Why Your Politeness Is Killing Your Potential
- Brainz Magazine
- 1 day ago
- 5 min read
Written by Jayne Robinson, Spiritual Coach & Advisor
Jayne Robinson is a skilled, intuitive spiritual advisor and coach. Director of JR Coaching, International Best Selling Author of That Impact Book, and Founder of the Good Initiative.
There’s a version of you that shows up every day. She’s polished. Strategic. Considerate. She knows how to read a room. He’s thoughtful, diplomatic, and calm under pressure. Everyone says so. You sit in meetings, on calls, in conversations, and the words are right there.
You know exactly what you want to say. But when your mouth opens, something else comes out. Something softer. Safer. Sanitised. More agreeable. More… acceptable.
And then that quiet voice inside whispers:
“Why do I always do this?”
You know you’re not saying the thing. The real thing. And over time, that frustration doesn’t just fade, it festers. It turns into self-doubt. And then into self-erasure. You begin to wonder:
“Maybe this is just who I am. The peacemaker. The ‘nice one.’ The one who doesn’t rock the boat.”
The real truth is that this isn’t about communication. It’s about conditioning.
The real reason you’re still playing small
You didn’t make this up. You learned it. You were taught, directly or indirectly, that safety came through compliance. Maybe you were the “good kid,” the helper, the one who got praised for being easygoing, agreeable, and thoughtful. You learned early: if you don’t ruffle feathers, you’ll be liked. You’ll be safe. You’ll belong. And it worked. You got the gold stars. The praise. The “you’re so mature for your age” compliments. But at what cost? Somewhere along the way, you stopped asking:
“What do I actually think here?” “What do I want?” “What do I need?”
Instead, you became the one who held it all together, even when your soul was screaming beneath the surface.
You’re not alone.
The high-functioning mask: When performance becomes protection
Now you're in leadership, business, coaching, and parenting, and you’re still performing. Still filtering. Still shape-shifting to keep the peace. Let’s be real: You’ve gotten really good at it.
But the real you?
She’s under there. He’s in there. And they’re restless because the truth is surfacing.
Not in big breakdowns. Not in dramatic exits. But in subtle ways: The fatigue.The disconnection.The quiet dread of another conversation where you’ll have to perform instead of speak.
From approval to authenticity: What this journey actually looks like
I’ve walked this path myself.
As someone with a Libra sun and a North Node in Aries (yes, astrology matters when we talk about soul growth), I was wired for diplomacy. My gift was harmony, but it became my armour. My default setting was: “Keep the peace. Be liked. Don’t make waves.”
My biggest soul lesson?
They will never give you enough approval to feel safe being yourself.
And when I realised that… everything changed.
Authenticity isn’t about yelling your truth from a rooftop. It’s about choosing you even when it’s uncomfortable. It’s about risking the disapproval you once feared. It’s about rewiring your nervous system to believe that your voice, your real, raw, unfiltered voice, is safe to use.
Even in family dynamics. Especially in leadership. Always in love.
You’re not bad at communication, just speaking from a survival role
One of the biggest lies you’ve been sold is that you need to learn to communicate better. But most people don’t need new scripts. They need permission to stop performing. So if you're ready to stop tiptoeing, here are five ways to begin breaking the pattern:
1. Catch it in real time
When you hear yourself say something that doesn’t feel fully true, don’t judge it. Just notice. Then quietly ask: What did I actually want to say?
2. Trace the origin
Who taught you it was safer to appease than to be honest? What did you learn about expressing your needs? Awareness is the first act of rebellion.
3. Say one small, brave thing
You don’t need to explode out of your shell. Start with: “Actually, I disagree.” Or: “I’m not available for that right now.” Let it be imperfect. Let it be real.
4. Name what you want
Privately. On paper. Not what’s acceptable, what’s true. In your relationships, in your work, in your schedule. Let your wants be heard by you, first.
5. Practice being misunderstood
You won’t die. Some people won’t like it. But the ones who matter? They’ll respect it. And more importantly, you’ll respect yourself.
The breaking point you can’t afford to miss
There will come a moment, maybe this is that moment, when pretending gets too heavy, when the mask doesn’t fit anymore. When your nervous system just can’t take another round of self-abandonment. That’s the moment everything changes.
The world doesn’t need your compliance. Heck, we’ve got enough of that! It needs your courage. Your voice is not dangerous. Your needs are not selfish.
Final words (And a soft invitation)
If you’re still reading, then you already know: the old version of you is cracking open.
You’re not here to be agreeable. You’re here to be authentic.
You’re not here to play the role. You’re here to play the truth.
So what would shift if you stopped seeking approval… and started trusting your own voice instead?
This is your moment.
You don’t need to have it all figured out. You just need to stop filtering yourself.
Because the next chapter of your life?
It won’t be written with scripts and strategies. It will be written with truth.
Like some help with that?
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Read more from Jayne Robinson
Jayne Robinson, Spiritual Coach & Advisor
Jayne Robinson is an intuitive spiritual advisor and coach. As the Director of JR Coaching and an avid student of life, Jayne is much like the phoenix rising, leaning into her edge of personal development, emerging from her own transformations and spiritual quests time and time again. As such she is dedicated to helping clients do the same, to create a vibrant new chapter in their lives. Supporting successful entrepreneurs and individuals searching for more to move beyond boredom and burnout, guiding them through a spiritual voyage of uncertainty and fear to a transformative metaphorical death to rebirth. Her mission: embrace discomfort, uncover hidden possibilities, and transform your life.
