Why You Don’t Recognize Yourself in Motherhood, and Why It’s Not Your Fault
Sarah Maynard is a Beroepsvereniging Gewichtsconsulenten Nederland-certified lifestyle coach for tired and overwhelmed mothers. She is the founder of Body & Mind in Harmony and creator of a group program, built on her belief that nervous system regulation comes before any other wellness goal.
Most of us were prepared for the birth. We were told what to pack, how to breathe, and what the first weeks might look like. What almost no one told us is that becoming a mother is not just an event. It is a transformation that touches the body, the brain, the hormones, and the very sense of who you are. There is even a word for it: matrescence. As a BGN-certified lifestyle coach who works with overwhelmed mothers every week, and as a mother who lost herself completely across two pregnancies, I have seen how much relief comes from simply having a name for this. If you have ever looked in the mirror and wondered where you went, this article is for you, and for everyone who loves you.
What is matrescence?
The term was introduced in the 1970s by medical anthropologist Dana Raphael, who argued that giving birth does not automatically make a woman a mother, and that the time it takes to become one deserves to be studied. Decades later, psychologist Dr. Aurélie Athan revived the concept and framed it in a way that finally made it click for many people. A developmental perspective on matrescence describes it as a transition much like adolescence, one that covers the psychological, social, cultural, and existential changes that come with becoming a mother. It is not an illness. It is a passage.
1. Your body becomes a different home
The body changes are the ones we expect, yet even these are rarely discussed honestly. Your body grows, stretches, heals, feeds, and recovers, often all at once and on very little sleep. Many mothers describe feeling like a stranger in their own skin, which is not vanity. It is a real developmental shift in how you relate to your physical self. Adolescence works the same way. A teenager’s changing body can feel unfamiliar and out of control, and we understand that. A mother’s changing body deserves the same understanding.
2. Your brain rewires itself
This is the part that surprises most mothers. A landmark study published in Nature Neuroscience scanned the brains of women before and after their first pregnancy. Researchers found that pregnancy selectively reduced gray matter in regions linked to understanding others, and that these changes were still visible two years later. That sounds alarming, but the scientists were clear that less gray matter is not automatically a loss. The lead researcher compared it to the synaptic pruning that happens in the teenage brain, where the brain fine-tunes itself and becomes more specialized. The mothers with the biggest changes also showed the strongest bond with their babies.
So the foggy, forgetful, intensely tuned-in feeling you may have had is not a flaw. It is your brain reorganizing itself around a new role.
3. Your hormones take you on a roller coaster
During pregnancy, estrogen and progesterone climb to levels you will never experience at any other time. Then comes the drop. A longitudinal study of hormones from pregnancy to postpartum describes how estradiol and progesterone rise toward the end of pregnancy and then fall sharply after birth, which the authors call an extraordinary endocrinological transition. Add broken sleep, new demands, and a body producing milk or recovering from birth, and it makes sense that emotions can feel enormous. Your feelings are not random. Your whole system is recalibrating.
4. Your identity is being rebuilt
This is the quietest change and often the hardest. Many mothers say they feel like a part of the old self has disappeared, while the new self has not fully arrived yet. According to Athan, people in matrescence often describe it just like teenagers describe adolescence: everything feels turned upside down. The cruel twist is that during matrescence, we are expected to simply be happy and grateful while we lose control over how we look, feel, and function. Missing your old self does not make you ungrateful. It makes you a person in transition.
Why the adolescence comparison matters
Think about how we treat a teenager. We expect mood swings. We expect them to try on identities, to be awkward, to change their mind. We give them time, and we call it growing up. Adolescence has a name, a body of research, and cultural permission to be hard. Matrescence has had very little of that, even though it involves the same ingredients: hormonal upheaval, a changing body, a new social role, and an identity under construction.
Naming it matters because a developmental lens normalizes what mothers go through instead of treating every struggle as a problem. One important note: matrescence is a normal transition, but postpartum depression and anxiety are real clinical conditions that need professional support. If your struggle feels heavy or does not lift, please reach out to your doctor or midwife. Understanding the passage and getting help are never in conflict.
The takeaway: Patience for her, and patience from us
If there is one thing I want mothers to hear, it is this: you are allowed to be patient with yourself. You would never tell a teenager to snap out of it and be who they were last year. Give yourself that same grace. You are not behind. You are becoming.
But the second half of this message is for everyone around her. Partners, families, employers, and communities need to be patient too. Athan has pointed out that a mother needs time, compassion, and people who hold her while she finds her footing, just as we would for our own child going through adolescence. A society that expects a mother to bounce back within weeks is asking her to skip a developmental stage. When we slow down and make room, mothers do not just cope. They grow.
Finding your way back to yourself
If you are in the middle of this passage and wondering who you are outside of being a mom, you do not need to figure it all out today. A gentle first step is simply to start asking the question. I explored exactly this in my YouTube episode, Who Are You Outside Motherhood?, a short and honest conversation to help you begin understanding yourself again.
You can find more tools, resources, and support for overwhelmed mothers on my website, Body & Mind in Harmony.
You matter too.
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Sarah Maynard, Wellness & Health Coach for Moms
Sarah Maynard is a BGN-certified lifestyle coach who helps overwhelmed mothers reconnect with themselves before trying to fix anything else. After navigating motherhood without a nearby support network and drawing on 8 years as a youth care facilitator, she built her practice around one contrarian idea. Nervous system regulation has to come first before diet, fitness, or any habit change can stick. She founded Body & Mind in Harmony to guide mothers aged 25-45 through this shift, offering 1-on-1 coaching, a group program, and in-person community events. Her message to every mother she works with is simple. You matter too.
