Why We Shouldn’t Leave Our Grieving Clients Adrift
Leoniek van der Maarel is a Dutch psychologist, grief expert, author, and trainer with a clear and powerful mission: "Creating a world where grief is no longer a silent struggle – but a supported path forward."
In my early years as a grief counselor, I often thought, “Maybe I should just listen, give space, and not steer too much.” The idea that grief is a unique, personal process almost became an excuse to lean back. But honestly, I’ve seen too often what happens when we let our clients ‘just swim.’ The image that comes to mind is someone in the middle of the ocean, frantically swimming in circles. They have no idea where the shore is, and no idea where to go. Meanwhile, we, as helpers, stand on the sidelines, calling, “You’re doing it your own way!” But what if their own way mainly means drowning?
The panic of not knowing
Loss punches holes in life. Everything that felt certain suddenly falls away. The grieving person loses direction, literally and figuratively. I often hear in conversations, “I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m stuck,” or “It feels like I’m just going in circles.” This panic is not only emotional, but physically tangible. The body is tense; the mind is racing. And at precisely that moment, people need someone who stands beside them and says, “Come, I’ll walk with you. I don’t know the exact route either, but I do know a few directions.”
Why ‘letting them find their way’ doesn’t always help
There’s a persistent misconception that grieving people mainly need to find their own way, without too much interference. Of course, we shouldn’t fill in or take over, but letting them find their way is not so much different than abandoning someone to their fate. I’ve experienced it myself, as both client and counselor: if no one reaches out a hand, all that remains is chaos. You keep searching for something to hold onto, for a thread in the story. And that thread, we as professionals are allowed to offer. Not as know-it-alls, but as guides.
The power of taking someone by the hand
What does it mean to take someone by the hand in grief? For me, it means looking together at where you are now, pausing together at the pain, and searching together for small steps forward. Sometimes it’s literally naming what’s happening: “I can see you’re stuck. Shall we explore together what you need right now?” The goal isn’t to speed up or solve the process. It’s about safety, perspective, and the feeling: I don’t have to do this alone.
Grievers need direction
Grief is not a straight road. It’s a maze, full of unexpected turns and dead ends. As a counselor, you cannot prevent someone from getting lost, but you can hand them a compass. Theories, models, practical exercises, they’re not a straitjacket, but a form of support. Especially when a client keeps running in circles, you can help break the pattern. By reflecting together, by normalizing what’s happening, by setting small goals.
Moving together, growing together
My experience is: when you dare to take the grieving person by the hand, space opens up. Space for sorrow, but also for hope. For movement, however small. You don’t have to do it perfectly. What matters is that you’re present, that you dare to lead where necessary and follow where possible. This way, you prevent people from endlessly swimming in their grief and you give them the chance to feel solid ground beneath their feet again.
5 ways coaches can support grieving clients without letting them ‘just swim’
1. Know the landscape of grief
To be a compass, you need a map. Familiarize yourself with grief theories, models, and frameworks. They don’t provide a one-size-fits-all solution, but they give you a language and structure to help clients orient themselves.
2. Name what you see, grounded in knowledge
Use your understanding of grief patterns to reflect on what you notice. For example: “Many people feel stuck at this stage, does that resonate with you?” Knowledge allows you to normalize without minimizing.
3. Offer small steps, not big solutions
Theory can guide you in suggesting gentle, realistic next steps. Instead of rushing toward “acceptance” or “closure,” help the client experiment with manageable actions that fit where they are in their process.
4. Be a compass, not a captain
Models and metaphors, like the Dual Process model or the Circle Method, can be shared as orientation points. They help clients see that what they experience has a place in a larger map, without you dictating their path.
5. Balance presence with guidance
Listening deeply and offering space remain central. But when clients feel lost, theory-backed guidance gives you the confidence to say: “This confusion is part of grief and here are some ways people often move through it.” This enables you to stay close and present when emotions overflow.
In closing
Let it be clear: grief is personal and unpredictable, but no one has to go through it alone. Precisely in the midst of chaos, it’s our task to offer some perspective, not by taking over, but by taking the first steps together. That’s not a weakness, but an act of courage and commitment. What does your client need today, not to keep swimming, but to slowly move toward the shore? Are you willing to reach out that hand?
If you need any help, feel free to contact me at: info@grieftrainingcentre.com
Read more from Leoniek van der Maarel
Leoniek van der Maarel, Academie voor Verlies / Grief Training Centre
With over 25 years of experience and a deeply personal connection to her work, Leoniek has become one of the leading voices in the field of loss and transition. Her approach is grounded in the understanding that grief does not always begin with death–and healing is never one-size-fits-all.
Her career is defined by one central truth: grief is everywhere. In the aftermath of a death, a divorce, a broken family bond, or a lost dream–it weaves itself through human lives in ways both visible and silent. And yet, society still often asks us to “move on” too quickly, or without the right support. Leoniek’s life work is to change that.
