Why So Many People Struggle to Love Themselves, and How to Change That
- Jul 14
- 3 min read
Eljin is a transformative personal development coach from the Midlands, England, and the visionary behind the Alignment Method programme. For over 16 years, Eljin has guided people to release what’s holding them back, rediscover their purpose, and create life-changing transformation.
As human beings, this is something many of us experience. I’ve felt it myself, and I hear it consistently from clients: “I can do so much for others, but when it comes to doing it for myself, I really struggle.” The frequency of that statement is remarkable. So, why is it so difficult to love ourselves?
1. Self-love is misunderstood
Socially, “self-love” is often perceived as cringey, egotistical, or selfish. These labels are largely defensive, serving as ways to avoid vulnerability or the discomfort of looking inward.
For many, it’s not resistance. It’s confusion: “I don’t actually know what self-love looks like.” Others believe it requires time they don’t have, so it never becomes a priority.
2. Emotional suppression and conditioning
Many people grew up in environments where they weren’t truly allowed to be themselves. Authenticity wasn’t encouraged. Conformity was.
Emotions were dismissed with phrases such as “Stop crying,” “Don’t be silly,” and “Get on with it.” Instead of empathy, there was correction.
Over time, this conditions a person to believe that their emotions are wrong, their needs are inconvenient, and their authentic self is unacceptable.
Self-love begins with reversing this by understanding your thoughts and emotions without judgment and meeting yourself with compassion.
3. Prioritising others over yourself
Some people have unconsciously learned that others are more important. Repeated messaging such as “Think about them” and “What about everyone else?” can create a belief system in which your needs come second.
This often leads to people-pleasing, over-giving, and rescuing behaviours. Self-love here means saying no when needed, setting healthy boundaries, and saying yes to your own well-being.
4. Trauma and identity
On a deeper level, some individuals have experienced unhealthy dynamics or trauma, leading to beliefs such as “I’m not good enough” or “I’m not worthy.” The key truth is this: You are not what happened to you.
Self-love in this space means seeking support from a coach or therapist, reframing the narrative you’ve been living by, and challenging and changing limiting beliefs.
5. External validation and worth
Many people attach their worth to external factors such as appearance, achievement, status, and material success. “I’ll be happy when.” “I’ll be successful when.”
This is an external locus of evaluation. Self-love requires shifting inward. Your worth is not dependent on outcomes. Growth is important, but not as proof of your value.
6. The myth that self-love is selfish
A common belief is “If I focus on myself, I’m being selfish.” In reality, people who say this often haven’t learned how to meet their own needs. Meeting your needs is not selfish. It’s essential.
Guilt often shows up here, but it’s misplaced. Guilt means doing something wrong. Self-love means doing something necessary. What you’re often feeling is shame rooted in conditioning, not truth.
7. What self-love actually looks like
Self-love isn’t ego. It isn’t arrogance. It isn’t perfection. It’s asking, “What do I need right now for my mental, emotional, and physical well-being?” and then acting on it.
Practical foundations of self-love
The practical foundations of self-love begin with sleep, nutrition, and movement, which are non-negotiable. They also include healthy physical, emotional, and mental boundaries, emotional awareness that allows you to feel without judgment, and self-acceptance, recognising that you are human, not perfect.
Self-love also involves managing your energy rather than absorbing everything from others, building a supportive network by surrounding yourself with the right people, and investing in personal development, mindfulness, learning, and growth. It means embracing new experiences and taking ownership of your life and choices.
Final thought
Self-love doesn’t require more time. It requires a shift in mindset and belief. If you can’t meet your own needs, it becomes difficult to truly meet the needs of others without dependency or burnout.
Interestingly, those who genuinely love themselves often show more compassion, not less, because they are no longer operating from a place of lack.
We are human. We are not perfect, and we are always evolving. That, in itself, is enough.
Read more from Eljin Keeling-Johnson
Eljin Keeling-Johnson, Personal Development Coach
In 2005, Eljin walked into therapy battling anxiety, depression, and drug addiction. What began as a search for healing became a profound journey of self-discovery. Emerging with a renewed sense of purpose, he dedicated his life to helping others find their true selves and step into their full potential. Over the past 16 years, Eljin has delivered more than 16,000 hours of transformative coaching, blending conscious, subconscious, and unconscious work to create deep, lasting change. As the visionary behind the Alignment Method programme, his mission is simple yet powerful, to help people connect, grow, and thrive.
