Why More Gay Dads and Their Children Will Make the World a Better Place
Written by Bryan McColgan, Physician Journalist
Dr. Bryan McColgan is an international authority on IVF and surrogacy for gay men. He is the founder of the Gay Dad Reporter, the world’s first online platform dedicated to news about surrogacy and rainbow families with a focus on gay men.
The desire to become a parent is at a new stage in human history. More straight couples than ever are celebrating a life without children, while gay men are increasingly building rainbow families. In my opinion, this is an inflection point, and one that can lead to amazing changes in places where gay-led families are allowed to flourish. In this article, I want to discuss the changing landscape of parenthood and the potential impact this could have on the world for generations to come.
Even though Elon Musk has written that ‘Italy is disappearing’ due to declining birth rates, straight couples, in Italy and throughout the world, do not seem to be bothered. In fact, social media movements have developed, with the hashtags ‘childfree’ and ‘childfreebychoice’ each having over 400 million TikTok views. On Instagram, the hashtags collectively have over 500,000 posts. Further investigation of these influencers finds that they share common rationales for not wanting to have children. Climate change, the state of the world, the cost of living, and prioritizing other things like travel and quiet time are a few of the most common reasons.
In the U.S., a 2021 Pew Research Center study showed that some 44% of non-parents aged 18 to 49 didn’t think they would have children, up from 37% in 2018. In England and Wales, a 2020 YouGov study suggested that more than half of British 35-to-44-year-olds who hadn’t had kids never planned on doing so. Unlike previous generations, Millennials and Gen Z are questioning the sacrifices needed to have children. They are choosing to be happy rather than do what is expected of them. This is exemplified in a quote from the influencer Marcela Munoz, who runs child-free social media accounts:
“The number-one thing that I always say when people ask me why I’m child-free is because I don’t have a desire to have children… If you have baby fever, take a nap. If you enjoyed that nap, don’t have kids. I can’t tell you how many times my [parent] friends are like, ‘Oh my gosh, I only got two hours of sleep last night, my kids were throwing up, and I had to take care of that.’ That doesn’t sound appealing to me at all!”
I think this perspective has historically been heavily criticized and judged. I can hear previous generations saying it is ‘immature’ not to want kids or that ‘you will change your mind’ when you get older. This type of social pressure doesn’t exist in the same way today (e.g., ‘OK, Boomer’). Thanks to the internet and social media, we have access to a global public, and our unique perspectives can often be shared in ways that were previously limited by the small number of channels available for public opinion. Child-free straight couples have found each other, and they are celebrating their lives in a way that shows other, younger couples that it not only can be done, but should be done if that is the life they want.
As for gay couples, I wrote a previous article that detailed the increasing trend of rainbow families. More gay couples than ever are embarking on surrogacy as their path towards fatherhood, and this comes with a great deal of intent, planning, and desire on their part to become parents. Unlike straight people, there are no ‘accidents’ for gay people. For gay men pursuing surrogacy, they need to find an egg donor, work with a gestational carrier (GC) or surrogate, and navigate the legal complexities of these arrangements, as well as potential immigration and international laws. What does all this mean? It means these children are exceptionally wanted, and being this wanted can only have a positive impact on these children and who they will become.
I can speak personally to what it feels like to be an unwanted child. I was disowned by my mother, and so I know how traumatic that can be. Through intensive work in therapy, I came to accept my mom and her limitations, and I have been able to continue to grow and develop emotionally, in large part due to my loving husband. However, I am not without scars, and this type of wound has even been described as ‘primal,’ meaning that rejection from one’s parents is the ultimate wound that can alter a person’s entire life course.
However, imagine children of gay parents who are so wanted, so loved, and so cared for. While I do not naively assume these children will have lives free of any injury or trauma, I do believe they will have love and a relationship with their parents that provides the foundation for a lifetime of successful relationships. The things their parents went through to have them, the process my husband and I are going through right now, will always ground them and the rainbow family in a place of belonging and commitment to each other.
I will say that not all gay people are pursuing parenthood for the right reasons because, surprise, even gay people are not perfect. Recent articles have called out the phenomenon of gay parenting as the new ‘status symbol,’ given the financial investment required for gay men to become parents. Some claim there is even a new ‘expectation’ for gay men to welcome children. Some in the community state that this pressure has been exacerbated by gay celebrity couples. While ‘celebrity’ can be a double-edged sword, I have previously written about the positive impact of gay celebrities on the process of surrogacy and rainbow family formation, and I believe this outweighs any potential ‘status pressure.’
The point remains that even though the time and commitment required for gay people to become parents are significant, this does not always equate to a similar motivation for having children throughout the gay community. Sadly, some children of gay parents will suffer the same fate as those of straight parents who felt societal pressure to become parents rather than an individual desire. However, I believe that the vast majority of gay parents are pursuing parenthood for the right reasons, and so these children will be immensely enjoyed and celebrated.
I hypothesize that this new era of rainbow families will have effects similar to those attributed to Roe v. Wade (RIP). One major, albeit debated, proposed consequence of Roe v. Wade was a dramatic decrease in crime. According to research supporting this theory, as the children born after the Supreme Court decision came of age, they were more likely than previous generations to lead peaceful, law-abiding lives. Studies estimate that U.S. crime fell roughly 20% between 1997 and 2014 due to legalized abortion. The estimated cumulative impact of legalized abortion on crime is roughly 45%, accounting for a substantial portion of the roughly 50% to 55% overall decline from the peak of crime in the early 1990s.
Why was there this significant decrease in crime? According to this theory, more of the children born after Roe v. Wade were wanted. They were not ‘accidents’ that took their parents away from the lives they had planned. This is the same for gay parents and their children. For the vast majority of rainbow children, they are wanted and very much planned. They are not only part of the plan, but in some cases, they require all the financial resources that a person or couple has in order to come into this world. Therefore, I believe areas like California that embrace rainbow families will see a similar trend in crime or societal improvements in general to those associated with Roe v. Wade. Given that the percentage of the population who identify as gay is much smaller than the total straight population, the impact will be numerically smaller, but no less significant in terms of communal improvement.
On a final note, I believe that the children of gay parents are not only very much wanted, but that there is also another special element of gay culture that will further help these children develop into good humans. For generations, gay people have been forced to form ‘chosen families’ because they have been kicked out of their biological families. Gay people have been able to form relationships that are more than just friendships. Given the role the ‘chosen family’ plays in gay life and community, we know how to value relationships. I believe we will show our children not only how to have a great relationship with us as parents, but also how to have deep and profound connections with other people, including their friends, colleagues, and future partners and children. They will not only start out with a family unit that loves, values, and cherishes them, but they will also be shown that a diversity of relationships and support only further enriches their lives. There is no such thing as too much love, and I believe rainbow families have the ability to provide this to a new generation.
The next generation will have to combat climate change, colonize space, and handle artificial intelligence (AI), just to name a few topical issues of the moment. These problems can only be solved by working together. I believe that the children of gay parents will be a great addition to society and offer a variety of perspectives, as well as a strength of relationship and community that will make the world a better place.
Read more from Bryan McColgan
Bryan McColgan, Physician Journalist
Dr. Bryan McColgan is a Stanford and Columbia University-trained physician who is currently on his first journey to fatherhood through surrogacy. Navigating IVF and surrogacy in the United States from his current home in Sweden led Bryan to start the Gay Dad Reporter, the leading online platform dedicated to assisted reproduction for gay intended fathers. His mission is ethical surrogacy for gay intended dads everywhere.
