Written by: Shawnesse Nicole Herbert, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Therapy. You finally listened and decided to try mental health treatment. It has been a couple of weeks, yet you realize you love your therapy sessions. Waiting for your next therapy appointment is like sitting on pins and needles. Family, friends, and even co-workers notice a change in your behavior. Life is starting to feel fulfilled again.
You know it is due to your dope therapist. Your therapist is the best friend you always wanted but never had until now. While in the waiting room, you scroll across a TikTok video referencing an article called, Your Therapist Is Not Your Friend, Take It from a Psychiatrist, your face plummets. All your thought-stopping anxiety skills are out the window. You start to ponder, is this true? Does my therapist know this? Wait, does this mean I have been bamboozled by my new therapist-bestie? Don't fret! Your answer lies in these eight reasons why your therapist was never your best friend.
One-Way Relationship
Friendships are partnerships; an underlying give-and-receive component allows the two-way relationship to grow and flourish. Counseling, on the other hand, is entirely one-sided. Therapy sessions are all about you and your mental struggles. Think about the questions your therapist asks during your sessions. Better yet, consider who is doing all the heavy lifting during a session. A healthy client-therapist relationship requires clients to process their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. You are the only one being vulnerable by processing your past and present self, and rightfully so. The focus is on you and no one else. The relationship is a safe place to let go and be free from all judgment. Learn to drop all your struggles and let your therapist teach you how to manage your emotions and relationships. There is no need to help or support the therapist. You finally have a relationship where you do not need to know anything about the other person on the other side of the couch. They got you, so let them!
Limited Self-Disclosure
By design, your therapist will only disclose personal information about themselves when it will help you move further in therapy and if it will be practical and beneficial for your progress. Your therapist's life struggles are not burdens to hold. Remember, this is not a two-way relationship. You should only know some things about them. Healthy therapists go to therapy to process their mental health needs. You are not in the room to help your therapist with their problems, nor should you; this is your session. Use all your time for yourself.
It's "Area 51"
Let's be honest; most people enter therapy in secrecy. Like the highly classified United States air-force military base, no one enters without an appointment, and many shield the knowledge that they are attending therapy. Individuals fear judgment for attending therapy sessions due to the many stigmas about needing counseling. Regardless of your vulnerabilities in letting others know you are in treatment, appointments happen in a therapeutic setting and nowhere else. You meet at a set time, on a selected day, for a limited time, and then you leave. There are no social met-ups, spontaneous get-togethers, or private party invitations your therapist sends you throughout the year or vice versa. The relationship is strictly set to the privacy of the therapy environment and confined to those areas only. Your relationship will eventually end with your therapist; it is inevitable. So, scratch them off the holiday list; they will be a no-show.
You Pay to Play
While you may feel like you are always paying for your friends every time you get together, this is not the same situation. The therapy relationship is transactional; regardless if you go through insurance or utilize private pay, you are paying for a service. You are paying for your therapist's time and support. You signed a contract and committed to the terms of the relationship. You have the right to end the relationship whenever you are ready, and the therapist agrees to let you go, no questions asked. Forgetting to attend a session or having a late cancelation will cost you. Your therapist will charge you for that session.
Additionally, they will address your attendance and inquire with you about your reasoning for missing sessions the next time your meet. You are paying for them to hold you accountable and challenge your behaviors. Your therapist provides excellent service, so take advantage of your therapist skillsets. Also, remember to let them know you are paying for your friend on outings. That session should be fun!
Limits To Confidentiality
Remember how I mentioned the contract? Yes. In the consent of service, your therapist reviewed conditions when they must break your privacy and informed others when additional support or help is needed. Outside the limits of confidentiality, your therapist keeps all your secrets—the good, the bad, and the ugly, as you may think. Your therapist is someone you can trust, bound to secrecy. So, you never have to worry about a therapist sharing your business or gossiping about you when they meet with their friends. They do not even know you once you leave their office.
On the other hand, your friends can willingly or unwillingly share information, and nothing legally can be done about it. Yes, the circle of trust may break, or a wounded relationship transpires; but if your therapist breaks the silence, you can report them to their state licensing board. You probably wish you could appoint authorities to govern your friends. Bring that up in therapy too.
Mutual Exclusivity is Non-Existent
Sorry to inform you, but you are probably not the only one calling your therapist their best friend. Unfortunately, your therapist has other clients, and when you leave, someone else will sit on the same couch as you after your session. You only have one therapist, yet your therapist has many clients. They present that same warmth, empathy, understanding, and kindness to all their clients, not just you. The warm, authentic, and empathic relationship you receive with your therapist creates a therapeutic alliance, which is the keystone to a positive psychotherapeutic experience. While the therapist personalizes each session for the client, the therapeutic alliance is present. Your genuine, authentic relationship with your current therapist may be your first encounter, which is excellent. Just remember, it is by design. Take advantage of your therapeutic support and let your therapist guide you as you learn how to manage your mental health.
Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries
Boundaries are a must in a therapeutic relationship. Technically, limits are necessary for all relationships; however, they are non-negotiable in therapy. Therefore, you sign a contract, and there are governing parties over licensed mental health providers. Boundaries ensure counseling is healthy, safe, and productive. Limits provide accountability and are typically missing in most relationships outside of therapy. The therapist writes goals, objectives, and treatment plans to keep therapy on track in reaching your endeavors. Therapy is work, and your therapist wants to ensure you achieve your goals as soon as possible. They want to see you win, so they will continue to enforce boundaries to support your needs. Real friendships do not have agendas, progression markers, or assign life work for you to complete before your next get-together. Learn ways to set boundaries in your personal life too. Ask your therapist for help; they will love to add it to your treatment plan.
Unethical
If I had to level importance, then this reason is number one. It is unethical for your therapist to be your friend. That is right, there are guidelines and ethics therapists must follow when seeing their clientele. Being your friend is not on the list of acceptable expectations. Ethical standards benefit you, the client, because for once in your life, you have access to someone who can listen to you. They get to learn about you and be your cheerleader on the side. They are not trying to steal your shine or derail your plans. Admit it, do you need another person you must give to or support? That is the magic of therapy, you have little ties to them, and your counselor does not have any other connections to you. Your therapist is judgment free! Ethics allows your therapist to be a healthy support system for you. You need your therapist to be a professional guide separate from a friend. Let your therapist witness your current mental state and allow them to help you grow into the person you truly want to be in the long run.
Your therapist is better than a best friend. Therapists are grounded in supporting you in doing "the work" to accomplish your goals in treatment. Your therapist is in the room as a supporting cast to your life journey. They are trained professionals who want to see you succeed and live your best life. Release the temptation of being upset because you believe you lost a bestie. Instead, walk into your next session and high-five your therapist. Be proud that you found a great one and that they are doing their job correctly. Not ready to accept and admit defeat just yet. Share this article with your therapist.
It will be a perfect conversation starter for your next session!
Shawnesse Nicole Herbert, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Shawnesse Herbert is a licensed psychotherapist who empowers individuals to survive their struggles, evolve in their relationships, love their lives, and fulfill their purpose. With her passion for educating individuals on the importance of mental health and the need for more BIPOC mental health professionals, she opened DISCOVER S.E.L.F. PLLC. As a privately owned premier counseling studio, Shawnesse supports individuals who thrive in seeking self-love and self-care. She supports teens and adults experiencing anxiety, depression, life transitions, and other mental health struggles interrupting their daily lives. Shawnesse has worked in the education and mental health fields over the last 15 years to obtain a dynamic understanding of human interaction and behavior development. She holds a Bachelor of Psychology from Texas Christian University (TCU) and a Master's in Counseling from Prairie View A & M.
