Why It Is Important to Reclaim Your Power from Relational Trauma
Maya Akai, MA, LCPC, CADC, is a seasoned professional whose extensive life experiences inform her practice. She possesses over twenty years of professional experience in mental health, complemented by expertise in broadcasting, social services, and education fields.
We like to think that adulthood is a destination, a point we reach once we accumulate the right degrees, secure career stability or success, pay our taxes, and dress the part, but behind closed doors, many highly capable, successful people harbor a striking secret, inside our mature, rational exterior lives a sad, confused, or defensive child who never actually left, or who was trapped by the pain of disappointment and failure from not being protected by those who were supposed to protect us.
The truth is, we never completely grow up. Instead, the child we once were persists beneath the surface, often influencing our ability to lead, make decisions, and navigate interpersonal relationships.
To build authentic emotional resilience and step into our true selves, we must understand how childhood wounds shape the present and how the adult brain can finally break the cycle.
Trauma's master disguise: Hiding and resurfacing
Trauma does not quietly fade away with age. It is a master of disguise. When we experience emotional neglect, hyper-criticism, instability, or fear during our formative years, our brains develop a brilliant defense strategy. They tuck those painful memories deep into the subconscious mind just so we can survive, keep moving forward, and adapt to our environments.
However, those buried memories are never truly dead, they merely lie dormant inside. They lie in wait for a triggering event. These hidden emotions, lying dormant, can wear many disguises, including:
Sensitivity to criticism: For example, a minor critique from a manager can feel like public humiliation linked to a negative experience with a childhood teacher.
Fear of abandonment: A partner or colleague pulling away for a justifiable reason can instantly trigger the weight of childhood abandonment.
Struggles with change: An unexpected shift in a plan can mirror the chaos of an unstable household.
When trauma is disguised or masked with incomplete healing, the trigger can pull the pin, and decades of maturity vanish in an instant. For some, these hidden triggers can then subjugate an adult into feeling lost and retraumatized. Hence, the inner child is again cast into feeling unprotected, and its mature counterpart often feels like a failure for still feeling vulnerable.
The default setting: Navigating fight-or-flight
When these hidden wounds are poked, our instinct takes the wheel. The nervous system defaults to its primitive defense mechanism, fight or flight. What does this feel like? Your heart rate spikes, your chest tightens, and your cognitive capacity shrinks. Suddenly, you are no longer operating from your adult prefrontal cortex. You are back in the sandbox. Depending on your childhood trauma, you may:
Become overly defensive, aggressive in meetings, or desperate to control every variable, the "fight" response.
Slam doors, shut down emotionally, avoid critical conversations, or mentally withdraw from the room, the "flight" response.
In these moments, you are simply re-enacting the exact survival mechanics you memorized as a child. Logic has stepped back, and negative feelings or chaos prevail. In this moment, assumed healing or failure to heal becomes painfully apparent.
The ultimate shift: Standing on your own terms
Here lies the profound turning point for personal development, the adult you are today possesses an ability that the child you used to be never had. You are no longer trapped in the past. You can choose to stand, hold your ground, and address the trauma on your own terms. Make no mistake, this is the hardest part of the healing process.
Choosing to confront your inner child requires speaking truths that you have spent a lifetime running from. It demands a willingness to face immense emotional and mental discomfort. When you stop running, the unresolved pain and old suffering you buried will inevitably rise back to the surface. It will feel messy, and it will hurt, but there is a radical difference between then and now, your capacity. Understanding the difference is the undiscovered agency that time and experience have gifted you.
The inner child (Then) | The conscious adult (Now) |
Lacked the vocabulary to voice boundaries | Possesses clear communication tools |
Lacked physical and financial independence | Has full personal agency and autonomy |
Forced to absorb the emotional chaos of others | Capable of walking away and setting limits |
Dependent on adults for safety and survival | Capable of self-soothing and self-protection |
Taking back the power
As a child, you lacked the tools to protect yourself from your environment, but as an adult, you hold the ultimate authority. You possess the innate ability to look your old trauma in the eye, strip away its control, and take back the power it stole from you.
The inner child stays with us as a permanent living record of what we survived, but they no longer have to run the meeting. The next time you feel the familiar emotional and mental rush of fight-or-flight, pause and take a deep breath. Look at the situation through the lens of the present. Remind your nervous system who is actually in the room, a capable, resilient adult who is finally ready to write the conclusion to a dark and painful past.
Healing is often a lonely place, but never forget what or who put you there and how choosing to live your truth frees you from their power and allows you to embrace and live your truth.
Read more from Maya Akai Monet Gavin
Maya Akai Monet Gavin, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor
Maya's personal and professional endeavors have endowed her with profound insight and empathy across various social, emotional, and mental dimensions. Engaging in a conversation with Maya offers an honest, salient, and open exchange centered on utilizing mindfulness as a means to inspire and motivate one to actualize the effort and ambition required to live a desired life.
