Why We Need Bereavement Theories to Support in a Meaningful Way
Updated: Apr 15
Leoniek van der Maarel is a Dutch psychologist, grief expert, author, and trainer with a clear and powerful mission. "Creating a world where grief is no longer a silent struggle, but a supported path forward."
“People aren’t boxes. Everyone grieves in their own way.” You’ve probably heard it, or even said it yourself. And yes, it’s true. Grief is deeply personal. But dismissing theory altogether leaves us without direction, language, or understanding. Without theory, we risk wandering alongside the grieving person instead of guiding them. Keep reading to discover how bereavement theories don’t limit grief, they help us understand it.
Why theory matters in grief support
Grief can feel chaotic, overwhelming, and unpredictable, both for the person experiencing it and for the professional supporting them. Theories offer structure, language, and insight. Not as rigid frameworks, but as guiding principles that help us recognize patterns and respond more effectively.
Every grief journey is unique. Yet, there is often a recognizable thread, a movement through pain, adaptation, and meaning-making. Understanding this thread allows us to support people in reconstructing their life story after loss.
The four bereavement tasks (William Worden)
According to William Worden, grief is an active process in which four tasks need to be addressed. The tasks are:
Accepting the reality of the loss: The grieving person gradually recognizes that the loss is irreversible. This is not about “being okay with it,” but about acknowledging that it has happened.
Processing the pain of grief: As reality sinks in, emotional pain deepens. Feelings such as sadness, anger, loneliness, and fear emerge, often more intensely over time.
Adjusting to a world without the loss: The person begins to rebuild daily life, develop new roles, and reshape identity. This includes practical, emotional, and existential adjustments.
Finding a lasting connection: Rather than letting go, the grieving person learns to carry the loss differently, maintaining a connection while continuing life.
The emotional phases of grief (Kübler-Ross)
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced five emotional responses often seen in grief:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
These are not linear stages. People move back and forth between them, or may not experience all of them. Understanding these emotions helps professionals stay present without needing to “fix” them.
The dual process model: Moving between loss and life
The Dual Process Model by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut describes grief as a movement between two worlds:
Loss-oriented: focusing on the pain and the absence
Restoration-oriented: focusing on daily life and rebuilding
Healthy grieving involves oscillation between these two. Too much focus on loss drains energy. Too much focus on restoration may lead to avoidance. This back-and-forth movement is not a problem, it is ‘a sign of healthy adaptation.’
What happens in the grieving brain?
Research by Mary-Frances O'Connor shows that grief is also a neurological process. The brain is trying to understand a reality that doesn’t match its expectations. It still “expects” the lost person to be present.
Grief, in that sense, is a form of learning, learning how to live in a world where someone is no longer there. This explains experiences such as:
“I thought I saw them”
“I still expect them to come home”
Intrusive “what if” thoughts
These are not signs of dysfunction, they are part of the brain adapting.
Why grief takes time
Grief is not just emotional, it is cognitive, physical, and relational. The brain needs repeated experiences to update its “internal map” of reality. That takes time. It’s not time that heals wounds, it’s ‘new experiences that reshape the brain and the story of one’s life.’
Bringing theory into practice
Theory is not meant to put people in boxes. It helps us:
Understand what we see
Normalize what feels abnormal
Stay grounded in complex situations
Guide without taking over
For the grieving person, this means feeling:
Seen
Understood
Less “broken”
For the professional, it means having a ‘compass in the landscape of grief.’
Grief is unique, but not random
Every person grieves differently. And yet, grief is not random. There are patterns, movements, and processes that we can recognize, not to control grief, but to ‘support it in a meaningful way.’ When we understand grief, we don’t take away the pain. But we can help someone ‘carry it differently.’
Final thought
Without theory, we risk getting lost in grief alongside our clients. With theory, we walk beside them, with clarity, compassion, and direction. And that makes all the difference.
Do you need more information or support in how to help others? Contact here.
Read more from Leoniek van der Maarel
Leoniek van der Maarel, Academie voor Verlies/Grief Training Centre
With over 25 years of experience and a deeply personal connection to her work, Leoniek has become one of the leading voices in the field of loss and transition. Her approach is grounded in the understanding that grief does not always begin with death, and healing is never one-size-fits-all. Her career is defined by one central truth, grief is everywhere. In the aftermath of a death, a divorce, a broken family bond, or a lost dream, it weaves itself through human lives in ways both visible and silent. And yet, society still often asks us to "move on" too quickly, or without the right support. Leoniek’s life's work is to change that.
