Your Most Dreaded Co-Worker Is A Mirror
Written by: Brittney Van Matre, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Think about the experience of going home for Thanksgiving. You are packing up all the food and checking off all the boxes, everything is getting loaded into the car when you suddenly start thinking about last years’ Thanksgiving.
You think to yourself, “Great, my mother is going to bring up that same topic again. I didn’t handle it too well last year; it always gets to me.” Then your mind wanders to your backwoods uncle from Montana, and you think, “I can’t stand my uncle from Montana, and I am always so offended by his view of the world.” But you think again, “This year is going to be different. I am going to hold myself together, rise above it, and things are going to go well.”
Then, of course, what happens?
Your mother starts in on that same dreaded topic again and it gets to you, you can’t seem to hold it together, and inevitable conflict arises. This the one time in the year where everyone gets together and you want nothing more than for it to go well, and it’s already off to bad start. Then the backwoods uncle from Montana shows up. “I am not going to let him push my buttons”, you say, but before long, he sets you off. You just can’t help yourself!
It is that feeling of not being able to help yourself that is the key to understanding when a complex has been activated in you.
A complex is the constellation of unconscious identity and projection that usually falls under archetypal designations such as the inferiority complex, the power complex, the father complex, the mother complex, the anxiety complex, the sexuality complex, the money complex, and others.
Anything that arouses an intense affect response, namely resentment, hate, or abrupt withdrawal, points itself to the workings of a complex. Anything that feels compulsive or excessive in the psyche, anything that “gets under your skin”, is a key to knowing when a complex is at work.
When we put this into the context of work, we can all identify the one or two people who really get under our skin. And there may be valid, rational reasons why their behavior is not acceptable. But there are also plenty of people whose behavior and actions we don’t agree with, but for some reason, they don’t bother us as much.
Complexes, however are very valuable inner workings that can tell us something about yourselves which we do not know.
Jungian psychologist, Edward Whitmont, writes, “As a rule of thumb, when such an uncomfortable situation occurs, when somebody really “gets under your skin” and you want to know in what way you are responsible, verbalize what “gets” you in the other person. Say: “He is a dogmatic authoritarian (or as aggressive as a bulldozer, or an opinionated old bat…) and I can’t stand that!” Then take out the “He is” and put in an “I am” or “My complex is like” and you will have a description of the complex in your at work.”
These complexes will, in fact, never go away. It is our work to develop enough awareness of ourselves to know when they are present and activated; to know when we are having a reaction that is beyond our usual impulses.
So, what does it feel like to be in the grip of a complex at work? And how do you differentiate a complex reaction from other kinds of emotional response? And lastly, what is the lesson to be learned?
The best way to articulate this is through story. Here is mine (details omitted).
I was in the grip of a complex just a couple of weeks ago and the words that came from my mouth were, “I am just so bothered that I am so bothered!”. It wasn’t so much that I was bothered by the content of the situation, although that was a significant piece of it, but it was my reaction to the content of the situation that bothered me so much.
I just could not let it go and that inability to release it irked me to no end. The whole scene was like a mystery investigation that my mind needed to solve, no, must solve. It played on repeat, all the possible outcomes, paths forward, words that were said, words that were not said, attitudes, projections, stories – it was all there, hiding in plain sight under the guise of “They are so needy!”, “How dare they!”, “The immaturity!”, and a complete and utter dismissal of the other’s point of view.
I was justified. It felt childlike in some way, an infantile quality that I could not seem to rationalize away. I was deeply impacted by it, and I knew, without a doubt, that a complex was at play. This knowing meant, of course, that the finger I had so staunchly pointed outward was suddenly pointed right back at me. You can run but you really cannot hide, from yourself.
Right around this time I had a dream which involved me pulling a worm out from under my skin. It was as if I was pulling the projection out from under my skin. The unconscious complex was, as always, attempting to reach me by way of a dream and luckily, I was able to assimilate this into conscious material and use it for good, not just for this particular situation, but for my life.
Brittney Van Matre, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Brittney is a workplace strategist, coach, and entrepreneur passionate about building workplaces that prioritize the wellbeing of our Earth and humanity. She helps executive leaders build human-centered workplaces that attract, retain, and grow the world’s best talent, creating a future of work that works for all. Her writing explores the intersection of business, depth psychology, regenerative leadership, and the human experience.
