Why "Never Go To Bed Angry" Is A Crock
- Apr 8, 2024
- 5 min read
Updated: Apr 9, 2024
Founder. Coach. Misfit. Dawn is a coach, counselor, and speaker who supports individuals through life's major transition points. She offers a quick, solutions-based approach for couples in crisis, professionals navigating major career shifts, and executives ready to make real impact.
Surely you’ve heard one of the Golden Relationship Rules, to “Never Go to Bed Angry”? But what if this is actually terrible advice? Here’s why.
It’s the end of the day and you two are stressed and tired, and there you go, arguing about some stupid thing like whether it’s a big deal the dishes were left in the sink.
Again.
You don’t want things to fester. You want to figure it out. And you certainly don’t want to leave things in a bad place with the person you love most over something like this… Seems like a reasonable rule, right? But have you ever noticed that sometimes trying to handle it somehow makes it worse? You say things you don’t mean, tensions escalate, one or both of you leaves, and you wonder where things went so wrong. What if the way our brains work means you might be making things worse? What if pushing when your critical thinking capacity is empty, your anxiety and worry are higher, can only cause more damage?
Here's why:
1. We don’t process the same way – our brains are actually wired to communicate and make decisions differently. The tension tug-of-war over work or home life issues where couples find themselves escalating over the same things and culminating with the walking away or the angry, raised voices is one of the most common scenarios I see in relationship conflict, and there's fascinating science behind why we react differently in these moments.
What often happens is one of you sees the issue as a minor bump in the road, something easily compartmentalized and set aside for later. The other, however, feels like it's a tangled mess of emotions and implications that need immediate untangling. It's what Bill and Pam Ferrell refer to as the 'Waffle' and 'spaghetti' mindsets. The 'waffle' wants to step back because the issue seems trivial, while the 'Spaghetti' wants to dive in headfirst to resolve it. Neurological differences by gender can help us understand how we process and language differently.
But here's the kicker: when these opposing approaches collide, things can escalate quickly. One partner might storm off, leaving the other feeling abandoned and even more stressed. Or worse, both of you might stay in your heightened state and continue the back and forth until you’ve said things you don’t mean.
2. Our capacity for critical thinking each day is highly limited. Decision-making fatigue is a real thing. It’s estimated we make 35,000 decisions daily. And our capacity for critical thinking- for really processing problems requiring a lot of thought, puzzling, and intentionality, peaks about 90 minutes after waking, and only lasts for about 2 hours. Dan Ariely tells us our productivity tends to be highest between 9 am and 11 am-and … that’s it.
3. Anxiety and worry are, or at least feel, more prevalent at night. The stressors of the day can feel built up, and without the distractions of tasks and responsibilities, the mind can sometimes more easily focus on the stressors. All that, and our capacity to make moral decisions decrease as day progresses!
So, what’s the alternative? The solutions are simpler than you might think.
Have a mantra: When I say “Never go to bed angry” is a crock, I don’t mean you should go to bed angry. I mean the expectation that all should be resolved for both of you at night is unrealistic. Have something you say to each other that reassures and affirms, and also lets your partner know you will take time to work it out, like “I love you, we’ll get through this, let’s talk things out at breakfast.” Or “I’ll call you on my break tomorrow.” If this feels like too much to say in heated moments, come up in advance with a signal, or a code word, that means this.
Listen. Really listen.: When you do sit down making sure you are taking turns to truly hear your partner, without attacking or assuming, even if you’ve already spoken about this 1000 times. Did you know we often listen more closely to stranger than to our own partners? A two-stage type of active listening is likely the single most important and effective tool I teach clients—a method of first hearing each other deeply and without assumptions, and second, working together to come up with a solution that works for the partnership, not for one of you or the other.
Consider a coach: The best part of my work is also the most bittersweet. It’s seeing that often in a small handful of sessions, couples, some who have been in real crisis, are almost always experiencing profound clarity and relief from realizing they are not alone, that their partner is not intentionally causing them harm, and that there are simple tools that can support them in seeing each other more clearly and coming up with solutions that truly benefit them as a couple. Bittersweet because so few of us were taught these foundational truths about how we process differently and what we can do to more deeply connect – not only with our partners, but with our colleagues, family members, and children as well.
Remember that it is the yin and yang that often drew you together and creates the very balance that is often the same dynamic that can cause confusion and disconnect in those moments when our differences don’t form a comfortable balance — and we feel we really don’t understand one another. Finding the right time and space to hear each other, and the tools that can help us both depersonalize and be more fully present and engaged, has the potential to transform your relationship into one where you both feel truly seen heard and connected more dee[;y than ever before.
Do you need a neutral space to process? Let’s chat.
Dawn Smith, Relationship Coach
Dawn is a relationship coach for couples in crisis, a career transition coach, and an executive coach for philanthropic and other purpose-driven leaders ready to get out of overwhelm and make high-level change. She writes and speaks on dismantling "best practice" myths about ideal relationships and careers, and on achieving monumental transitions in minutes a day. Her speaking clients include VISTAGE, Intrepid Health, Team Rubicon, the National Association of Catering Executives, WeddingWire, UCLA, USC, Creative Mornings, and UNICEF . She wakes up every day grateful to do what she loves.
