Why Outgrowing is Easy and Letting Go is Not
Written by Constanze Zientek, Women's Coach
Constanze Zientek is a women's coach who works with highly sensitive women in their thirties, helping them to cultivate inner strength, embrace embodied leadership, and build an authentic, aligned life. Her approach blends emotional depth, clarity, and self-trust.
Did you ever feel like it was finally time to let go of something, but the thought of doing so was still incredibly painful? Or did you find yourself secretly holding on to something you knew wasn’t good for you anymore because you just couldn’t bear the thought of letting it go? When I write about this, I immediately think of cleaning out old clothes from your closet, and sometimes even that can feel challenging. But that’s a very light example of how this can play out. Depending on the concrete situation and the circumstances, letting go can feel a lot easier or harder. Whether it is a relationship, an environment, or a habit, realizing that something might just not fit anymore can be a hard pill to swallow. So the following lines are dedicated to the fact that letting go doesn’t have to coincide with being happy about it or with expecting yourself to be fully over it as you do so.
The subtle scratching when things do not fit anymore
At some point, you might have had a new vision come in. Or you might have had the realization that certain people don’t have your best interests at heart. Or that a certain environment doesn’t really suit you anymore. Yet, here you might still be emotionally attached to the old story. To the history that you have with it, to everything that it has done for you, to all the security it has provided. You may not feel ready to let that go. It might feel like life is just asking a little too much from you to move away from it.
Yet, you also feel this itch on the inside. Like the old situation is just not a fit for who you are becoming. As subtle as that feeling might be, it might be impossible to shake. Like there’s sand in between your wheels. Even though you really try to ignore it, it’s just there.
Familiarity is not alignment
Familiarity is all that is well known, but that also includes a bunch of things that can be very detrimental to your long-term well-being. With a little practice, we can get used to so many things. A close friend that’s regularly mistreating you. A habit that is completely detrimental to your health. All of it can become familiar, even in little time. Just the fact that it feels familiar doesn’t mean that it is aligned with you.
So what is it that creates alignment? It’s making decisions in harmony with your values. Over and over again. If the decisions occur in small ways over time, they can become more effective than big decisions that are just made once. The process is not easy. But is it worth it? Definitely. The feeling that sets in once things start falling into place again on the outside can just bring in all the confirmation you needed.
The mind can be clear, but grief sits in the body
At this point, I might be repeating myself, but outgrowing an old version of yourself can bring up a lot of grief. Before letting in something new, we need to make space for it first. Many times, that requires letting go of something old. Even though you might perfectly know that you want the new or that the old isn’t even good for you, that doesn’t mean your body won’t tell a completely different story emotionally. Grief is stored in the body, and it can completely take over the intellect when letting go feels too uncertain and unfamiliar to go through with. Also, there might be a part of you that really loved the old. Jnowing that sometimes two important things can’t exist contemporaneously, not because of aversion, but because of functionality, can still be a hard pill to swallow.
Why we tend to hold on to what we’ve outgrown
Rather than looking for things that fit us, our brains and nervous systems always look out for the threats in the unknown. Do you still remember how things felt when you first got into your current situation? Chances are, they felt wonky and unsure until, at one point, they didn’t. Until security started building up through repetition. Now your brain and nervous system have gotten used to it and might find it very unpleasant to reemerge into another pattern change.
Also, once we get so used to what has been established in our lives, it becomes harder to change it because of all the labor that it took to build it. The harder the process of working for something, the harder it can become to let go of it. One moment of change can likely destroy all the work that might have taken many years. The price of that can just seem too high to risk.
How to stop waiting for readiness to let go
One common assumption when it comes to letting go is that in order to release something, you have to let it go internally first. But sometimes, we absolutely know that releasing is the right thing for us to do, but we still feel very attached to the old circumstances. While inner detachment can undoubtedly help the process of letting go externally, sometimes waiting for the inner shift will just block any kind of action that is actually required on the outside in order to move on. In that case, waiting for the feeling of readiness leads to the exact opposite of the letting go that is actually wanted. When we feel like we really should move on but still haven’t, we can become frustrated. But taking action may still feel too scary. So what can you do to move towards your goal, even though you don’t feel ready?
Choose the easiest step. Then something bigger.
Make a plan about the main steps you are planning to take in the foreseeable future (that can be adjusted any time). Be honest with yourself about necessary recovery time and the practicality of the steps you’re taking.
Hold yourself accountable for really going through with them and start to notice how slowly the momentum starts building.
Always remember that action builds up readiness, not vice versa.
Desire is not a command
Especially in phases of big changes, we can have the thought that because we miss something, we have to reach out or take a step back. Of course, that’s not the case. According to scientific studies, it can take more than 200 days to establish a new habit, depending on the habit and the life circumstances of the individual person. That’s a lot more than just a few weeks. So if you still feel like you’re not over a former circumstance, person, or whatever you have let go of, don’t become impatient with yourself just because the feeling of belonging is still lingering inside of you. You’re allowed to move on, anyway.
Need help moving on?
Getting into a safe space in order to move through certain changes can be incredibly helpful in order to navigate the process. Working together with a qualified coach who will stay by your side, have an open ear for what you’re moving through, and give you the right steps in order to move forward can absolutely strengthen you so it becomes easier to let go. Contact me today to figure out how we can work together!
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Constanze Zientek, Women's Coach
Constanze Zientek is a women's coach working with highly sensitive women in their thirties. She supports them in cultivating inner strength, embodied leadership, and an authentic, aligned life. Her approach blends emotional depth, clarity, and self-trust. She furthermore practices as a lawyer with over ten years of work experience, specializing in inheritance law. Her work with clients in emotionally complex transitions, combined with her own journey through her thirties, led her to coaching. Today, she integrates structure and intuition to offer clear, deeply human guidance.
