its impact depends on how adolescents engage with it, what emotional needs it fulfils, and what support systems exist around them. Supporting adolescents today requires a multidimensional approach. This includes encouraging open emotional communication within families, teaching critical digital literacy, helping adolescents separate self-worth from online validation, creating opportunities for authentic offline connection, and promoting emotional resilience rather than perfection. Adolescents do not simply need less screen time. Many need stronger emotional anchors. As parents, educators, clinicians, and communities, we must recognise that behind many digital behaviours are deeply human developmental needs: the need to belong, to be understood, and to feel seen. The challenge of modern adolescence is not merely navigating technology. It is learning how to develop an authentic identity in a world that constantly asks young people to perform one. Visit my website for more info! Read more from April Wazny, LCPC April Wazny, LCPC, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor April Wazny is a trauma-informed therapist and founder of Winora’s Hope Counseling. She’s passionate about walking alongside those who are hurting, helping individuals and families heal from generational trauma and reclaim their wholeness. Currently pursuing a Ph.D. in Social Psychology at Liberty University, April’s work explores the lasting impact of inherited trauma and the power of safe, compassionate connection in the healing process. Through both her writing and clinical work, she creates space for people to feel seen, supported, and empowered in their journey. References: Pérez-Torres, V. (2024). Social media: a digital social mirror for identity development during adolescence: Research and Reviews. Current Psychology, 43(26), 22170-22180. Erikson, E. H. (1968). Identity: Youth and crisis. W. W. Norton & Company. Festinger, L. (1954). A theory of social comparison processes. Human Relations, 7(2), 117–140. Fatt, S. J., & Fardouly, J. (2023). Digital social evaluation: Relationships between receiving likes, comments, and follows on social media and adolescents' body image concerns. Body image, 47, 101621. Vannucci, A., & Ohannessian, C. M. (2019). Social media use subgroups differentially predict psychosocial well-being during early adolescence. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 48(8), 1469–1493. Bronfenbrenner, U. (1979). The ecology of human development: Experiments by nature and design. Harvard University Press. Zhou, T., Liu, L., Chen, K., Hu, J., & Shang, Z. (2025). Parent‐adolescent emotional communication patterns and adolescent depressive symptoms: A dyadic, mixed methods study. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 35(1). Fu, L., Zeng, Y., & Kang, X. (2024). Bridging the urban–rural gap: A qualitative examination of perceived access, barriers, risks and opportunities of children’s digital learning during the COVID‐19 pandemic. Child & Family Social Work Hernandez, J. M., Ben-Joseph, E. P., Reich, S. M., & Charmaraman, L. (2024). Parental monitoring of early adolescent social technology use in the US: A mixed-method study. Journal of Child and Family Studies. Advance online publication.

Written by Coleman Housefield, Emotional Regulation Coach The Emotional Regulation Coach regulates your nervous system, co-regulates with your kids, and feels safe at all times, even when the people around you are dysregulated. Have you ever had a disagreement with your spouse and felt completely alone, even though they were right there? What if the real problem wasn’t the argument itself, but what you were thinking about it? Here’s a personal story about how one scheduling disagreement revealed a powerful truth about connection, thoughts, and how you can change the way you experience conflict in your marriage. A perfect storm for disconnection Recently, I’ve been out of town, which means my wife was the solo parent for six days. Solo parenting is no small feat. Add to the situation that my wife, Abby, is an introvert who recharges by being alone, and you’ve got a perfect storm, six days of pouring out with very few opportunities to refuel. When I got home, I brought up how I’d noticed our kids seem to be going through another one of those demanding developmental stages, you know the ones. Hormones change, emotions become intense, and they start testing and defying you every chance they get. These phases feel very demanding because we care deeply about supporting our kids when they’re struggling. That support costs us time, energy, and resources. So, for six days, Abby had been supporting our kids as best she could, without my help, while also running her business, managing a new team of employees, and teaching yoga. It was the perfect environment for a disagreement. Sure enough, we had one. It was a scheduling disagreement. We couldn’t align on how to prioritize our time and energy this fall. The conversation ended with Abby asking that we not talk about it anymore that night. It was past our bedtime, and we were both tired. What I was really feeling I hate it when this happens. I feel so disconnected, and the conversation feels incomplete and undone. I used to think it was because I don’t like arguing. Now I realize it’s because of the thoughts I have and how those thoughts make me feel when I repeat them on a loop. The thoughts sounded like this: if Abby disagrees with me, one of us is wrong or bad. If Abby thinks I’m bad, she will withdraw from me. If she withdraws from me, I’m all alone. Being rejected and alone is terrifying. When I think those thoughts, I feel scared, anxious, and insecure. Externalizing my thinking The next morning, I pulled out my journal and did a thought download. A thought download is a simple tool Abby and I both use: take whatever you’re thinking and write it down. Just get it out of your head and onto paper. Once I could see my thoughts externally, on paper and separate from me, I understood why I felt so alone and rejected. Here’s the key insight: Abby didn’t cause me to feel alone and rejected. I did. I did it with my thoughts. After writing everything down and sitting with my thoughts for a while, I asked myself one question: “What else could be true?” New thoughts emerged. Abby had been solo parenting for six days. She needed my support and unconditional love, not a proposal for major schedule changes. She had been pouring out a lot lately, with very little time to refuel. She was having a hard time, and I could make space for her to not be okay. I also know how to regulate my nervous system and keep myself safe, even when I feel distant from someone I love. Thanks to these new thoughts, I was able to feel empathy toward Abby instead of disdain. I could see how her response was more about her situation and less about me. I was able to create a sense of safety within myself so I could show up differently, to support and love her, and make space for her to not be okay, instead of rushing to fix things so I wouldn’t have to sit with my own uncomfortable feelings. The real problem isn’t the disagreement The disagreement I had with Abby was not the problem. It’s what I was thinking about the disagreement, what I made it mean, that created the problem for me. The same is true for you. The disagreement you had recently with your spouse is not the problem. What you’re thinking about it is. If you find yourself caught in this unhealthy cycle, where a disagreement leads to thoughts that perpetuate disconnection and distance, don’t give up. It doesn’t have to keep going this way. You can change how you experience conflict with your spouse. It won’t happen by accident. You’ll have to work at it. But it is absolutely possible. Ready to work on this together? If you’ve tried “fighting fair” or improving your response to disagreements on your own and it’s not working, please reach out. I’m here to support you. Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn for more info! Read more from Coleman Housefield Coleman Housefield, Emotional Regulation Coach Coleman Housefield has spent 20 years coaching and mentoring men and women through the hardest seasons of their lives, but he didn't start this work because he had it all figured out. He began because his own emotions were running his life, and he didn't know how to stop it. Coleman would get dysregulated by his kids, work stress, and things that shouldn't have been a big deal, with no idea how to handle it. Driven by the need for change, he went deep into studying how our nervous systems work, training with the best to build a method that actually works, not just in theory, but in real life with real people who have jobs, families, and little time for fluff. Now, he helps others do what he had to learn the hard way.

Written by Elizabeth Ballin, Professional Certified Coach In this series, Elizabeth Ballin, PCC, offers reflections from her coaching and mindfulness practice on how people discover insight, meaning, and resilience in the changing landscape of modern life. Her perspective is rooted in years of working with people from many cultures and in a driven curiosity that understands human growth as life in motion. I have been noticing, across articles, podcasts, LinkedIn discussions, and professional forums, a growing number of people questioning the concept of "Executive Presence." While traditionally defined as a combination of communication skills, confidence, and leadership effectiveness, many professionals feel it has evolved into something far narrower. What is often presented as a neutral leadership framework can be interpreted through the lens of unconscious bias. The issue may not lie in the original intention of executive presence, but rather in how organizations define and apply it. Too often, "executive" communication becomes associated with a specific style of speaking and behaving, usually one that favors particular accents, cultural norms, gender expressions, or racial expectations. Instead of measuring clarity, emotional intelligence, and the ability to inspire trust, some corporate cultures unintentionally reward conformity to a preferred mold. A leader with a strong international accent may be viewed as "less polished" despite consistently delivering clear strategy, building high-performing teams, and producing strong results. Meanwhile, another leader who fits traditional communication expectations may be perceived as more "executive," even when their actual leadership effectiveness is weaker. The result is a contradiction many professionals increasingly recognize: organizations successfully build diverse teams filled with highly capable people who earned their positions through talent, resilience, adaptability, and results, yet leadership itself is still often measured against a narrower and more familiar standard. In these environments, executive presence can stop being about effective leadership and start becoming about performative alignment with unwritten social expectations. Executive presence should not require people to leave parts of themselves at the door in order to lead. Any leadership framework, even one created with good intentions, can be distorted by the biases of the systems that interpret it. The problem is not leadership standards. The problem is when leadership standards become confused with cultural sameness. Familiarity is often unconsciously mistaken for competence in leadership evaluation. Where I am coming from One reason this conversation resonates with me is that I grew up in Geneva, Switzerland, an environment that was naturally international, multicultural, and diverse. I was fortunate to experience communities where people from different races, cultures, languages, and backgrounds were given equal opportunities to contribute without feeling pressured to abandon their identities to succeed. I was always surrounded by people who spoke multiple languages, switched between cultures effortlessly, and approached leadership and collaboration in very different ways. Yet their differences were not treated as obstacles to leadership. They were viewed as assets that strengthened the collective environment. People spoke differently. They carried different cultural expressions, accents, communication rhythms, and perspectives, and became highly respected leaders not because they conformed to one singular model of professionalism, but because they were effective, intelligent, collaborative, and deeply capable. Looking back, I now realize how fortunate that environment was. As I listen to more conversations today about executive presence and leadership expectations, I recognize that many people have had very different experiences. For some, leadership development has felt less like empowerment and more like adaptation, learning to minimize parts of themselves to be viewed as credible, promotable, or "executive enough." That is what led me to begin thinking about a different framework entirely: Grounded Leadership Presence. What grounded leadership presence actually means Grounded Leadership Presence is the ability to lead with clarity, emotional intelligence, authenticity, and adaptability without requiring conformity to a singular cultural model of professionalism. Unlike traditional frameworks that often emphasize alignment with established norms or external expectations, Grounded Leadership Presence centers on individual effectiveness and genuine engagement, allowing diverse leaders to embody and express their strengths without sacrificing personal or cultural identity. Grounded Leadership Presence shifts the focus from conformity to effectiveness, self-awareness, and human connection. A grounded leader communicates clearly, but not necessarily in the same way. They listen actively. They create psychological safety and adapt without losing themselves. They inspire trust not because they fit a corporate image, but because people experience them as credible, fair, emotionally intelligent, and authentic. One grounded leader may be calm and analytical. Another may be expressive and relational. One may lead through precision, another through energetic collaboration. The common denominator is trust, clarity, emotional intelligence, and integrity. Leadership effectiveness and leadership conformity are not the same thing. As someone who coaches leaders, I do not believe leadership development should be about teaching people to erase themselves in order to succeed. From a coaching perspective, one of the most important shifts is helping leaders move from performance-based leadership to presence-based leadership. Performance-based leadership often focuses heavily on image management, with leaders constantly asking themselves questions such as: “How should I sound?”, “How should I act?”, and “How do I appear executive enough?” The focus becomes centered on perception, presentation, and fitting into a particular model of professionalism. Presence-based leadership, however, asks much deeper and more meaningful questions. Instead of concentrating on image, grounded leaders focus on trust, connection, and integrity. They ask themselves: “Do people trust me?”, “Do people feel heard around me?”, “Can I lead with integrity under pressure?”, and “Can I create an environment where others can thrive?” These qualities are not tied to race, accent, gender, personality type, or cultural background. They are fundamentally human leadership qualities that allow people to lead authentically while creating stronger, healthier, and more effective teams. A story that has stayed with me I once worked with a woman from South Asia whose career journey has stayed with me. She came from an environment where opportunities for women were far more limited and shaped by traditional expectations. Through determination, education, resilience, and years of persistence, she gradually built a successful professional life after immigrating to Canada. Her performance reviews were consistently strong. She developed exceptional communication skills, navigated multiple cultural and socioeconomic environments, and became highly respected by colleagues and the teams she worked with. Step by step, she worked her way through the ranks of her organization. By every measure organizations claim to value, adaptability, emotional intelligence, perseverance, and strategic thinking, she had demonstrated she had them all. Yet, despite repeatedly being considered for higher leadership positions, she continued to be passed over. What struck me most was not bitterness. It was her awareness. She understood that she was operating within a system that still measured leadership through a narrower and more familiar lens. But she also understood that not every organization operates that way. Rather than internalizing the experience as personal failure, she began recognizing companies and cultures where grounded leadership is genuinely valued, where multicultural experience, resilience, and authentic presence are recognized as strengths, not merely tolerated. She once said she would eventually need to make a move, not only for her own growth, but also because the right organization would deeply value what she naturally brings as a leader. I found that perspective incredibly powerful. Because the future of leadership may ultimately belong to organizations capable of recognizing talent beyond familiarity. Companies that fail to evolve may eventually lose some of their strongest future leaders to organizations that already have. The cost of getting this wrong Experiences like this are far more common than many leadership teams realize. Many professionals are deeply aware of the "mask" they put on at work. They know when they are adjusting their voice, softening their personality, suppressing cultural expressions, or carefully managing perception to fit unwritten expectations around professionalism or leadership presence. What makes this particularly complex is that many people are not in a position to simply reject those expectations. They have responsibilities, careers, families, and financial realities to consider. For many, adaptation becomes a survival strategy. Part of the coaching work is helping individuals recognize the difference between healthy professional growth and losing connection with themselves entirely. But perhaps the larger lesson is for the leaders who shape the system. Because every time an organization rewards sameness over substance, it discourages originality, creativity, psychological safety, and authentic leadership development. The question leaders need to ask is not, "Can this person fit our culture?" but rather, "Are we creating a culture broad enough to recognize leadership in different forms?" What this looks like in practice Grounded Leadership Presence is about ensuring leadership standards measure what truly matters: clarity, integrity, emotional intelligence, trust, adaptability, and the ability to elevate others. In practice, it means encouraging leaders to refine communication for clarity rather than accent neutrality. It means valuing different leadership styles, measuring effectiveness through trust and accountability rather than polish, and creating environments where people do not feel they must suppress cultural identity to advance. Above all, it means developing leaders who are self-aware enough to recognize both their strengths and their blind spots. Leadership presence works in both directions. Team members also have a role to play, approaching leaders with openness and a willingness to adapt to different styles, accents, and communication patterns. In practice, this adaptation rarely takes long. Most people who have learned from a professor with an unfamiliar accent or working style know that within a short time, the communication becomes natural, the content comes through clearly, and what once felt different simply becomes part of how the team operates. This is also a strategic advantage. Different backgrounds bring different ways of seeing the world. A multicultural leader may recognize opportunities others overlook. Organizations that equate leadership with familiarity risk narrowing their own strategic intelligence. In global markets, leadership teams that can navigate multiple cultural realities are not a diversity initiative, they are a competitive advantage. When leaders are not consumed by self-monitoring, they lead from a place of confidence rather than fear of judgment, and people feel it. Teams open up. Psychological safety increases. Organizations gain access to a far richer range of talent and problem-solving approaches. The real standard Hopefully, the future of leadership is not about teaching people how to fit into the room, but rather creating rooms where more people can fully bring their strengths into leadership without leaving parts of themselves at the door. The strongest leaders of the future will not be those who mastered a corporate mold, but those who learned to lead with clarity, humanity, and grounded authenticity, while making space for others to do the same. From the author If these ideas resonate with you and you are exploring what grounded, authentic leadership could look like in your own career or organization, I am always open to conversation. I offer complimentary 30-minute exploratory conversations for leaders and professionals interested in developing more effective leadership approaches. Contact me here. Follow me on LinkedIn and visit my website for more info! Read more from Elizabeth Ballin Elizabeth Ballin, Professional Certified Coach Elizabeth Ballin, PCC, is an ICF-accredited professional coach and mindfulness practitioner working globally with people and professionals from many backgrounds. She combines emotional insight, cultural intelligence, and practical structure to support meaningful growth. She brings a lifelong multicultural awareness, deepened by twelve years of coaching across more than twenty cultures, which helps her attune to the emotional and practical realities her clients face. Her writing spans themes such as curiosity, creativity, well-being, communication, judgment, and the inner shifts that support meaningful growth in the complexity of modern life.

Dr. Omosefe Christina (B.Sc, MBChB, M.Sc, MBA) is a practising GP, entrepreneur and medical educator who builds repeatable systems that help migrants, clinicians and families adapt and succeed in the UK. She creates digital platforms and systems that tackle systemic challenges that affect the lives and careers of African families and professionals in the UK. Her mission is to share information and create exceptional products that protect and support Black communities in the UK. As a transformational leader and CEO of Elite Exams, she is recognised as an award-winning partner of Nigerian Doctors in the UK (NDUK). She employs digital transformation strategies to develop and scale both organisations, designing coaching programmes, digital courses and mentoring systems that support internationally trained medical doctors as they build leadership roles and sustainable careers in the UK. Through AfroUK Parenting, she raises awareness about avoiding safeguarding concerns in African families. She partners with local communities to offer culturally aware parenting support, practical resources and peer networks that empower African families. She writes to highlight the cultural and systemic factors that contribute to higher safeguarding risk, translating hard-won frontline experience into clear safeguarding pathways and teaching packs. Beyond clinical practice, Dr. Omosefe Christina is a trusted strategic partner for building structured systems and support, essential to the integration of African families across family, career and business life. She speaks, trains and consults for healthcare organisations and community groups, and writes on avoiding safeguarding concerns, leadership and systems change in the UK. Dr. Omosefe Christina Medical Doctor, CEO and Founder Who is Dr. Omosefe Christina? Dr. Omosefe Christina is a General Practitioner, medical leader, entrepreneur and community advocate, based in the United Kingdom. She leads Omosefe Christina Limited, a parent group that builds practical systems to help professionals who have migrated to the UK settle, work and progress. The organisation champions personal and organisational change across Black communities, tackling cultural and behavioural barriers regardless of social circumstance, and works to close the gap between community life and institutional expectations. She also offers clinical education and career support for International Medical Graduates (IMGs) and creates hands-on programmes that help migrant professionals and their families integrate and thrive in the UK. What inspired you? Dr. Omosefe Christina was inspired by her own experience as an expat NHS professional in the United Kingdom. She lived through the confusion of migrating and adjusting to a new life in the UK, working and learning inside a system that often assumes people already know the rules. She sees a lot of young professionals go through the same problems each year. The NHS subconsciously expects most expat professionals to hit the ground running to provide service delivery to patients. Seeing skilled professionals and families struggle – not for a lack of trying and ability, but for a lack of practical, culturally aware support – pushed her to act. That gap is what led her to create Omosefe Christina Limited: to advocate for systems that help Black professionals and IMGs settle, keep their careers on track, and protect their families. What specific challenges do migrants face in the UK that most people don’t understand? The problem is straightforward and immediate: Dr. Omosefe Christina and Omosefe Christina Limited see skilled people arrive in the UK ready to work, but the country’s institutions expect them to already know the unspoken rules – how schools, employers, and services actually operate here. That gap turns simple tasks into everyday battles: job interviews that go wrong for the wrong reasons, missed promotions, confusing encounters with authorities, and extra stress at home. When rules are hidden, small mistakes become big consequences. Families feel unheard, professionals lose confidence, and services mistrust Black professionals and communities instead of helping them. It isn’t about ability – it’s about practical know-how and a lack of clear, respectful support that makes integration harder than it should be. How does your work help Black professionals and IMGs feel confident navigating the UK education system? Dr. Omosefe Christina helps Black professionals and IMGs build practical confidence in the United Kingdom by turning confusing systems into clear, usable steps. She ensures families and careers are protected by signposting legal, employment and safeguarding supports so people know exactly where to go when things matter most. She builds and hosts peer networks and group sessions to create a sense of belonging and let professionals learn from others who’ve already navigated the route. She incorporates cultural competency training to explain the unspoken British norms – the small rules and typical institutional behaviours – so tiny mistakes don’t become big problems. Her work removes guesswork and gives people the clear steps, language and practice they need to succeed. What are some common mistakes Black professionals and IMGs make when dealing with personal safeguarding issues – and how do you help them avoid these? Dr. Omosefe Christina says migration often strips away familiar professional and social supports and, combined with a lack of culturally aware guidance, leads Black professionals to assume norms and practices from their home country. This can present as delay in asking for help, hiding social and professional concerns, trying to solve complex issues alone, and failing to record events. They often underestimate the social and career impact. Omosefe Christina provides plain “how-things-work” sessions, clear signposting to legal, employment and safeguarding support, confidential coaching, peer clinics and simple templates to improve overall success, to stop problems escalating, and protect families and careers in the United Kingdom. How do your resources and community support help parents raise confident, culturally grounded professionals and families in the UK? Dr. Omosefe Christina help Black professionals and their families become confident and culturally grounded in the United Kingdom by offering plain-English “how-things-work” webinars and workshops, online video platform, practical toolkits and templates, peer clinics and confidential coaching, and clear signposting to legal, employment and safeguarding support – all delivered alongside institution-facing work to reduce cultural misunderstandings so people know what to do, who to ask, and can protect their careers and families with practical confidence. Can you share a success story from someone whose life changed through your community or programs? Dr. T was a mother of three, working full-time in clinic while returning to a household where the domestic expectations from her home culture hadn’t shifted. She had a supervising trainer who was often absent but quick to record negative feedback about her performance at work. After three failed attempts at one exam and another set of attempts on her final exams, she was on the verge of exclusion from her medical training. The exams are a pivotal point in her migration journey as a medical professional. She arrived exhausted, stressed and losing confidence. She joined a coaching programme run by Dr. Omosefe Christina, which combined structured study plans and clinical coaching with practical steps to change the dynamics in her home (simple chore plans for the children, negotiated household roles) and confidential emotional support to manage and change the cultural expectations in her marriage. The work was holistic: we addressed the exam technique and the unspoken social and cultural barriers holding her back. The result was a clear turnaround – she passed with high marks and later described the support as life-changing, the moment that saved her career and steadied her family life. What makes your work different from other support groups? Dr. Omosefe Christina’s work differs from typical support groups because it rejects one-size-fits-all solutions. Drawing on clinical leadership and lived experience, she pinpoints the real professional, cultural and social barriers Black professionals and IMGs face and delivers tailored, practical help (timely, relevant, and appropriate) that closes the gap between the professionals, the local communities and the wider authorities and services. The focus is simple: give Black professionals and IMGs clear, actionable steps they can use right away to protect their careers, support their families and build lasting confidence. How can your community help someone who feels isolated or overwhelmed? Dr. Omosefe Christina’s community helps someone feeling isolated or overwhelmed by offering practical, human support rather than empty reassurances; members get a confidential listening space and regular sessions where others who’ve been there share real solutions; short, plain-actions that turn anxiety into manageable steps; one-to-one coaching for immediate problem-solving and emotional support; clear signposting to legal, employment and safeguarding services so people aren’t left guessing; and simple templates, plus regular check-ins that keep progress steady and prevent small pressures from becoming crises. What do you want migrants to know about life in the UK that they won’t find anywhere else? Dr. Omosefe Christina wants migrants to know a few plain truths about life in the United Kingdom that don’t always show up on arrival guides: first, the rules here are often unwritten – knowing who to call, what to record, and how institutions usually work matters more than knowing the right answer. Second, paperwork and clear records are everything – small, dated notes can protect your job and your family later. Third, asking for help early is not a weakness; it’s the safest, smartest step when things feel off. Fourth, cultural habits that worked at home may not fit here, and learning how to adapt those habits is practical, not personal failure. Finally, you don’t have to go it alone – local and online support, and simple practical tools speed up settling in and keep careers and families on track. What services, courses, or events do you offer that can immediately support a family in need? Omosefe Christina Limited hosts practical “Welcome to the UK” workshops, parenting sessions focused on preventing safeguarding issues, and targeted medical-education programmes – all designed to give Black professionals and their families clear, usable steps to settle, protect their families, and progress their careers. What is the one message you wish every African migrant in the UK would hear today? The system isn’t out to trick you, the real danger is not knowing how it works; get clear, practical help early so small problems don’t become life-changing ones. Follow me on Facebook, Instagram and visit my website for more info! Read more from Dr. Omosefe Christina

Written by Matijas Slivnik, Naturopath, Therapist, Musician Matijas Slivnik is a naturopath specializing in burnout, hormonal balance, and chronic fatigue. He combines natural medicine, energy healing, and healing sounds to help clients restore body and mind, delivering lasting results with over 12 years of experience. Back pain is no longer a condition associated only with older adults. Today, more people experience chronic spinal pain during their most active years of life, often as a result of sedentary work, chronic stress, emotional overload, lack of movement, physical exhaustion, burnout, and long-term fatigue. For some individuals, the discomfort appears occasionally as tension in the neck or lower back. For others, chronic pain becomes part of everyday life, affecting sleep quality, mobility, energy levels, productivity, and overall well-being. Health professionals increasingly recognize that chronic back pain is not always purely mechanical. In many cases, it reflects a broader imbalance within the body, including nervous system dysregulation, prolonged stress exposure, inflammation, hormonal strain, and reduced regenerative capacity. Why does chronic back pain develop? The spine carries much of the body’s daily physical and emotional burden. Long hours of sitting, poor posture, repetitive strain, physical overload, and psychological stress may all contribute to increased muscle tension and reduced flexibility. The nervous system also plays a significant role in chronic pain. When the body remains in a prolonged state of stress, muscles often stay contracted while recovery processes slow down. Many people notice that their spinal pain worsens during emotionally demanding periods, exhaustion, or poor sleep. This is one reason why chronic back pain is rarely caused by a single issue alone. Instead, it often develops through a combination of physical, emotional, hormonal, and lifestyle-related factors. Postpartum back pain is more common than many realize One particularly affected group includes women after childbirth. Lower back pain, pelvic instability, and upper back tension are extremely common after pregnancy and postpartum recovery. During pregnancy, the body undergoes major structural and hormonal changes. Ligaments become more relaxed due to hormonal influences, posture shifts significantly, abdominal muscles weaken, and additional physical stress develops through carrying and caring for a newborn. Sleep deprivation, breastfeeding positions, lifting the baby repeatedly, and prolonged sitting may further contribute to spinal strain. Research suggests that postpartum lower back pain can persist for months after childbirth, and for some women, even longer. Yet many mothers still accept this discomfort as something “normal” after pregnancy and therefore delay seeking support. Early stabilization, gentle rehabilitation, and holistic support may help reduce long-term strain and improve recovery. How does naturopathic therapy support chronic back pain? Naturopathy approaches chronic pain holistically, focusing not only on symptom management but also on identifying the underlying stressors that continuously burden the body. When supporting individuals with chronic spinal discomfort, naturopathic practitioners often focus on reducing inflammatory processes through nutrition, supporting the nervous system and stress regulation, improving sleep quality and recovery, supporting hormonal and physical regeneration, encouraging proper breathing patterns, relaxing muscle and fascial tension, and incorporating gentle movement and stretching. An important aspect of recovery is also lifestyle balance. The body struggles to regenerate properly when constantly exposed to chronic stress, exhaustion, overstimulation, and lack of rest. Rather than viewing pain only as a localized issue, naturopathy considers the connection between the nervous system, muscular tension, emotional stress, inflammation, and recovery capacity. The body often sends warning signs long before pain becomes chronic Many people initially ignore the early warning signs. Occasional lower back discomfort, neck tension, headaches, or morning stiffness are often dismissed as part of modern life. However, when the body continues signaling an imbalance for months or years without adequate recovery, pain frequently becomes chronic. This is why many experts emphasize the importance of early intervention, regular movement, proper regeneration, stress management, and a holistic approach to spinal health. Chronic pain should not always be accepted as an unavoidable part of daily living. Often, it is the body’s way of signaling that it requires more balance, recovery, nourishment, and support. Natural ways to support our spine at home According to naturopathic principles, there are several supportive practices that may help reduce spinal discomfort naturally at home. Heat therapy is commonly recommended because warmth helps relax tense muscles and improve circulation. Many individuals benefit from heating pads, warm compresses, or thermal support applied to the lower back and sacral area, especially after prolonged sitting or physical strain. Gentle movement is equally important. Light walking, stretching exercises, mobility-focused routines, and regular posture changes may help reduce stiffness and improve flexibility. Quality sleep and sufficient rest are essential for physical recovery and nervous system regulation. Chronic fatigue and sleep deprivation often intensify muscle tension and pain sensitivity. Stress reduction techniques such as calm breathing exercises, mindfulness practices, and nervous system support may also contribute to overall recovery. Nutrition plays an important role as well. A balanced diet rich in minerals, especially magnesium, may help support muscle relaxation, energy production, and nervous system balance. A holistic perspective on chronic pain Chronic back pain is becoming increasingly common in modern society, particularly among individuals exposed to prolonged sitting, emotional stress, exhaustion, and physical overload. While conventional approaches often focus primarily on symptom relief, naturopathic therapy emphasizes a broader understanding of the body and its recovery mechanisms. Supporting the nervous system, improving regeneration, reducing chronic stress, encouraging gentle movement, and restoring overall balance may all contribute to long-term spinal health and improved quality of life. Sometimes pain is not only a symptom, it is also the body’s message that deeper support and recovery are needed. Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and visit my website for more info! Read more from Matijas Slivnik Matijas Slivnik, Naturopath, Therapist, Musician Matijas Slivnik is a naturopath specializing in burnout, hormonal balance, and chronic fatigue. With over 12 years of experience, he combines natural medicine, energy healing, and psychotherapeutic modalities to support holistic health. As an experienced musician, he uses music and healing sounds to enhance healing. Matijas is the founder of PraNaturas, helping clients restore energy and balance naturally.

Written by Jay Thomas Williams, Consultant, Speaker & Author Jay Thomas Williams is a consultant and author who helps organizations identify where reality is unclear or stalled, restoring clear, shared understanding so decisions improve and systems move forward. Most people believe wrong decisions come from wrong thinking. That belief is wrong. Smart people make poor decisions every day in business, relationships, and leadership, not because they lack intelligence, but because they are not seeing the same reality at the same time. When reality is unclear, decision-making becomes guesswork. When information is incomplete, even capable people act with confidence in the wrong direction. If you have ever looked back on a decision and wondered how it went wrong, the issue was probably not the thinking behind it. It was visibility. Decisions depend on shared reality Every decision happens inside a structure of relationships. Information moves or fails to move between people. When reality is clearly seen and shared, decisions improve. People align with reality, and direction becomes clearer. When information is delayed, distorted, or withheld, each person operates using a different version of reality. Under those conditions, decisions are assumptions, and assumptions carry real cost. Intelligence cannot compensate for missing information It is easy to assume that smart people will figure things out, but that assumption fails in real environments. Even the most capable person cannot act on information they do not have. If the system limits what can be seen or said, their decisions will reflect that limitation. When reality does not move cleanly through a system, intelligence amplifies error instead of correcting it. Most problems repeat because systems cannot see themselves Blind spots exist at every level, from the individual to society. Recurring problems are signals, not accidents. If the same issue keeps appearing, it means the system does not see what is happening inside itself. Without clear visibility, there is no feedback. Without feedback, there is no correction. Adding pressure or more meetings does not fix this. As the title of my first article says: You cannot correct what you cannot see. Relationship with reality predicts success and failure Most conflicts are not about surface issues. They come from different alignments with what each person believes is real. People understand reality from their own perspective, form an interpretation, and then defend it. That gets labeled disagreement. Is it? Maybe not. Alignment and agreement are not the same thing. Alignment happens with reality. You do not negotiate with it. You encounter what is, and you line up with the part of it you can see. There is nothing to argue about at that level. Reality does not require consensus. Agreement, on the other hand, happens between people. It is argued and negotiated. It can shift. It can fail. That is where most decision-making efforts focus, and that is why they break down. Effective decision-making requires something earlier. It requires a shared view of reality where each person’s alignment can be seen together. When that happens, disagreement changes form. People can say, truthfully, “I see your point,” even if they do not agree. The conversation moves from opposition to coordination. Without that shared visibility, agreements are fragile. They hold briefly, then unravel, because they were built on partial or mismatched realities. The resolution never fully lands. When individual alignments are made visible first, something else becomes possible. People can say, in good faith, “You’re not wrong. We’re seeing different parts of the same reality. So what do we do with that?” At that point, decision-making becomes constructive instead of adversarial. The breakdown is not personal. It is structural. Most processes do not include a step where reality is jointly seen before decisions are made. That missing step guarantees friction. When it is added, the system changes. Think of a baseball game. No single player knows the entire rulebook. But together, the players collectively know the game well enough to play a good, fair game. When something is off, any player can say, “You can’t do that,” and point to the rule. The game works because the rules, the reality, are shared across participants, not sequestered in one mind. The same principle applies globally. People know more together than they do separately, but only if the structure allows that knowledge to surface and connect. When it does, decision-making improves naturally. When it does not, even well-intended agreements fail to hold. This is not abstract. It shows up in ordinary situations every day, often in ways that are easy to recognize once you know what to look for. If decisions feel slow, inconsistent, or frustrating, look for information that is not being shared, problems that are known but not spoken, repeated issues that never resolve, and conversations that circle without clarity. These are not people problems. They are visibility problems. The shift that changes everything We do not need better people. We need structures that allow people to see clearly together. When reality is recognised and shared, decisions improve, conflict reduces, responsibility increases, and patterns begin to break. To see where decision clarity is breaking down in your organisation, start with a simple diagnostic. Look at where patterns repeat, where alignments are unknown, where information is stalling, and where reality is unclear. That is where meaningful change begins. Follow me on Facebook and Instagram for more info! Read more from Jay Thomas Williams Jay Thomas Williams, Consultant, Speaker & Author Jay Thomas Williams is a consultant, speaker, and author focused on improving decision clarity in organizations. Drawing from a lifetime of experience across multiple trades, business ownership, and leadership roles, he identifies where information is incomplete, distorted, or withheld, and helps restore clear, shared reality. His work is grounded in a simple principle: when people can see clearly, they make better decisions. Jay is the creator of the LATH-Q™ Clarity System, a practical diagnostic for uncovering where truth is stalling in teams and organizations. His writing and consulting integrate philosophy, psychology, and real-world operational experience to reduce friction and improve performance.

Written by Christopher A. Suchánek, Founder, Chief Strategy Officer, and Speaker Chris Suchánek is the Founder and Chief Strategy Officer of Firm Media, an award-winning national marketing agency specializing in helping plastic surgery, oral surgery, and med spa practices thrive. Last week, I had the opportunity to speak at a leadership conference. What stayed with me was not the stage or the format. It was the honesty in the room. The moments where people stopped trying to say the right thing. It reinforced something I have come to believe deeply. Leadership is not built on tactics first. It is built on self-honesty. “To thine own self be true.” Not the curated version. Not the acceptable version. The real one. Because every decision you make as a leader, how you communicate, what you tolerate, and what you avoid, is influenced by the parts of you that are seen and the parts that are not. That is what led me to write this. For a long time, I thought growth meant refining the parts of myself that were acceptable. Polishing the strengths. Managing perception. Becoming someone people could easily understand, support, and align with. What I did not realize until much later is that the parts of me I chose to hide, repress, and deny were the very parts running the show. What you resist persists. Or more accurately, what you resist presets. It sets the tone. It influences decisions. It shapes relationships. It quietly dictates outcomes while you convince yourself you are in control. Shadow work, real shadow work, is not about becoming better. It is about becoming honest, and honesty has a cost. In leadership, that cost shows up in every room you walk into. The first thing I realized is that most people will do anything to avoid accountability for their shadow. I have watched relationships fall apart, not because the connection was broken, but because the truth was avoided. People will ghost, deflect, blame, project, and rewrite the narrative. Anything but sit with the uncomfortable reality of how they contributed. That is not judgment; it is recognition, because I have done it too. Shadow work forces you to remove the luxury of self-deception. Once you see it, you cannot unsee it in relationships, business, or yourself. Your reality starts to shift. Another realization that changed the way I move through the world is this: People love the idea of boundaries until those boundaries apply to them. Standards are celebrated when they are inspirational. Accountability is admired when it belongs to someone else. But the moment your boundary costs someone access, you become difficult, selfish, or too much. What I learned is that boundaries are not about being understood. They are about being aligned. Leadership without alignment eventually breaks trust. Alignment will filter people. That filtering is not a loss, but clarity. There is also a strange relationship people have with struggle. We reward it. We praise people for trying, for hurting, for pushing through, for doing their best. While there is value in honoring the process, there is also a hidden trap. Struggle becomes an identity. It gets attention. Engagement. Sympathy. Applause. At some point, I had to ask myself a hard question: Was I healing, or was I performing healing? Because one of the most confronting parts of shadow work is realizing that if you choose to no longer live as a victim, you also have to give up the rewards that come with it. The validation. The relatability. The permission to stay where you are. Letting that go is uncomfortable. But it is also where freedom begins. One of the more controversial realizations I came to is around what people call imposter syndrome. Not all self-doubt is fake, but a lot of it becomes a shield. A way to delay action. A way to seek reassurance. A way to avoid being measured. Ultimately, a way to avoid doing the work required to actually trust yourself. I had to confront the idea that waiting until I felt ready was, in some cases, a form of manipulation. Not of others, but of my own potential. Because belief, confidence, and self-trust are not built through thinking. They are built through action. Leadership is measured the same way. There is also a deeper fear that sits underneath all of this. People are not afraid of change. They are afraid of losing the identity that allows them to avoid change. The victim. The good one. The struggling one. The misunderstood one. The insecure one. The relatable one. The one who is always trying. These identities feel safe because they explain why things are the way they are. People will protect that identity at all costs. I know I did. One of the biggest misconceptions about shadow work is that if you allow your darker parts to be seen, they will take over your life. That if you acknowledge them, you will become them. I found the opposite to be true. What is brought into the light loses its power. What is hidden controls you, but what is integrated becomes part of a whole. When I stopped trying to curate a version of myself that only showed the acceptable parts, something shifted. I became more stable, not less. More grounded, not chaotic. More clear, not conflicted. Did it push some people away? Yes. When you become yourself unapologetically, you disrupt dynamics that were built on who you used to be. Not everyone is going to come with you, but what replaces that is something far more valuable. Real relationships. Honest conversations. Connections that are not dependent on you performing a version of yourself to maintain them. What I experienced through all of this is integration. The parts of me that I once separated started to come together. The disciplined and the impulsive. The confident and the uncertain. The light and the dark. Integration leads to actualization. That is where leadership becomes consistent instead of situational. Actualization, in my opinion, is the ultimate luxury. Not money. Not status. Not validation. But the ability to exist as a fully expressed, fully owned version of yourself without needing permission. Real shadow work costs you the version of yourself you worked so hard to maintain. The curated identity. The protective narratives. The comfortable illusions. Which is why most people would rather talk about healing than actually let it change them. Because once you do the work, you cannot unsee any of it. Your reality changes. Your relationships change. Your standards change. You change. That is the price of becoming honest. Also, the reward. Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and visit my website for more info. Read more from Christopher A. Suchánek Christopher A. Suchánek, Founder, Chief Strategy Officer, and Speaker Chris Suchánek is the Founder and Chief Strategy Officer of Firm Media, an award-winning national marketing agency specializing in helping plastic surgery, oral surgery, and med spa practices thrive. With over 25 years of experience spanning the entertainment and specialty medical sectors, Chris has worked with iconic brands like Warner Bros., MTV, and EMI Music, earning international acclaim, including a Grammy Award with Brainstorm Artists International.

Written by Roje Khalique, Founder of rkTherapy Roje Khalique is a visionary clinical consultant with 20 years of experience in mental health. She is the founder of rkTherapy, a London-based bespoke psychology consultancy, and a specialist in culturally attuned Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). A high-achiever is in an important work call with seventeen browser tabs open, Teams notifications coming through, half-listening for the Amazon delivery, wondering whether they have anything for lunch, and unable to go offline for fear that their manager will think they are slacking. They are, technically, in a meeting, yet also, technically, managing their household, all at once. This is just Tuesday. This article is not about work-life balance, and it is not about thinking your way to a calmer mind. This is about the collapse of the boundary between our working mind and every other part of our personal life, and why the answer is simpler than you think. The bedroom became the boardroom When working from home became the norm post-COVID, most people adapted their physical space however they could. For many, that meant the kitchen table, the sofa, or the bedroom. Taking video calls from the edge of the bed, or audio calls with the camera off, still in the same private space that used to belong entirely to rest. The brain learns from repetition. When we repeatedly perform high-stakes, high-focus professional work in a space, the brain codes that space as a work environment. It stops reading it as somewhere safe. Over time, the bedroom that used to signal rest and recovery now signals performance and demand. The brain is extraordinarily good at learning associations, and we taught it this one without realizing. This is not just a mindset problem or a discipline problem. It is neurological conditioning, and it is the reason the boundary between professional and personal life collapsed. The commute nobody mourned but everybody needed When offices closed, something disappeared that almost nobody grieved at the time: the commute. Nobody missed the traffic or the packed trains. But something important was happening in those thirty, forty, sixty minutes between the office and the front door. The brain was processing the day. Not deliberately, not consciously, but the physical movement and change of environment gave the brain time to replay a difficult conversation and let it settle, to let the emotional charge of the day begin to dissipate before walking through the front door. Working from home removed that buffer entirely. The last meeting ends and moments later, we are standing in the kitchen. The mind has not moved and has not closed anything down that was work-related. It keeps going, because there is no transition. The 24/7 on-call brain Lawyers, bankers, doctors, and many other professionals are not just people who work hard. They are people whose entire training has been built around one mental skill: detecting problems before they happen, running risk analysis, thinking several moves ahead, and anticipating what could go wrong so that it does not. That is not just something they do at work. Over time, it becomes the way the brain operates full stop. The professional mind becomes a 24/7 on-call brain, a mind so thoroughly trained to scan for threats, to identify risk, to solve problems before they become crises, that it no longer knows how to stop. They have spent years building that mental muscle, and a muscle that strong does not switch off when you close the laptop. One client described it to me like this. They could not sleep, lying awake thinking about a case file from several years ago, suddenly convinced they had missed something or made an error. So, they got up at 2 a.m., opened the laptop, and went through the file to check a particular piece of law. Then, they messaged a colleague the next morning to confirm. They felt relief. Then said to me: “I knew it was fine. I just got so anxious I had to check. It sounds stupid and I feel like an idiot. I am a confident and logical guy, I know my job, but I don’t know why the anxiety just takes over.” That “but” is the whole story. Why logic will not fix it Anxiety is not logical. Anxiety is just another word for fear in this context, and fear is an emotion. Many high-achieving professionals are trying to resolve an emotional response using the analytical, logical reasoning brain. It is not the same language. The 24/7 on-call brain does not care that the file was fine. It does not respond to “I know it is okay.” And added to the fact that high-achievers are often driven by the need for perfection, excellence, and certainty, the brain reacts by checking, confirming, and reassuring, and then it resets and starts scanning for the next problem to solve. For high-achievers, this rarely looks like visible panic. It looks like a quiet, relentless need to be certain, one more check, one more confirmation, one more reassurance. This is a subconscious pattern that has followed them home and does not know when its shift ends. The instinct of most high-achievers when they notice it is to try to think their way out of it, to analyze why they feel anxious, to journal, to talk it through, to reason with themselves until the feeling passes. That instinct is understandable. It is also the wrong tool entirely. The wrong tool Journaling, talking things through with a partner late at night, lying in bed replaying and analyzing the day, these are all logical, mental responses to what is essentially a physical and emotional problem. If you spend thirty minutes journaling and then spend the next two hours overanalyzing the same worries, your brain has not rested. It has just taken a different route back to the same place. Your mind thinks you are still at work; in fact, mentally you are still at work, it just so happens that physically you are in the bedroom. The brain does not need more thinking. It needs a signal it cannot argue with. Something physical, something behavioral, something that bypasses the logical mind entirely and speaks directly to the nervous system. That is what the commute used to do without anyone realizing it. That is what the following approaches are designed to do deliberately. So, what do you actually do? These are not mental or logical tools. They are simple, physical, behavioral signals, and the brain responds to them in a way it will never respond to reasoning or reflection alone. Done consistently, you may start to notice the moment you finish work and begin to live your personal life without the burden of work-related worrying. Change your clothes If we spend the working day in the same clothing our brain associates with rest or relaxation, how will the mind know that this is personal time and not an extension of the working day? Getting dressed for work, even at home, gives the brain a clear signal that this is work mode. Changing at the end of the day gives it an equally clear signal that work mode is over. What we wear is information the brain uses, so it is worth using it deliberately. The 15-minute fake commute At the end of the working day, leave the house and walk around the block for 15 to 20 minutes before coming back in. This gives the brain what the commute used to give it: movement, a change of environment, and a clear signal that something has changed. The brain does not need the logic. It needs the experience. Remove work-related items and discussions Rather than simply closing the laptop, put it in a drawer or a bag, out of sight entirely. If the bedroom has become the boardroom, consider going further: change the lighting, or use a specific scent such as a candle that is only lit when work is finished. These small changes begin to recode the space, giving the brain new associations to replace the ones that working from home created. Diarize, do not make another to-do list You do not need another to-do list. What the 24/7 on-call brain needs is evidence that nothing has been forgotten and that everything has its own time and place. Open your calendar and carve it out. Block two hours next Monday morning for interview preparation. Find an hour next month to review that contract your brain keeps returning to at midnight. The brain does not need to hold it anymore because it is already taken care of. Teaching the mind that not every fire needs putting out right now, and that some things already have a plan, is one of the most effective ways to quiet the 24/7 on-call brain after hours. Conclusion The goal is not to dismantle the 24/7 on-call brain. That would mean losing the very thing that makes these professionals exceptional at what they do. The goal is to teach it, gradually and consistently, that not every hour is a shift, and that the simple act of changing clothes, stepping outside, hiding a laptop, or opening a calendar is not trivial. It is not about thinking differently. It is about moving differently. Each one is a signal. Signals, repeated often enough, teach the brain that the working day has hours, that the shift is over, and that it is safe to stand down. Visit my website for more info! Read more from Roje Khalique Roje Khalique, Founder of rkTherapy Roje is a clinical practitioner for a wide range of anxiety disorders and depression. She is dedicated to making quality psychological support accessible to high-achieving professionals in the legal and finance industries in London's high-stakes corporate world. During COVID-19 she recognised a global and increasing need for evidence-based support and developed a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) online, virtual platform and a mobile app. Designed to fit the demanding schedules of professionals not only in London but across Europe, the US, the Middle East, and Asia.

Written by Shahrzad Jalali, PsyD, Psychologist, Author, Founder & Executive Coach Dr. Shahrzad Jalali is a clinical psychologist and executive coach. She’s the founder of Align Remedy, author of The Fire That Makes Us, and creator of Regulate to Rise, a course that helps people heal trauma and reclaim resilience. Her work equips people to break old patterns and step boldly into who they’re meant to be. A person can have a full calendar, meaningful responsibilities, loving relationships, professional accomplishments, and a life that appears stable from the outside, yet still feel strangely absent from the center of it. This kind of emptiness is often difficult to explain because nothing may look obviously broken. The ache is quieter than crisis. It appears in the pause after a compliment that does not quite land, in the silence after a long day that should have felt satisfying, or in the private realization that the life you are living may be functioning well but no longer feels fully inhabited. What does it mean to feel psychologically uninhabited? There is a particular form of emptiness that does not come from having nothing. It can emerge inside a life that is visibly full. A person may be working, parenting, partnering, achieving, responding, organizing, caring, producing, and maintaining the outward choreography of adulthood. From the outside, life may appear coherent. Internally, however, there may be a quiet sense of displacement, as though the person is present for the obligations of life but not fully present to the self who is living them. This is what I think of as psychological self-absence. It is not always sadness, although sadness may be nearby. It is not always burnout, although exhaustion can make it more visible. It is not always depression, although persistent emptiness, loss of pleasure, sleep disruption, appetite changes, hopelessness, or thoughts of self-harm deserve clinical attention and support. Psychological self-absence describes the experience of being organized around life while feeling disconnected from the inner life that gives it meaning. The person continues to function, but the deeper self feels under-consulted. Decisions are made. Responsibilities are met. Conversations continue. Yet something intimate, instinctive, and personally true feels harder to access. A person can be deeply functional while quietly displaced from themselves. Why a full life can still feel empty Many people first interpret emptiness as evidence that some external arrangement has failed. They begin scanning the visible architecture of their lives, the relationship, the work, the schedule, the city, the achievements, and the next possible reinvention. At times, external change is necessary and even lifesaving. Yet there is another form of emptiness that persists even when the outer structure appears intact. This emptiness has less to do with the quantity of life one has built and more to do with the degree of inward participation available within it. A life can become impressively organized while remaining privately uninhabited. Roles accumulate. Expectations become familiar. Competence becomes a language. The person becomes reliable, admirable, composed, useful, and perhaps even enviable. Still, beneath the surface, something essential may remain unconsulted. Over time, the self can become fluent in performance and estranged from preference. It knows how to respond, manage, produce, and accommodate, yet struggles to answer the quieter question, “What feels true for me now?” That is the kind of emptiness this article is concerned with. Not the absence of success, love, or responsibility, but the absence of felt authorship inside a life that continues to function. The hidden cost of becoming who you had to be Every person adapts. We learn how to belong in our families, cultures, relationships, workplaces, and communities. We learn which parts of us are welcomed, which parts create tension, which emotions are inconvenient, and which forms of self-expression are safest to conceal. A child praised for being mature may learn to hide need. A young adult rewarded for achievement may begin to distrust rest. A partner afraid of conflict may edit desire before it becomes language. A professional valued for competence may learn to treat uncertainty as a private failure. These adaptations are often intelligent. They may protect attachment, opportunity, dignity, or survival. Yet the adapted self can become so polished that the authentic self begins to feel underdeveloped by comparison. The person others admire may be real, but incomplete. This is where emptiness often begins. Not in failure, but in over-identification with a version of the self built to manage life rather than fully experience it. When life becomes a mirror instead of a home There is a difference between a life that reflects success and a life that feels inhabitable. A mirror-life is organized around appearance, performance, approval, and the maintenance of an acceptable image. It asks, "How am I doing? How am I perceived? Am I meeting expectations? Am I keeping everything together?" A home-life allows interiority. It makes room for contradiction, longing, grief, anger, tenderness, sensuality, fatigue, and desire. It does not require the self to be constantly impressive in order to be worthy of attention. Many people are living in mirror-lives. They can describe what they do, who depends on them, what they have accomplished, and what still needs to be handled. Yet, when asked what feels alive, nourishing, sacred, or personally true, they may struggle to answer without reaching for what sounds appropriate. The life has structure, but not enough intimacy. It has movement, but not enough meaning. This is why some people feel most lonely in the middle of everything they once thought would make them happy. The emptiness of constant self-monitoring Modern life has intensified psychological self-absence because so much of the self is now observed, measured, compared, and displayed. We do not simply live moments. We evaluate them. A meal becomes a health decision. A vacation becomes content. A morning routine becomes evidence of discipline. A feeling becomes something to analyse, label, improve, or explain. Even healing can become another performance of being self-aware. People can track their habits, optimise their routines, name their attachment style, explain their trauma responses, and still remain quietly estranged from the deeper self. Self-awareness becomes another form of self-surveillance when it loses tenderness. Depth work is not merely the ability to explain yourself. It is the capacity to be with yourself without turning your inner life into a project. There is a kind of healing that makes a person more articulate. There is another kind that makes a person more present. The second is harder to display, but far more transformative. Why insight alone does not always restore aliveness Insight is valuable. It gives language to what once felt confusing. It helps us see patterns, name wounds, and understand why we move through the world the way we do. Yet insight can become a beautiful room with no doorway if it never changes how a person lives. A person may understand why they people-please and still say yes when their body has already said no. They may understand their fear of abandonment and still abandon themselves first. They may understand perfectionism and still organise worth around performance. They may understand the origins of their emotional patterns and still live as though their needs are negotiable. Aliveness returns when insight becomes permission, permission to disappoint someone without collapsing, permission to want something without immediately justifying it, permission to rest without earning it, permission to tell the truth before resentment has to speak on one’s behalf, and permission to stop auditioning for belonging in places where the real self cannot breathe. The role of desire in psychological healing Desire is often misunderstood. Many people associate it with indulgence, selfishness, or impulsivity. In depth psychology, desire can be understood as a signal of psychic life. It points toward what wants to grow, move, speak, create, love, risk, or become conscious. When people are disconnected from desire, they may not feel obviously unhappy. They may feel flat. They may describe their lives with gratitude and still privately wonder why gratitude has not restored vitality. The absence of desire can resemble peace from the outside, internally, it may feel like dimming. To reconnect with desire, one may have to pass through grief, grief for the choices not made, the years spent pleasing, the voice left unused, the body treated as an instrument rather than a home, and the self that waited patiently beneath the life that kept moving. This grief is not a detour from healing, it is often the threshold. Signs you may be living outside yourself You may be experiencing psychological self-absence if your preferences feel difficult to locate, if you are highly responsive to others but slow to notice yourself, or if you feel guilty when your desires inconvenience someone else. You may notice that you keep improving your life without feeling more satisfied. You may feel restless during quiet moments, struggle to make decisions without external reassurance, or sense that you have become more role than person. Another sign is the ability to explain your emotions without truly feeling them in real time. The mind may have language, while the body remains distant, and the person may be insightful, but not yet inhabited. These signs are not a verdict, they are invitations. Each one points toward a place where the self may be asking to return. How to begin coming back to yourself Returning to yourself does not require destroying the life you have built. It begins with creating small moments where your inner experience is allowed to matter again. Ask smaller, more honest questions Large questions can overwhelm the psyche. “What is my purpose?”, “Am I happy?”, “Should I change my life?”, and “Who am I really?” all matter, but they can become too heavy when the self is already distant. Begin with questions that are smaller and more precise, such as what you pretended not to feel today, where you overrode yourself before you even noticed, what gave you a brief sense of aliveness, what your body knew before you explained it away, or what you are tired of performing. Small, honest questions reopen contact and give the self a place to speak without demanding an immediate life overhaul. Notice where your body hesitates The body often registers truth before the mind is ready to admit it. There may be tightening before saying yes, heaviness before entering a room, relief when certain plans are cancelled, brightness when speaking about something long neglected, or contraction around someone whose approval still feels too expensive. These sensations are not commands, but they are information, and they deserve curiosity. Many people override bodily signals because they are inconvenient, yet a life built on chronic self-override eventually becomes emotionally expensive. The body keeps the receipts of the self we keep postponing. Practice one unperformed preference each day A preference may seem small, but for someone who has lived through adaptation, preference is a profound act of return. Choose what you actually want when the stakes are low, admit that you do not like something you have been pretending to enjoy, say, “I need to think about it,” instead of instantly accommodating, and let an opinion exist before softening it for everyone else. The goal is not rebellion, the goal is authorship. Each honest preference tells the psyche, “I am allowed to be here.” Let disappointment become survivable Many people remain absent from themselves because they are terrified of disappointing others. Disappointment may feel like rupture, rejection, punishment, or proof of selfishness, yet healthy relationships can metabolise disappointment, survive difference, and make room for two subjectivities, not just one person’s comfort. If a relationship only works when one person disappears, it may be stable, but it is not intimate. Coming back to yourself requires tolerating the discomfort of being less convenient. This does not mean becoming careless with others, it means refusing to make your disappearance the price of connection. Reclaim private life Not everything meaningful needs to be shared, optimised, explained, or converted into content. Private life is where the soul gathers itself. A walk without tracking it, a meal without photographing it, a thought without posting it, a feeling without immediately analysing it, or a creative impulse without requiring it to become productive all create space for that return. In a culture that constantly converts experience into performance, privacy becomes psychologically restorative. It allows a person to belong to themselves before being interpreted by others. What makes a life feel inhabited again A life begins to feel inhabited when there is greater congruence between the outer structure and the inner self. This does not mean every day feels passionate or clear, it means life is no longer lived primarily through obligation, adaptation, image, or fear. The person begins to recognise their own voice sooner, notice when the body contracts, and tell the truth with less delay. Desire has a seat at the table, and relationships are chosen with more regard for whether the real self has room to breathe. Wholeness is quieter than performance. It does not always announce itself as confidence, sometimes it feels like relief, sometimes like grief, and sometimes like finally hearing your own footsteps inside your own life. Coming home to the self The ache of emptiness can be frightening, especially when nothing on the outside appears broken enough to explain it. Yet emptiness may also be a form of intelligence, a sign of the psyche’s refusal to remain satisfied with a life that contains responsibilities but not enough truth. A person is not here only to function. A person is here to inhabit, to feel the texture of becoming, to live less as a reflection and more as a presence, and to stop asking only, “Is my life working?” and begin asking, “Am I alive inside it?” That question may be uncomfortable, but it may also be the beginning of return. Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn for more info! Read more from Shahrzad Jalali, PsyD Shahrzad Jalali, PsyD, Psychologist, Author, Founder & Executive Coach Dr. Shahrzad Jalali is a clinical psychologist, trauma expert, and thought leader in emotional transformation. She is the founder of Align Remedy and Dr. Jalali & Associates, where she’s helped thousands individuate and reclaim their inner truth. Bridging science, soul, and psychology, her work guides high-functioning individuals through nervous system healing and self-reinvention. As the author of The Fire That Makes Us and creator of Regulate to Rise, she helps people turn their most painful beliefs into their greatest source of power, alchemizing wounds into wisdom and survival into strength.