Your Presence is the Ultimate Communicator
Updated: Aug 10
Meagan Hruska is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC) and has been practicing both in-office therapy and Equine Assisted Psychotherapy for 10 years. She currently owns her own practice and is a co-founder of Dusty Boots Barn, where she provides counseling services and innovative trainings for professionals in the mental health field.
Communication is about far more than choosing the right words or mastering the right techniques, because the person behind the message shapes how it is truly received. By exploring presence, emotional undertones, and inner congruence, we can begin to understand why authentic communication starts with understanding and embodying ourselves.
“I want to work on communication,” said many clients to a therapist. “Do you know how deep that work really is?” said a therapist in response.
The art of communication is a journey so much deeper than what we think it is. As a therapist, I smile every time someone comes into my office saying their goal is to improve communication. It’s so vague. When I ask what parts of communication they want to improve, they look at me as though I just grew three heads. I usually laugh because they have no clue. Most people don’t really know what communication is or entails, just that they “should probably work on it.” Based on my work as a therapist, I have noticed that most men and women deeply want to communicate well with their partners, families, kids, co-workers, and communities, but they don’t know how.
Most therapies will only focus on the skills and tools of communication. This is a great start, and these are great tools to have. Communication skills may be referred to as using “I feel statements,” requesting clarification, paraphrasing, open-ended questions, and asking questions about a person. In therapy, we go over all these and practice them. Then there’s listening, which also has layers. Are you listening to respond? Listening with your mind? Or are you listening with your heart and/or body? Sometimes you may hear therapy language like “active listening,” “reflective listening,” and “attunement.”
However, these skills are only a small part of communication. Believe it or not, more than 90% of communication is done nonverbally, according to some research.
What makes communication great has more to do with the person doing the communicating. It is your presence. The “you behind the skills.” You are the most powerful piece of communication, not the communication “skills” and “tools” you've acquired.
Let me explain. Beneath the skills, there's the essence of you in the moment. How are you showing up? What’s your body saying? Your tone? Your volume? Your facial expressions? Your eyes? These are the body language and nonverbal cues of communication. It also involves your emotional state, intentions, self-concept, belief system, subconscious mind, and past experiences. What are you emotionally feeling? What did you intend? What did you believe in the moment, subconsciously? Were your words genuine or an attempt to “get” something?
All of this is communicated through your presence. I define these parts as the emotional undertone, the “what’s beneath the surface.”
In my opinion, the emotional undertone reflects your overall presence. There is no pretending or faking it. It always reflects exactly the level of embodiment you're currently at. It’s always online, communicating with those around you. The nervous system of others will tune into and respond to this subconsciously. It is why your presence is the most powerful piece of communication.
Have you ever wondered why you can “say” the right thing and/or “do” the right thing, but it doesn’t make an impact? You might apply the “tool” or “skill” flawlessly, but it doesn’t land? This is because we miss the boat when we don’t look at the emotional undertone and the communicator's presence.
I once worked with a father who had read all the updated parenting books. He was well-educated in the literature. He knew healthy phrasing, good word choices, and the healthy parenting skills suggested by the experts. He applied them well, but his kids still did not listen to him. This father was confused. He was doing what all the research suggested he do. So why didn’t his kids respond to it?
It’s because his kids were responding to his presence and emotional undertone. His body was so tense with anxiety and self-doubt that you could feel it radiating off of him. His tone was shaky, and he wasn’t grounded in himself. Ultimately, he didn’t trust himself. He didn’t believe his kids respected him or that they would listen to him. He also didn’t believe he was worthy of respect or that he was capable of being a leader. He didn’t think he was “good enough.” These were deep-seated beliefs stemming from his past experiences.
He didn’t even know he was communicating all this via his presence. But his kids felt it all. This is what they were ultimately responding to. If his kids’ responses and behaviors could talk, this is what they might say, “If you don’t trust yourself or feel worthy of respect, why should we trust and respect you? You’re showing us you’re not really in charge and that we aren’t safe. So we’ll do whatever makes us feel “safe” in the moment. We’ll take control instead.” This is an example with parenting and kids, but you could easily change it to “my employees” or “my partner.”
However, there is a good end to this story. This father and I worked on the emotional undertone and all the aspects contributing to this type of presence. He dared to own his inner world and face his demons. When he did, he rose into a healthy man and father. His presence and the way he carried himself changed. Guess what? His kids started listening! He was shocked that parenting could be more “effortless” than he thought.
Ultimately, when you can get your emotional undertone and presence to a good place, and then match it to your actions and words, you become aligned with yourself, fully embodied. You are congruent. The inner and outer worlds of you all match. Congruency is what ultimately makes someone’s presence feel truly safe.
This is the real mission to improving your communication. Face yourself and become congruent. Let your presence be the ultimate communicator.
Because presence is so important in communication, it's crucial for men and women to work on it. Ideally, good therapy and a good therapist will help you to begin to step into your own powerful self by addressing the emotional undertone in your life.
So you want to improve your communication? Take yourself on the quest and get started with a good therapist! Then experience yourself rise into the powerful presence of the person you truly are! Your partner, kids, families, co-workers, and community are waiting for you to arrive and lead from your own empowered presence.
Read more from Meagan Hruska
Meagan Hruska, Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Meagan Hruska, MS, LMHC, is a leader and innovator in the mental health field, evolving and pushing the field forward through her insight gained from years of clinical experience practicing and providing mental health-based services in numerous settings. She also specializes in incorporating experiential learning and somatic-based practice in her work, as well as Equine-Assisted Psychotherapy, where clients experience services in the company of horses and nature. Her intention is to help people reconnect and become embodied in the essence of who they are, both personally and professionally.
