Why Relationship Patterns Shape Leadership Under Pressure – An Interview with Coach Varinka Bouma-Iseli

Varinka Bouma is a relational leadership coach and author of The Way You Love Is the Way You Lead. She brings decades of experience from the corporate environment together with deep expertise in intimate relationships to her work with leaders and organizations.

Varinka Bouma-Iseli, Relational Leadership Coach & Author

Who is Varinka Bouma?

Varinka Bouma is a relational leadership coach and the author of The Way You Love Is the Way You Lead. She brings decades of experience from corporate leadership together with deep expertise in intimate relationships, working at the intersection of love, leadership, responsibility, and impact.

Throughout her career, Varinka has observed a consistent pattern: the ways people learn to relate, belong, and protect themselves in close relationships resurface in positions of authority. Under pressure, these relational patterns shape how leaders handle power, responsibility, conflict, and connection, often without conscious awareness. What looks like a leadership issue is frequently a relational one.

Her work focuses on making these unconscious patterns visible, so people can move from automatic reaction to conscious choice. Varinka works with leaders, teams, and couples who want to understand how their relational habits influence their behavior and impact, both personally and professionally. Her approach is grounded, direct, and experiential, integrating leadership development, relational psychology, and real-world executive experience.

Rather than offering quick fixes or techniques, she addresses the deeper relational dynamics that determine how people show up when the stakes are high. Through her writing and coaching, Varinka challenges the idea that personal and professional selves operate separately, emphasizing presence, responsibility, and choice as essential foundations for sustainable leadership and meaningful connection.

At what point did you realize that the way we relate at home and the way we lead at work are deeply connected?

That realization didn’t come from theory: it came from lived experience.

I found myself having remarkably similar conversations in very different environments: boardrooms and living rooms, leadership teams and couples.

The language was different, but the emotional dynamics were the same. People wanted to feel seen, safe, valued, and respected. And when pressure increased, the same patterns appeared: avoidance, control, over-functioning, or withdrawal. At some point, it became impossible for me to treat love and leadership as separate domains.

Your book is titled The Way You Love Is the Way You Lead. What does that sentence really mean in practice?

It means that our way of relating travels with us.

The patterns we develop in close relationships: how we handle closeness, responsibility, conflict, and care, naturally shape how we lead.

In the book, I describe how these patterns become especially visible under pressure. When stakes are high, people rely on what they know best. The way you love is the way you lead because it reflects how you have learned to stay connected, contribute, and protect what matters to you. Awareness of these patterns creates space for choice and intentional leadership.

What patterns do you see repeating themselves in relationships and leadership teams under pressure?

I see a small number of relational patterns appear consistently. One of the most common is competence combined with emotional distance. People stay reliable, calm, and effective, while connection slowly thins. In the book, I describe this as the leader or partner who keeps everything running smoothly and says “I’ve got this,” while presence and connection quietly fades.

Another frequent pattern is taking responsibility early and often. This shows up as the partner who holds the emotional balance to maintain harmony, or the leader who steps in quickly to decide, solve, or absorb tension. These patterns grow from care, commitment, and loyalty. Under pressure, they naturally come forward and shape how people relate.

Why do you see these patterns as expressions of responsibility rather than problems?

Because these patterns developed as strengths.

They reflect how people learned to contribute, belong, and create stability in relationships that mattered to them.

In my work and writing, I often describe the example of someone who became “the reliable one” early in life: the person who stayed calm, solved problems, and held things together when others couldn’t. That same pattern later shows up as the leader who always steps in, or the partner who quietly carries the emotional load. What once created safety and trust continues to shape how they relate.

Awareness allows people to recognize the value of that strength, while expanding how they use it. Instead of carrying everything alone, they begin to invite shared responsibility, presence, and connection, without losing the competence that once served them so well.

What do people focus on when they want change and what creates real movement?

When people want change, they usually focus on communication techniques or visible behavior. They want better conversations, clearer feedback, or fewer misunderstandings. Those efforts often help on the surface.

Real movement begins when attention shifts from what is being said to how people are relating. In my writing, I often describe moments where someone realizes, “This is what I do when things feel tense.” That insight opens a different kind of door. When people understand their own position in a relational pattern, curiosity replaces effort. From there, choice becomes available, and change unfolds with far less force.

How does this show up in intimate relationships?

In close relationships, these patterns shape how partners stay connected. One partner often brings steadiness, structure, and reliability. The other brings emotional attentiveness, care, or sensitivity to atmosphere. At first, this balance feels supportive.

Over time, that balance can quietly harden. One partner carries stability, the other carries emotion. In my articles, I often describe couples who say, “We don’t fight much,” while also noticing distance and fatigue. When partners understand these dynamics, they begin to meet each other with more presence. Responsibility becomes shared, and connection gains depth and ease.

How do the same patterns influence leadership and team dynamics?

The same relational habits guide leadership behavior. Leaders who value harmony often create stability, predictability, and a calm working environment. Leaders who step in quickly often provide clarity, speed, and direction.

In my leadership work, I frequently meet managers who are described as “strong” and “reliable,” while their teams hesitate to take ownership. Once leaders recognize how their relational strengths shape team dynamics, their leadership gains range. Teams experience more openness, shared responsibility, and psychological safety: the foundations of sustainable performance.

What changes when leaders relate with awareness and choice?

Leaders begin to grow their capacity to respond rather than react.

In my writing, I often describe leaders who are highly competent, reliable, and quick to step in when tension rises. In meetings, they clarify, decide, or smooth things over almost instinctively. Teams experience relief in the moment and over time, they also learn to wait.

When these leaders become aware of this pattern, something shifts. Instead of responding immediately, they pause. They notice the impulse to take over and choose to stay present with the uncertainty a little longer. That pause expands their response-ability: the ability to choose how to respond rather than acting on habit.

In practice, this can look very simple. A leader who would normally answer the question now asks it back to the team. A leader who usually resolves tension quickly allows space for different perspectives to surface. Conversations deepen, ownership spreads, and people begin to step forward with ideas and responsibility.

In the book, I describe this as leadership that invites participation rather than compliance. As leaders grow their capacity to respond consciously, teams experience trust, engagement, and shared accountability, but because the relational field changed.

Can you share a moment where awareness created a meaningful shift?

I often witness meaningful shifts when someone recognizes and names a familiar pattern in the moment it appears. In my work, this frequently happens with leaders who are experienced, capable, and deeply committed to their teams. During a tense meeting, one such leader paused and said, “I notice that I want to step in and solve this right now.”

That simple acknowledgment changed the atmosphere. Instead of moving quickly toward a solution, the leader stayed present with the tension and invited the team into the conversation. Others began to speak more freely, assumptions surfaced, and responsibility spread across the group.

In my writing, I describe similar moments in relationships, where a partner recognizes their own tendency to stay composed while emotionally withdrawing. Naming that pattern creates relief and clarity. Once a pattern is visible, people respond with greater intention. Small shifts: a pause, a question, or an invitation to share responsibility, often create significant movement in connection, trust, and collaboration.

What signals that someone is ready to explore this kind of work?

Readiness shows up as curiosity and as bodily awareness.

People begin asking reflective questions and start noticing what happens in them when situations repeat. A leader might sense tension in their chest before stepping in. A partner might notice themselves holding their breath during certain conversations.

In my experience, this moment often appears when someone feels that effort alone no longer creates movement. Awareness shifts from “What should I do?” to “What am I experiencing right now?” That combination of curiosity and embodied awareness creates fertile ground for real change.

What distinguishes your approach from other forms of coaching or development?

My work centers on making relational patterns visible in real time, in mind and body.

Rather than offering techniques to apply, I support people in noticing how they relate when pressure, responsibility, or uncertainty arises and how that shows up physically, emotionally, and relationally.

In my writing, I often describe moments where people recognize a familiar bodily signal: leaning forward, tightening the jaw, pulling back, or smoothing things over. That embodied awareness becomes the intervention. Change emerges through insight, embodiment, and conscious choice. People grow into new ways of relating rather than performing learned behavior.

What is the first shift that opens the door to meaningful change?

The shift toward responsibility with compassion and presence.

When people meet their own patterns with curiosity, they also begin to sense them in the body: where tension gathers, where energy moves, where they hold back or overextend.

This embodied awareness expands their capacity to respond. It brings flexibility, groundedness, and shared ownership. Leadership and intimacy deepen because people stay connected to themselves while engaging with others.

What do you hope readers take with them from your work?

I hope readers gain a deeper understanding of how they relate: mentally, emotionally, and physically, and how much influence that has.

When people recognize their relational patterns as lived experiences in the body, they gain access to choice.

That awareness strengthens leadership, deepens relationships, and supports a more intentional way of living and working. It reminds people that change begins with presence, and grows through responsibility and embodiment.

Follow me on LinkedIn and visit my website for more info!

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