Why Trying To Change People Is A Really Bad Idea
- Mar 17, 2022
- 4 min read
Written by: Karin Glannstam, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
"Real love is excepting other people the way they are
without trying to change them.
If we try to change them,
this means we don't like them."
‒ Don Miguel Ruiz
If you are constantly trying to change other people, you will set yourself up for a lifetime of suffering.
The truth is that we can never change other people. They can only change themselves.
And the only people that we can truly change is ourselves.
So stop walking around hoping and wishing that somebody will all of a sudden just change they probably won't. And no amount of begging, complaining or criticizing will help.
Allow people to be who they are.
How many times have you heard about relationships that as soon as the man/woman entered the relationship they started to work on trying to change the other person?
If you don't like the way someone is then why did you enter into the relationship in the first place?
Early childhood experiences affect us the rest of our lives. Most of us didn't have a "perfect childhood" whatever that is?
Our parents did their best with what they knew and had to give us.
But if you grew up with parents that were negative, critical, suspicious, demanding, not supportive, addictive and shouting at you all the time, chances are that you, yourself will develop some of these characteristics. Why is that?
The first years of our lives up to the age of seven form the personality of the adult and it's very difficult to change an adult if you were around these kinds of people mentioned above.
On the other hand, if you were around parents that were nurturing, supportive, attentive, caring and kind, you will probably develop similar characteristics as an adult.
What happened during the first seven years will determine the way that people will be as adults.
The basic rule is that people don't change. People don't change their basic character and personality after the age of sixteen to seventeen.
They are in a way fixed in their personality.
People can learn new skills and become more confident, but they usually don't change their personality.
If they are negative when they are 16-17 years old, chances are that they will be negative when they are 37 or 57.
The rule is don't expect people to change and don't try to change them.
Don't hope that they will change, just accept people for the way they are.
If you are trying to change someone, you will be the person who ends up suffering, because most people are not going to change.
You can encourage people to develop their potential, but don't judge people or demand anything from people. Allow people to be who they are.
So what happens to the people that do actually change?
Because we know that some people will make drastic changes in their lives all of a sudden.
It is usually something that happens in people's lives, like a huge chock that sends them into a new kind of thinking and looking at things.
The old way of being and doing things isn't working anymore.
Miracles do happen to people and will force them to change their way but the bad thing is that you can't count on them.
The idea that someone will change is a miracle and you cannot base your life, your work and decisions on this.
If you are in business, the rule is that you only hire nice people and people that you like.
Don't try to make eagles out of ducks.
If you work with a negative person, it will take all the enjoyment out of your work.
Decide that you are not going to work with difficult people.
Don't have them as clients and customers and finally don't marry them!
So in the end, you cannot change other people.
You have no power over other people and really you don't have the right to change others.
The only thing you have power and control over is changing yourself.
So save yourself a lot of suffering by allowing people to be who they are.
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Karin Glannstam, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine Karin Glannstam is a Personal Success Coach specializing in helping people successfully get back on track after life has knocked them down. She has self-published 4 self-help books and she writes a weekly newsletter and blog. She is also very passionate about, fitness, health, and well-being and she runs a private Facebook group, Empower Yourself To Succeed. Born and raised in Sweden, Karin started out working as a nurse. In 1987 she moved to the US and today she spends her time between Texas and Sweden. Her mission is to inspire, empower and educate others to create a powerful vision for their life, develop a game plan and then take action on that plan to bridge the gap from where they are today to where they want to be in the future. Karin's motto is “Be Courageous, Take Action & Make It Happen!”
