Why the Parts of You That Hold You Back Are Trying to Help
Written by Polly Angel, Founder of The Angel Path
Polly Angel is the founder of The Angel Path and creator of the "Meet Your Inner Team" emotional intelligence system. As a Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT) practitioner and somatic coach informed by trauma awareness, she specializes in helping women overcome generational patterns whilst teaching emotional intelligence to young people.
Think about the part of you that you’d most like to get rid of. Maybe it’s the voice that tells you you’re not good enough. The habit of saying yes when you mean no. The way you shut down in an argument. The snacking late at night, the endless scrolling, the overthinking that steals your sleep. Most of us have at least one. Most of us have spent years trying to beat it. What if that part isn’t your enemy at all? What if it’s one of the most loyal members of your team?
Every part has a job
In my work, I use a framework called Meet Your Inner Team. It’s rooted in Internal Family Systems (IFS), a therapeutic model developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, which sees the mind as made up of many parts rather than one single self.
One of the most freeing ideas in IFS is this: there are no bad parts. Every part of you, even the ones that cause you trouble, took on its job for a reason. Usually, that reason was to protect you. Usually, that job began when you were young.
The inner voice that criticises you before anyone else can? It may have learned that if it pointed out your mistakes first, it would hurt less when others did.
The part that keeps the peace at your own expense? It may have learned that conflict at home wasn’t safe and that staying small kept you out of trouble.
The part that soothes you with food, shopping or a glass of wine? It may have been the only comfort available when big feelings had nowhere else to go. These parts aren’t problems. They’re protectors.
In the Meet Your Inner Team deck, there are 32 characters in four groups. The Guardians, like the Perfectionist, the Controller and the Worrier, try to keep us safe by staying in control. The Reactors, like the Exploder, the Escapist and the Soother, jump in when feelings get too big. The Hidden Hearts, like the Lonely One and the Frightened One, carry the old hurts the others are protecting. The Wise Guides, like the Calm One, the Brave One, and the Wise Self, are there to lead the whole team once the protectors feel safe enough to step back.
The Worrier’s story
Here’s how I explain this to children, and it works just as well for adults. Imagine a little girl with a curious part called Wonder. Wonder loves questions. What’s under that stone? What’s at the top of that hill? One day, Wonder leads her up the tallest slide in the park. She slips, grazes her knee, and the bigger children laugh.
That night, Wonder makes a promise. “Never again. From now on, I’ll think of everything, so nothing can ever go wrong.”
So Wonder starts thinking of everything. What if it rains? What if I get the answer wrong? What if everyone laughs? Wonder stops wondering and starts worrying. It becomes the Worrier, standing guard day and night like a warrior.
The Worrier isn’t trying to ruin her life. It’s trying to keep her safe. It just never got the message that the danger has passed.
Why fighting your parts doesn’t work
When we treat a protector as a problem, we try to silence it, shame it or force it into line. It pushes back. Of course it does. From its point of view, it’s protecting you from something terrible. If you try to stop it, it simply works harder.
That’s why willpower alone so rarely changes a pattern for good. You’re fighting a part of yourself that believes your safety depends on it winning.
A different way: Meet, thank, upgrade
The approach I teach is gentler and, in my experience, far more effective. First, meet the part. Notice it when it shows up and give it a name. “That’s my Worrier.” “That’s my Critic.” This alone creates a little space between you and it.
Second, ask what job it took on. Get curious, not cross. What is it afraid would happen if it stopped? When did it first start doing this?
Third, thank it. Really thank it. It’s been working hard for you for years, usually without a single word of appreciation.
Fourth, retire the old job. Let it know you’re not that child anymore. You’re grown now, and you have other resources.
Fifth, upgrade it. Every protector has a healthy version of its role. The Worrier can become a wise planner who prepares without panicking. The Critic can become a supportive coach who helps you grow. The Peacekeeper can learn to keep the peace inside you, rather than at your expense.
Your enemies become your allies
Something remarkable happens when people stop fighting themselves. The parts that once held them back become some of their greatest strengths.
The woman who worried about everything becomes the calm, prepared one in a crisis. The man whose Critic drove him to exhaustion learns to channel that same drive into something sustainable. The woman whose Peacekeeper said yes to everything discovers she still cares deeply about others but no longer abandons herself to do it.
Nothing about who they are has been removed. It’s been rebalanced. So the next time that part of you shows up, the one you’ve been trying to get rid of for years, try something different. Put a hand on your heart and say, “Thank you. I know you’re trying to help.”
Then listen. It may have been waiting a very long time to be heard.
Read more from Polly Angel
Polly Angel, Founder of The Angel Path
Polly Angel is a RTT practitioner, Internal Family Systems (IFS) and somatic coach with a trauma-informed approach, and founder of The Angel Path, Guidance toward Wellness. After her own transformative healing journey from chronic people-pleasing and debilitating migraines, she became passionate about helping others break free from limiting patterns. She specialises in working with women who appear strong on the outside but feel exhausted from putting everyone else first. Through The Angel Path, Polly offers individual RTT sessions and has created "Meet Your Inner Team," a revolutionary emotional intelligence system for all ages. Her mission: understanding is power, and every person deserves to understand their own emotional wisdom.
